CALISTHENICS OF COMMON LIFE.

INCERELY do we invite the atten-
tion of all our fair readers
not afflicted with paralysis of
the lower extremities, not
wearing a wooden leg, not
weighing twenty stone, not
being silly and unfit to go
about, but being, perhaps,
indolent and indisposed to
exertion, to the subjoined
paragraph, extracted from the
columns of a fashionable con-
temporary:-

"A FEMININE ACCOMPLISHMENT.-
A female pedestrian, M188 ISABELLA
MELROSS, performed last week at
Neath the astonishing feat of walk-
ing 500 half-miles in 500 half-hours,
and 500 quarter-miles in 500 quarter-
hours. The event came off upon the
green near the railway station, in
the presence of a large number of
persons."

were,

nay, eruptions; in fact, not to mince the matter, breakings-out and pimples, consequent on inaction of the skin. The muscles lose their tone from disuse; and the figure, no longer braced by their action, bulges and falls away; besides which, it often becomes deformed by the calamity of fat. The ligaments of the joints relax from the same cause, the ankles thicken and swell, and, the tarsal arch giving way, the feet spread out, and expand into slabs, in form and dimensions resembling fire-shovels and flat-irons.

A BISHOP MADE EASY.

Ir is proposed to split the see of Exeter into halves and make a new bishopric of one of them under the name of Cornwall. The BISHOP OF EXETER consents to the partition, which may seem wonderful; but the endowment of the new see is to be provided by the liberality of the REV. DR. WALKER, and it is not designed to divide the income as well as the diocese. DR. WALKER is the rector and patron of St. Columb It is very much to be de- Major, of which benefice, worth £1,600 a-year, sired that pedestrianism he offers to resign the incumbency and advowson, really, what the Morning Post giving up his own living to supply the BISHOP sarcastically calls the above- OF CORNWALL with a maintenance. He is prementioned exploit; a femi- pared also to give the Bishop a house fit for nine accomplishment." No- him, and two other houses, for canons. Thus body, of course, but a wretch DR. WALKER precludes a pun that might otherwould like to see it carried to the extent of walking a match, farther than to Church; or wise be committed against episcopal extension, would wish to behold a young lady accompanying the pedestrian feat by that of picking up in the shape of an objection that we are too pebbles with the mouth which was made for other purposes. Five hundred half-miles in much in want just now of mortars and Lancaster five hundred half-hours, may be rather too great a distance, in proportion to the time, for the guns to be able to think of affording more majority of our female friends and relatives; but that of as many yards in as many days, bishops and canons. an amount of walking exercise in the open air, which is not exceeded by a great many of them,is hardly far enough. For, in that case, the blood stagnates, and is insufficiently aërated; hence, headache and all manner of poorliness, besides the more disagreeable consequence INSCRIPTION FOR A GERMAN BED.-"Good of loss of blooming complexion. This dreadful misfortune is aggravated by discolorations, Stabling for Nightmares."

THE CANT OF SQUARETOES.

THE Liverpool Standard, in replying to the question, "Where are our great men ?" observes that

"If our great men are asked for, the inquirer is referred to the names of FARADAY, STEPHENSON, BRUNEL, and other masters of science; the materialism of hard facts having totally superseded the imaginative faculties, and wisdom given place to mere human knowledge."

When, since the Britons wore coats of paint, and no pantaloons of any other material, did the superhuman wisdom, of which our Liverpool contemporary speaks, exist in these islands? We can think of no example of the wisdom of our ancestors more nearly divine than that of the celebrated dramatic author to whom our Allies apply the epithet in question, under the name of WILLIAMS; meaning SHAKSPEARE. At present SHAKSPEARE has probably more readers than he ever had, so that his wisdom, at least, has not given place to any inferior description of knowledge. We do not get a SHAKSPEARE, as we do not kill a pig, every day; and the same remark, with still more propriety, perhaps, in the opinion of many, may be applied to BACON.. Now, BACON's philosophy is precisely the basis on which modern science is cultivated, aud by proceeding thereon such men as FARADAY discover facts instead of imagining fallacies; but is it not a considerable advantage that the materialism of facts, whether hard or otherwise, has thus superseded the softer unreality of the imaginative faculties?

A SERGEANT'S SILK HANDKERCHIEF. THERE lives in the little village of Brentwood, a sergeant retired from the 7th Fusileers, by name THOMAS EVERETT, illustrated in the Crimean War with five wounds, and the loss of one eye. A mighty hunter of Russians was THOMAS EVERETT; having, it is said, bagged fifty of the children of the CZAR,-the miserable little ones! At the Alma a shot whistled through THOMAS EVERETT's ear, whispering danger private and confidential. A bayonet went through his arm in a sortie ; and, by way of variety, THOMAS EVERETT enjoyed a ball on the same evening through the hip. A cannon-shot made so near an acquaintance with one of his feet, that it delicately removed the sole of a shoe. Two of his comrades were taken into Sebastopol prisoners, but THOMAS EVERETT stole into the city at night, shot the sentry who guarded them, and returned with his rescued friends. Great, heroic have been the deeds of THOMAS EVERETT; and great, magnificent has been his reward, for-but the theme calls for a new paragraph.

HER MAJESTY! How much heroism, how much devotion may be covered For THOMAS EVERETT has received a silk handkerchief hemmed by by one silk handkerchief! The gallant fellow is, of course, delightedproud of the present. We think he ought to be permitted, on Sundays and holidays, to hoist that handkerchief as his own peculiar flag, on his own staff before his own cottage-door. How, streaming to the wind, it To attempt the search of truth by the imagination, instead of would gather around it all the youthful rustics, firing their blood with the perceptive and reasoning powers, is rather characteristic of a a sense of glory; and kindling their hopes that, for only the loss of one great fool than a great man. What the old Eldonite writer in the eye, the inconvenience of five wounds, with deeds of prowess too Liverpool Standard probably means in complaining that the present age numerous to particularise, they too might hope, some day, to obtain a is deficient in great men is, that there are few minds among us which silk handkerchief! Of course, THOMAS EVERETT, sergeant, receives a predominate over the general mind; but this circumstance may be pension. But wherefore has he not been promoted to the rank, at owing not so much to the scarcity of great men, as to the circumstance least, of ensign? At least the silk handkerchief might have wrapped that solemn prosers and pompous mouthers do not now make that im-up a commission. pression on the public which they made in the good old times, and would still, perhaps, if they had any scope for their genius, make upon himself.

The Manchester Bells.

WE read with satisfaction that on the arrival of the news of the Fall of Sebastopol peals of hells were rung from the Churches of Manchester. The Manchester School bell, however, was tolled by the Manchester scholars in a slow and solemn manner, sounding a knell.

The Bane and the Antidote.

It seems, after all, that the greatest adulteration of milk is with water. But it is a question, with what kind of water? If it is with Thames' water, there cannot well be a worse kind of adulteration, against which chalk itself would be a thousand times preferable. In fact, the chalk should be prudently reserved as an antidote against the bane of drinking the Thames' water, for we all know that Chalk Mixture is! repeatedly administered in violent cases of cholera.

THE CAMPBELL MASSACRE.

Then welcome be Russia's hordes to the shock,

Let them dash their proud foam like a wave on the rock;
But woe to their kindred, and woe to their cause,
When Albyn her claymore indignantly draws."
And, brutally repeating, not the lines of the poet, but the
stab at his intellect, proceeded,-

[HE Massacre of Glen-
сое is avenged!
ELGIN has been
down upon CAMP-
BELL. Henceforth
let that unpleasant
page in the history
of our deliverance
from Popery,
slavery, wooden
shoes, and other
comforts, be held
to be balanced.
At Elgin,on the
11th of September,
1855 (the date is
as memorable as
the 9th of May,
1691), a banquet
was given, ostensi-
bly to entertain
GENERAL SIR
But enough of such melancholy turpitude. Let us only
GEORGE BROWN linger on it long enough to say that, despite the similarity
on his return to of names and of style, the gentleman who upon this occa-
his native country. sion displayed so marvellous a familiarity with the trea-
About 280 un-sures of poetry, was not our own J. G. Scotland may be
suspecting Scotch proud-she has two sons who can appreciate verse. Cir-
cumstances would have brought our own J. G. much
nearer to the text. He would have said-

"Though my perishing ranks should be strew'd in their gore,
Like ocean weeds heap'd on the surf-beaten shore,

I, untainted by flight or by chains,

While the kindling of life in my bosom remains,

Shall victor exult, or in death be laid low,

With my back to the field, and my feet to the foe;
And leaving in battle no blood on my name,

Look proudly to heaven from the death-bed of fame."

The felonious ferocity of that last, wound at poor CAMPBELL can scarcely be exceeded. It finished him, and he was heard of no more. But we understand that such was the determined fury of the slaughterer, that had this not been enough, he meant to have concluded the awful deed as follows:

people sat down, and two suspicious circumstances occurred-one, according to the Inverness Courier, being that the supply of waiters was very deficient, and the other, according to all the reports, that the gallant SIR G. B. talked a great quantity of nonsense. These circumstances ought to have put the assembly on their guard, but they seem to have gone on eating and drinking out their twelve-and-sixpence a-piece, with no uneasy feeling, except that "the price of the tickets was comparatively high." We consider that it was positively high, considering what followed. At a given signal, the President, no other a person than JAMES GRANT, ESQ., Provost of Elgin, drew a long breath, rushed upon THOMAS CAMPBELL, who had offered him no offence whatever, and deliberately murdered him in the following

manner:

"Bold northern usurper, we have marshall'd our clans,
Their swords altho' thousands, their bosoms are one;
They are true to the last of their blood and their breath,
And like reapers descend to the harvest of death.

MANCHESTER IN PARIS.

WE rejoice to find that Manchester flaunts and flourishes in the French exhibition. The Times' correspondent does all honour to the fineness, the delicacy of the drills-so fine that even the EMPEROR approved of them, so delicate that the EMPRESS became a purchaser. We further learn that Manchester's agent, MR. MURRAY, in the blandest manner informed His MAJESTY that these drills, notwithstanding "the prohibitory tariff, found their way into the French market; the cost of smuggling varying from 50 to 100 per cent." At this guileless avowal, His MAJESTY merely observed, "It was a good thing to know." And as far as the benign effects of the smuggler may operate, Mr. Punch will add, a good thing to do;" for the smuggler may, in a sort, be considered a public benefactor: a citizen of the world that circulates the world's good gifts. There were several LUTHERS before the successful one, says a philosophic historian. There were many WILL WATCHES before RICHARD COBDEN.

The name of COBDEN brings us to BRIGHT, with whose house the Times' exhibition critic is very wrath. The subject is carpets-carpets which are exhibited by BRIGHT AND CO. The savage critic declares,

"These carpets are execrable in design, though remarkable in other respects; and for the sake of British taste, which the Manchester manufacturers appear to glory in doing all they can to vulgarise, we could have wished that the gold medal said to have been awarded in this instance had been withheld, on the special ground that it is a high industrial offence to use the multiplying powers of machinery for the purpose of debasing in any country the appreciation of the beautiful."

These be bitter words: but we believe JOHN BRIGHT AND CO. may plead this much in extenuation: the carpets were not intended for France, but were originally manufactured for Russia; the unsophisticated children of the CZAR, like all children of nature, having a passion for the strongest conflict of colours. That Manchester delights to debase the appreciation of the beautiful can hardly be true, seeing how it at once appreciates and elevates JOHN BRIGHT, a very pattern-man, though it would seem not quite the man of carpet-patterns.

We have, however, heard a trade report that, if true, will go very far to enhance the reputation of JOHN BRIGHT as a fancy carpet-weaver. Our readers are, of course, familiar with pocket-bandkerchiefs on which the whole text of documents-poetic or patriotic-are printed. Well, JOHN BRIGHT is about to produce for the Russian market-the goods

"Ha! langh'st thou, PRINCE GORTSCHAKOFF, my vision to scorn,
Proud double-headed eagle, thy wing shall be torn,
Because a darker spectacle is near,

The war drum is beating, and black is your fear,
Accurst be the ashes that glow at thy feet,

'Tis Sebastopol's ruins, now quite complete."

"The war-drum is muffled-and black is the Beer." May it be long before Elgin has again to record such an act upon her Marbles.

An Earnest Teetotaller.

Ir is told of a distinguished teetotaller (whose decanter bears the motto, "private and confidential") that when he read the hoax, printed some time since, of the utter destruction of the Falls of Niagara, he immediately went into deep mourning.

will go through Prussia-certain carpets with his own speeches in condemnation of the Russian war, and in praise of Russia, printed, to the last letter, in the very best Russian,-the translation having been obtained by means of a certain Greek merchant located in Manchester, who every day drinks, in the choicest Samian wine, confusion to the Allies by sea and land!

There can be no doubt that these goods will find a ready sale throughout holy Russia. Most fittingly, too, will the speeches of MR. BRIGHT be transferred to carpets, for such specimens of Manchester logic and Manchester patriotism cannot be too often or too much trodden under foot.

RUSSIAN RECEPTION OF THE NEWS OF THE
FALL OF SEBASTOPOL.

GLADSTONE retired into his bedroom, and locked the door.
ON the receipt of the intelligence of the Fall of Sebastopol, MR.
SIR JAMES GRAHAM wept.

The hon. gentleman was taken very ill in the course of the night.
MR. COBDEN, who was at tea, ordered the things to be taken away.
MR. BRIGHT stopped his ears with cotton, that he might not hear the
ringing of the bells.

LORD JOHN RUSSELL scratched his head.
KING OTHO, of Greece, shook in his shoes.

BOMBA danced with rage for a few moments, and then broke out into a violent perspiration.

CZAR ALEXANDER, ground his teeth, and tore the letter to pieces.
The EMPEROR OF AUSTRIA, who was writing an autograph to the

The KING OF PRUSSIA was seized with a vertigo. When he recovered he expressed himself very unwell, and called for brandy and water, of which beverage His MAJESTY drank several glasses, crying more and more profusely over each, and was ultimately carried to bed.

Prussia Illuminates.

THE illumination for the Fall of Sebastopol at the Prussian Embassy in Paris was, of all the illuminations, the most brilliant. With a touch of refined diplomacy, it is said that the lamps were filled with the very choicest Russian oil.

Master Alfred (an ingenious boy). "LOOK HERE, WALTER! SEE WHAT A JOLLY TARGET OLD AUNT BETSY'S ROUND HAT MAKES."

Till the CZAR's proud heart be shaken, in his terror-haunted splendour, "No Peace "-say we. The Kraken, though stunn'd, yet welters, ready

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.-SEPTEMBER 22, 1855.