NELSON'S DAUGHTER AND GRANDCHILDREN.

AN advertisement in the Times tells the world, that the eight children to of NELSON's daughter HORATIA-NELSON'S grandchildren-are "more or less provided for." Perhaps a little less than more; but let that pass. At length a long, long standing debt has been paid, or rather compounded at something less than nineteen shillings in the pound. The government, as the government, has done nothing. The stiff, whalebone virtue that set up the back of QUEEN CHARLOTTE against NELSON's daughter-GEORGE THE THIRD thought NELSON's funeral had too much state in it for a mere subject; such pomp" was for kings" -still kept the government aloof from all help of HORATIA and her children. At length, however, the press spoke out. The "ribald press" for a time laid aside its ribaldry, and condescended to champion the claims of NELSON's daughter upon NELSON's fellow-countrymen. Well, something has been done; and thus much in explanation we take from the advertisement in question :

Shop-girl (who has been expected to possess TENNYSON'S "Miller's Daughter"). "No, MISS ! WE'VE NOT GOT THE MILLER'S-BUT HERE'S THE RATCATCHER'S DAUGHTER, JUST PUBLISHED!!"

THE parties, who in Parliament are opposed to the present war, may be divided into two large spinning-classes; those who, like BRIGHT, spin cotton, and those who, like GLADSTONE, spin long yarns.

RABELAIS IN THE CRIMEA.

How RABELAIS did consult BRIDLEGOOSE touching the prognostics of the horse ride well with three lame legs. Granite will hardly prove as War, and of the prognostics themselves.

spiked beforehand. Gunpowder blown up will hardly furnish cartridges to the enemy, nor will sunken ships be valuable prize-money. Shells and bombs will not be agreeable to those struck by them, nor will a soft as a woolsack or as the milk of JEAMES's kindness; Emperors will not be more humble than they are obliged to be, nor will their merchants SOUGHT in vain for grow rich by the sinking of their vessels. Buildings set on fire will a milched craw-fish suffer from heat, and the Greek Calends will come when the Great for lunch, for the Bear's dispatches speak the truth. More men will fall, than bears be gentleman in waiting slain for pomatum; those who run away will hardly do so without did assure me that pursuit; those who die for their country will gain more memory than such creatures he medals, and those who were loved will be well wept for. never beheld, and "But, hearkye, ye aged, worn-out, champagne-fed, high-dried grinners that they, like LORD on a monument, ye who gibe with skulls as empty as a death's head, A-'s political talent, without its lesson of mortality. Be assured that ye shall not grin at JEAMES'S power of suffering when ye suffer yourselves; be ye assured that life will not be speaking the truth, or longer than itself for your sakes, and that the memory of the scoffer will the same individual's not be had in reverence. Horse-collars will not be wanting for those humanity, were sim- who grin through them, soft Palms will forget dates, the moon will be ply fabulous. So I safe from the wolves as long as it has no cabinet to guard it; monutook a very light lunch ments in an abbey will give a stone to those who gave the same when off the brains of a bread-was wanted; owls will sing sweetly when Lords talk wisely; the Drum, washing it weather will be talked about when it is convenient to forget other down with something things, officers will give evidence when they cease to forget; and the Bright, albeit and not- huge cat NIMRODUS and the flunkey JEAMES will make peace when withstanding it was honesty tells what it is impolite to tell a man he does, and when Falsenot a Cobbler. A de- hood kisses Truth for correction. Failure and success will not be bate upon such a sup- identical, glory will be talked of when the weather ceases to be inteper! quoth I (for no resting; other skulls will grin at the skulls of the Westminster worse anathema could Yorick when they meet in the same quarter; and those who stand in be found). Verily the pillory of the present day will scarcely be honoured hereafter."

this diet is too light,

"PLAYING PEOPLE OUT."

Ar the Panopticon, in Leicester Square, is one of the finest organs in the world. But, from a correspondence which has been published, it would appear, that whatever stops the instrument may have, the vor humana of the proprietary emits very objectionable noises.

MR. BEST, who has been acting as organist, and who has certainly made the organ discourse most eloquent music, complains of having been treated, by those who engaged his services, as an artist ought not to be treated; and the first time the owners of the instrument send their bellows to mend, they had better send their manners to undergo a similar reparatory operation.

and this drink too thin for an intellectual eater and drinker like myself. LORD A take the dishonest and all the humbugs, if I will not seek the great BRIDLEGOOSE, and see whether out of his food that be giveth forth daily and weekly, I cannot get something that will keep me from starving on short Commons. As to banqueting on Lords, may the great DUKE HUMPHRY feed them with their own understanding! So I went into the great palace of INK, in the which did live all manners of what some did call diaboli imprimatorum, the which did work all day and all night, ever relieving each other, as they did compose, set up, correct, return for revise, correct again, break up, work, machine, stereotype, work off, turn over at case, distribute, and the like, certain curious bits of lead, zinc, brass, copper, and the like, and did swallow up whole magazines of sheets of paper, whole heaps of copy, whole volleys of punctuation, insomuch that notes of interrogation came to an end, exclamations of indignation fell short, and all they could find were full stops about the great war and the Lords, and the geese which were in want of bridles. Over the which did rule the great BRIDLEGOOSE, whom some did call Times, others News, others Press, and the like, for he had as many aliases as a thief at the Old Bailey, or a Lord's funeral speech by the Garter King at Arms. And art-purpose-and they select MENDELSSOHN'S "Bridal Chorus," which, the said BRIDLEGOOSE did introduce to us, right courteously, his trusty Secretary, DONTCARE, and he did yet more courteously present to us a very big, huge, ponderous, and right well written volume of prognostics, upon the which we did feed, and continue to feed right well.

And as he that eateth to repletion lacketh not for food, even as he that hath more than enough hath what he may well spare, so it irks and ill becomes me that I pour not forth from the plenitude of the Holy Bottle of ink, by the which the wonderful prognostics were unfolded. Audite Quirites! procul este profani! People, attend! Peace-pawnbrokers and Lordly-slop-sellers, out of the way!

Not satisfied with MR. BEST's scholarly exhibition of the varied powers of the grand organ, by the performance of a series of compositions to visitors who listen, the directors of the establishment call upon a gentleman and a musician to "play the people out." He is to accompany the shuffling of feet, the racing down stairs, the calls of parties to "keep together," the requests "not to shove," the squabble for canes, parasols, and umbrellas, and the recitative in which cabs are summoned to the door. And when the last lounger is out, the gentleman and musician may leave off. But this is not all. The direction is good enough to select a composition fit to be applied to this noble as everybody knows, is just the thing to be trampled to pieces by a crowd of wearied sight-seers, anxious to escape. If the directors could get a RAPHAEL, they would, in the same spirit, lay it down as a door-mat, for the greater luxury of their departing patrons.

MR. BEST, having in vain remonstrated against the vulgarity, very properly resigns. He will not desecrate MENDELSSOHN, and "play the people out." If the Panopticon people conduct all their arrangements in this fashion, and without regard to what is due to art, the public, which soon comprehends such things, will discover it. And then the next organist will have a very much harder task to attempt than "playing people out," namely, that of " playing them in." The directors have got a Novum Organum, and a noble one, but they need not therefore behave like fat Bacons,

The Bitters of Repentance.

"This year," saith the prophetic chronicle," there will not be peace until the war is at an end; more men will not die than are killed, starved, or left to die, neither will horses live for the sake of learning how to live without eating. Lords who are foolish will not become wiser by remaining as they are, nor will the Great Bear be satisfied with a sore head if they will prevent him being hurt. Speeches will not make foolish speakers seem wise, nor will the listeners believe them so, unless it is worth their while; fools and folly will not be parted more THESE Bitters are taken generally the first thing in the morning, than usual; old women, prime ministers, and children will remain old when a fast young gent (leman) wakes up with a bitter headache, and women, prime ministers and children; neither will people get meaning before he can eat his breakfast has to fly to gentian, quinine, absinthe, out of sound, figs off Thistles, wisdom out of Argyle Street, or honesty and such like bitters, or else rushes frantically into Bitter Beer. out of those who sell themselves. Garters will not be given till legs are "embittered existence" means the life that is eventually led by one vacant; fools will not rise by their own merits as long as they can by who, for any length of time, has been in the habit of taking the above the reverse; promotion will be given to the undeserving only when "bitters." deserving men are neglected; and discipline in the army will not be enforced by dancing in shirts, swallowing of candles, or the like, except when head-quarters think otherwise.

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As to the war, walls will stand unless they are beaten down, guns will be taken if they are left behind, and the same will be useless if

An

PICTORIAL COMPANION TO LAUNCE AND HIS DOG.-LANCE, and his Peacock.

FLOWERS THAT ARE ALWAYS FALLING OFF.-Bachelor's Buttons.

July 2nd, Monday. LORD ST. LEONARD'S called the attention of the Lords to the Ticket of Leave System, which he described as having worked very badly. LORD GRANVILLE, in reply, said that it had worked very well. LORD MELVILLE and the DUKE OF CAMBRIDGE expressed great anxiety that none of the Ticket of Leave Men should be allowed to enter the military service, which was a profession of honour. There is much to be said, of course, both ways, but there might be a worse recruit than a reprieved Burglar, who would break into Sebastopol, or a reprieved Smasher, who should take to smashing its defenders.

said, that Mr. Punch accepts with pleasure, but without the faintest blush on his fine countenance, the snow-storm of acknowledgments he is receiving for his noble and philanthropic conduct in defeating the Sunday Bill.

The Educational prospects of the country, however, are not very brilliant. On this Monday night, the Scottish Education Bill made some little progress, and the Senators, deeply impressed with the serious business on which they were engaged, roared and roared again with laughter, because on one of the amendments the members were equal; but SIR JOHN PAKINGTON had to throw over his English bill, in despair of getting attention for it this Session. However, LORD JOHN RUSSELL Consoled him by promising, that the subject of Education should not entirely escape the consideration of Government. And thereupon the three bills with which Parliament has been playing,— namely, two Education Bills and a Free School Bill-were pitched out of the House. Gaols, it would seem, are cheaper than Schools.

Tuesday. Both Houses were occupied in the way mentioned in Mr. Punch's first paragraph. SHAKSPEARE felt that the effect of the most solemn business was heightened by the artistic introduction of a bit of contrasting chatter and absurdity, and MR. MILNER GIBSON, recognising this truth in art, broke into the homage which the Commons were rendering to a departed hero, with some petulant peace-monger's trash, for which he received a stinging rebuke from LORD PALMERSTON, who was probably not aware of [the high art of the interruption, and only saw in it a piece of low taste. Finally, MR. RICH (MR. HENRY DRUMMOND'S little pig that squeaked because unable to get at the conduit of natural diet), endeavouring to set forth certain notions about the army, was cruelly counted out, about dinner time.

Wednesday. The Commons got through some work without much unnecessary talking, and especially made progress with a useful Coal Mines Inspection Bill. It seems necessary that there should be very stringent control, by disinterested persons, over mines; and as minors are entitled to necessaries, it is to be hoped the bill will pass.

Thursday. It would, of course, be too much to expect, that our Government, or the War-Minister, should be able to do a proper thing properly, or without bungling attempts, and alterations. LORD PANMURE announced, that he had reconsidered his plan for giving our soldier double pay, and investing half in the Savings Bank, and that he should pay him sixpence extra, as field allowance, and enable him to appropriate another sixpence for the benefit of his family. LORD ELLENBOROUGH stated, that he was doing all in his power as a recruiting serjeant, for whenever he met a man who looked as if he wanted advice, his Lordship told him, "to discard all worldly considerations and to become a soldier, for the first of all professions was the military profession, and the first of all rewards was military honour." It was remarked that the Bishops and Law Lords cheered this announcement with almost unseemly vociferation.

The Commons went at the Nuisances Bill, and LORD ROBERT GROSVENOR actually had the egotism to speak on the subject. As a fitting chastisement for his personal vanity, the Hyde Park affair came up again, and MR. TOM DUNCOMBE brought forward a number of instances of the misconduct of the police, nearly all of which SIR GEORGE GREY refused to believe. The Tenants Compensation Bill, an Irish measure, was then discussed, the debate being only remarkable for the coarse language used by the majority of the Irish Members who spoke. In the House of Commons, the Sabbatical homoeopathist, LORD Their provincial petulance and arrogance at last drew from LORD PAL ROBERT GROSVENOR, manifested an infinitesimal quantity of sense, by MERSTON a damaging castigation, which, by way of example, he laid withdrawing the Sunday Trading Bill, as reluctantly, however, as if he across the shoulders of their grumbling Coryphoeus, SHEE, an Irish were a martyr making a sacrifice, instead of a muff retracting a blunder. lawyer of much vulgar volubility. The PREMIER told this SHEE, that It is difficult to say, who has behaved worst in connection with this bill; he had begged the Government to take charge of the bill, but was doing the silly Lord, who brought it in; the timid Government, that was afraid all he could to impede its passing, in order to maintain a grievance to take one side or the other; the apathetic House of Commons, that did which would be a good hustings cry. The House, perfectly undernot thrust the bill from the threshold, which would have been (Mr. standing that this really was the Irish game, applauded the exposure, Punch mentions for the benefit of certain ignorant writers for the which so enraged SHEE. that he poured out a whole flood of Billingsgate, Sunday press) to Eliminate it; the unfaithful metropolitan members, who and then defied LORD PALMERSTON to rebuke him again. To this LORD did not whip up the said House to its work; or the police, who instead of PALMERSTON quietly observed, that he "certainly would be guilty battering the swell-mob and the stone-throwers, brutally beat inoffensive of that presumption whenever he thought proper." Punch has had to persons, children, and cripples. The whole business is especially dis- touch up his friend PAM on occasion, but never denied him the credit creditable, but the lesson may not prove useless, if it teach the Sab- of having inherited from their mutual and lamented friend (whose son batarians, that they are not to begin religious teaching at the wrong is just going to India in the office his father should have lived to retain) end. You can and may "make people religious by Acts of Parliament," the art of dealing most efficiently with the "Yelpers." and Mr. Punch hopes to see the process carried out with the utmost There was then a renewal of a discussion, whether Members ought to vigour, but the Acts will not deprive poor people of their Sunday vote on questions without having been in the House-a mode of taking dinner. A set of Six Acts, providing the means of ordinary cleanliness, things easy, which the ATTORNEY-GENERAL and others seemed to have providing that in poor homes tenants' Decency shall not be sacrificed to been practising. The SPEAKER thought that they really ought not. Jandlords' Avarice, providing cheap and wholesome education for the Friday. The Lords discussed LORD DERBY's plan for preventing child, providing for the punishment of the parent who withholds it, pro- family prayers. LORD SHAFTESBURY opposed it, and the ARCHBISHOP viding holidays, and places where such days may be rationally, yes, and OF CANTERBURY, thinking that things are best as they are (a way of comfortably spent, providing that Wages shall be paid twenty-four thinking popular with ARCHBISHOPS OF CANTERBURY), also objected to hours before the Day of Rest-that Sestett of Acts would go a very it. The bill was therefore withdrawn. One can understand the noble long way towards making people religious by Act of Parliament-the Racer DERBY's objection to seeing a Horse upon his knees, but cannot rather that such legislation would bring us up to a point at which the exactly comprehend his having a similar objection in the case of a professional Teacher of Religion could address the people, and feel that Christian. he was not mocking the victims of dirt, squalor, ignorance and misery, In the Commons a pledge was extorted from SIR GEORGE GREY, that by calling on them to be decorous and devotional. Interim, be it he would institute a bona fide investigation into the conduct of the