THE PIOUS PUFFERS. for which he has been taking a trip somewhere on the Continent. The newspaper puff informs us that his leg is getting better, and Tmust be very painful to a sincere pro- that his people" at Cheltenham will soon fessor of those doc- have him back, and that he thinks of his trines by which self'lambs," or some twaddle or other, which will, glorification is especi- of course, go the round of all the Cheltenham ally condemned, to find tea-tables. If DOCTOR CLOSE'S anile admirers himself continually like to be called his "people," we see no objection made the subject of to the title; but when we recollect that the puffing paragraphs. DOCTOR was one of those who wrote a book to We have already prove the Satanic agency of Table-turning and called attention to the Spirit-rapping, we think that a better term than lamentable case of "lambs" might be found for those who accept poor dear DOCTOR the Reverend gent as their guide; and we CUMMING, who has should be disposed, in selecting a word from the been so bespattered, animal creation, to describe them as DOCTOR besmeared, and be- CLOSE's Donkeys. daubed with booksellers' puffery, that The over-sanctimonious, and not over-chariwe naturally begin to table portion of the public, will believe, or rather look for a list of his will assert without believing it, that we intend to works in that portion sneer at Religion or its ministers, because we of a newspaper which denounce the quackery and puffery which make is devoted to medical the latter contemptible. It is, however, obvious and miscellaneous to common sense, that the clerical profession is quackery. Some of only degraded by the unwholesome pandering our friends have be- to personal vanity, to which it is in these days so much exposed, and which has placed a so thoroughly popular preacher" and a "popular performer" in possessed with the idea of a connection much the same position. We simply wish to between the name of put down that morbid and usually feminine feelCUMMING and newsing with reference to parsons which developes paper notoriety, that itself in working slippers and antimacassars, or we have been seriously in giving silver tea-pots to unmarried clergymen. asked, whether the lion-slayer at the top of the Haymarket is the same CUMMING whose appellation has been made the subject of that familiarity which is said to lead to contempt, through the medium of advertisements. We should scarcely be surprised if the pious puffers of DOCTOR CUMMING's books were to take advantage of the popularity of the present connection between the name of CUMMING and the King of Beasts, and were to send forth a list of his works with the words, "DR. CUMMING, THE GREAT RELIGIOUS LION OF THE DAY," by way of an attractive heading. come While we are on the subject of pious puffs, we may as well remonstrate against a paragraph we lately met with, in which one DoCTOR CLOSE, the idol of the old maids of Cheltenham, has been introduced with the interesting accessory of a bad leg, or something of the sort, SOME VERY ODD FISH. AMONG the pranks performed by the animal creation in what is called the "dead season" by the penny-a-liners, we have met with nothing richer than the conduct of a certain cod-fish, who, if newspaper paragraphs may be believed, has recently indulged in the eccentricity of swallowing a kitten. This feat appears to have been performed in a fit of jealousy at the alleged achievement of a ling, who, according to a Scotch paper, had recently devoured the leg of a rabbit. Of course nobody will inquire very closely how the rabbit lost his leg, or whether the ling was at once the amputator and the devourer of the unlucky limb; nor will any one be too curious to ascertain which way the cat could possibly have jumped to have found its way down the throat of a cod-fish. If these stories of lings swallowing rabbits' legs and cods bolting entire cats are believed by the readers of a newspaper, it might certainly give a portrait of one of its subscribers as that of an animal that can swallow anything. CURE FOR HOT COPPERS. We recollect an instance in which a bachelor divine had been presented with so many embroidered shoes and tea services by the spinsters of his flock, that he might have started with a capital stock as either a slipper-dealer or a silverSmith; but happening to marry a lady out of the parish, he was nearly torn to pieces by his fair adorers, who called on him to return all the plate that had been presented to him for his bachelor piety-his single blessedness. AN ACQUISITION TO PLAIN ENGLISH. THE writer of Notes and Sketches in the Morning Post makes the following remark, among others of a more judicious character, on the subject of "Discourse." "To say that some point has been excluded, or left out of the question, is much better than to say it has been ignored." If conciseness is desirable in expression, "ignored" is better than left out of the question; " besides, the word means more than that phrase, and than the term "excluded." To ignore is wilfully, and cunningly, and deceitfully to leave out of the question; fraudulently to overlook; mendaciously to affect not to know; to blink; to pretend ignorance of a fact that the fact may pass unnoticed, and not be taken into account. It is a word which describes, with beautiful precision, a thing very common both in the writings and the conversation of zealots and bigots, and especially of solemn ecclesiastical bumbugs; it compendiously expresses one of their artifices; it neatly bottles off a puff of their smoke; therefore they don't like it: but therefore it is a lovely word, and well deserving of incorporation with the QUEEN'S English. A WASHED DUKE. A CURE for the complaint commonly called hot coppers would be a great boon to a no small proportion of HER MAJESTY'S subjects, who occasionally exceed in strong potations. If their coppers want cleaning, let them eat some street-oysters, and wash those molluscs down with THE Glasgow Citizen, in describing the personal appearance of some street-vinegar. That fluid, in some cases, consists, according to a state- of the savans assembled at the meeting of the British Association, is ment made by DR. HASSALL at the late meeting of the Association for good enough to remark of the DUKE OF ARGYLL, that he looked the Advancement of Science, of little else than sulphuric acid and water, superlatively clean." Did the Scotch reporter muddle the modicum coloured with burnt sugar. Sulphuric acid and water are dilute oil of of French in his possession, and think it was a case of savon instead of vitriol, which, as most people know, is the proper thing to scour copper-savant? Or, is it such a wonder that a Scotch Duke should be physically kettles with. Indulgence, therefore, in street-oysters is very likely to cleanse, and, if repeated often enough, effectually to cool hot coppers; so effectually, that the coppers will be rendered incapable of being heated any more. clean? Some of the Scotch Dukes (like some of the English ones) have done very dirty things in their time, but it was hardly matter of surprise that the DUKE OF ARGYLL, who, moreover, is a very estimable young man, should have washed his face and put on a clean shirt upon such an occasion. To be sure such a luxurious demonstration might excite a trifle more notice in Glasgow than in most places, but even there the upper classes occasionally set examples of unobjectionWHY will the proposed Port of Hartlepool be like the dirty Thames able neatness. This Citizen has been showing his freedom rather River?-Becauge it will be a Arbour of Refuge. unwarrantably. CON. BY SAIREY GAMP. into a peg for cheap and inferior clothing to hang upon. Already have the names of some of the heroes of the Crimea been given to all sorts of coats, whose inventors may be said to be hanging on to the skirts of Victory. It is nevertheless unfair, that our brave generals should be made to give titles to all kinds of ill-made garments, and that a SIMPSON should become synonymous with a wraprascal, or that a Pelisse should usurp the appellation of a PELISSIER. One of the advertising tailors has invented a jacket, which he declares is designed to commemorate one of our recent victories, whose name has been given to the article alluded to. Glory would indeed be short-lived, if the achievements of our soldiers had no better commemoration than a low-priced coat, in the sleeve of which our enemies might comfortably laugh, if they thought that the fame of our victories would not be more durable than a bit of bad broadcloth. VERDURE AND FOUNTAINS IN TRAFALGAR SQUARE. FOR Some time lately the water ejected by the Trafalgar Square Fountains has been observed to be of a green colour. Speculation is baffled in the attempt to account for this phenomenon. The Serpentine is the only known source whence it is easily conceivable that water of such a tint could be derived. But the Fountains are supposed to be supplied from an Artesian well; and there are many considerations, besides those of a geological nature, which preclude any idea of a communication between the well and that sewer. Had the well been out of order, the authorities who preside over it might, perhaps, have entered into an arrangement with one of the Thames' Water-Companies, for the temporary supply of the Fountains with the fluid which those societies distribute among the inhabitants of the Metropolis for drinking purposes. In that case, however, the Fountains would squirt up a liquid of an " opaque, pale drab-colour," and not a green. Perhaps a drainage-pipe leaks into the well, a pipe conveying away the slush from an adjoining institution, the administrators of which have been at work again Scouring the Old Masters. A correspondent of the Times compares the water of the Fountains to " cabbage-water;" but its tint is more probably derived from the Old Masters' greens. The sight of verdure associated with water-works is very charming, when the relation between the water and the verdure is merely that of one element in a landscape to another. But, when the latter is chemically or mechanically combined with the former in the shape of a solution, the eye is offended; and the disgust of that organ is usually shared by the nose. PALMERSTON AT THE ANTIPODES. " WE were rather startled a few days ago by reading in capital letters in a column of the Times the somewhat striking words, "LORD PALMERSTON AT MELBOURNE.' We knew that Australia was in a condition to need the aid of statesmanship; but we also felt, that whatever might be the necessities of Victoria in the Colonies, there is a VICTORIA at home with a paramount claim on the services of the PREMIER. We were next disposed to think, that the affair was a joke, and that by way of showing how completely the PRIME MINISTER had been "transported" by the news of the fall of Sebastopol, he had caused himself to be announced as "LORD PALMERSTON at Melbourne." Again, we fancied we might be indulging in a dream of the future, and that we might be living in the year 1875, when it is probable that a minister may be running over from Downing Street to Melbourne as rapidly as he now passes from London to Paris. All these hypotheses were, however, put to flight by the sudden recollection that there is a place called Melbourne in England as well as in Australia, and that the former locality rejoices in the ownership of LORD PALMERSTON, who can go to Melbourne when duty does not call him to VICTORIA. Chorus. He nods. Look-look-ah! lookAbout our ears the walls affrighted shook. Alex. MENSCHIKOFF! Mens. To my buckles thus I bend. Alex. Attention! Mens. Humbly I attend. Alex. To what a grave reality we waken! O Heaven and Earth! Sebastopol is taken! Mens. The fact, my liege, is sad, Alex. It almost drives us mad; We are surprised, confounded, Amazed, bewilder'd, and astounded, Sebastopol fallen! What can be the reason? We cannot think-unless it fell by treason. Your system of sorties upon the foe You discontinued-wherefore did you so? We'll have that mystery at once unveil'd! Mens. My ammunition fail'd. AIR. Although the soldier's heart and hand By every General in command, His hand though steady, heart though stout, The soldier cannot do without Alex. (to DOLGOROUKI.) Of your high office why did you fulfil The paramount duty so extremely ill, Dolg. My liege, I answer with submission, Mens. The pardon of your Majesty I crave, To let your voice be in this council heard, You never have received one warlike scar, E'en in retreat; no soldier are at all; A bomb you know not from a rifle-ball; And have-although in talk there's not a louderNeither invented, burnt, nor handled powder. Alex. Cease, I say, these rude discussions, We will inquire to which the blame is due: BRAVURA. Yes, woe and vengeance on the slave, His fault that guilty wretch shall rue, And safe will be, for one of you, OUR LITTLE FRIEND, TOM NODDY, THINKS THE SEA-WATER WILL DO HIS MARE'S LEGS A WORLD OF GOOD. THE HAIR NOT APPARENT. WE are continually being taunted in the newspapers by the disagreeable question, "Do you want beautiful Hair?" We confess that we are obliged to respond to this rather impertinent interrogatory, by avowing that we are deficient as to our capillary attraction; and that we do, in fact, "want beautiful hair." We, however, must decline the assistance of those, who would put all sorts of things into our heads, with the view of giving luxuriance to that, which at present resembles a mixture of stubble, with a slight dash of the THE PLAYFUL CREATURE OBJECTS AT FIRST, BUT FINDING THE PROCESS AGREEABLE, DETERMINES TO HAVE A COMPLETE BATH. AN ERROR ON THE RIGHT SIDE. NEWSPAPER paragraphs have sounded the praises of the QUEEN, for her generosity in giving £50 to a Scotch Station-master, for having been "the fortunate person to bring before HER MAJESTY the glorious news of the taking of Sebastopol." The donation was no doubt very handsome; though the Royal act was evidently one of impulse rather than of principle; for it is difficult to see why the Station-master who telegraphed the news, should have been better entitled to £50 than the individual who communicated the fact, to him, or the still earlier informant who worked the telegraph at the Crimea. If priority of communication is the real ground on which a reward is to be given, the Scotch Station-master seems to be less entitled to £50 than any of those engaged in transmitting the news, for he is clearly the last person door-mat, and a touch of the mop. We are not tempted by the avowal of the Berkshire lady, who says, "my head, which was once quite bald, is now covered with new hair;" for, we would as soon think of putting our old wine into new bottles, as of cramming our old head into new ringlets. We therefore decline any attempt to give luxuriance to our locks; and, indeed, it would be impossible to do so; for the well-known maxim, "first catch your hair," would apply in a case of curling, just as much as it would in a case of cookery. THE Greeks are anxious to repudiate the name given to their country-Bear's Greece. instead of the first who forwarded the intelligence, which is so gratifying to HER MAJESTY. The practice of giving a handsome gratuity to the one who immediately communicates a welcome fact, is likely to retard rather than to expedite good news; for everyone has an interest in keeping the knowledge of it to himself, until he can personally arrive at the spot where the information is likely to be lavishly paid for. Our remarks are not quite in accordance with the tone of flattery that has been employed by our contemporaries in reference to this piece of Royal generosity; but we are quite sure that HER MAJESTY will agree with our view of the case: and we are ready to admit, that under the same circumstances, we might have done the same as the QUEEN did, if we had had £50 to spare, and taken no time for reflection. PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.-SEPTEMBER 29, 1855. THE SPLIT CROW IN THE CRIMEA. He's Hit Hard!-Follow Him Up! |