A DAY'S FISHING AND A RUN WITH A FRIEND'S HOUND. Owner of Attached Quadruped (frantically). "Let him go! Give him line! Hold on! Take care! I'm coming with the landing-net !" PUNCH'S ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. June 18th, Monday.-THE voice of HENRY BROUGHAM has been twice heard in the House of Lords this past week, both times in utterances worthy of him. On this Monday he ably pleaded the cause of the poor, oppressed by County Court extortions, and on Thursday he gave vent to his fierce and righteous indignation at the Hango atrocity, declaring that "if ever the nation called for blood it was now." In the House of Commons, the adjourned debate on MR. LAYARD's motion was resumed. LORD GODERICH naïvely complained that the aristocratic composition of the present Government was unfair to the aristocracy, for when people saw Lords thrust into every office, and the work of every office was bungled, people got the impression that Lords were good for nothing, to which he, as a Lord, objected. The debate was dull, but still worthy of notice. LORD PALMERSTON, seeing the direction that popular opinion takes upon the subject of administrative reform, threw over the plea he had instructed his CHANCELLOR OF THE EXCHEQUER to make, namely, that Government had reformed things as far as possible, and he accepted SIR BULWER LYTTON'S amendment, which declared that a great deal more ought to be done. This little illustration of the sincerity of our rulers should be noticed. Moreover, LORD PALMERSTON affected to be dreadfully angry that he had been accused of making jokes on serious subjects. This was an inaccurate way of putting it. Nobody said that the Viscount made jokes-it requires a better man than a Parliamentary "star" to do that, but he certainly indulged in flippant levities, and if he denies this again, Mr. Punch will desire one of his office-boys to look up a dozen or so of them, of course paying that young person extra for exposing himself to the influence of non-sanatory matter. a The House was also favoured with what somebody has called "oozings from the cracked brain of HENRY DRUMMOND," who is the queerest mixture of NESTOR and THERSITES that ever amused rational men. This Angel having played such fantastic tricks before the House as made the members laugh, MR. DISRAELI likened him to RABELAIS, higher compliment, perhaps, than MR. DRUMMOND deserved, but still one of significance and appropriateness. MR. DISRAELI himself declared that he had invented the phrase "Administrative Reform," and knew what it meant, too, and would preciously soon let them all know, if LORD DERBY only came in again. The division against MR. LAYARD was 359 to 46 a result which might have been expected from a House composed like the present. The story of this reform movement may be closed by Mr. Punch's mentioning that SIR B. LYTTON's amendment was agreed to, VOL. XXVIII. TERPSICHOREANA. WHAT is the difference between a soirée dansante and a thé dansant?-a dancing evening and a dancing tea? There were eight of the former to one of the latter announced the other day under the head of "Fashionable Arrangements for the Week," in the Morning Post. Is a thé dansant a dance plus tea, and a soirée dansante a dance minus tea? If minus tea, is it plus sherry-cobbler? or do fashionable arrangements include an arrangement so mean as that of dancing without anything to drink? Such dancing must be very dry work; no thé, not even any bière! -hops without malt. A thé dansant might, on superficial consideration, appear to have been probably the invention of BARON NATHAN, who used to dance within the interspaces of a set of tea-things: but on profounder reflection we discern that it was the BARON alone that danced, and not the cups of tea; neither could the eggs that were added to the tea have taken an active part in the performance. However we find that a Polka and a Waltz are advertised, termed respectively the "Hatching Polka," and the Hatching Waltz:" whence we infer that either BARON NATHAN, or some rival of that Noble, has devised a novel dance, which consists in capering between sets of eggs under incubation, without disturbing the hens. THE BEST LOOK OUT FOR PARSONS.-A Bishop's See. unanimously, on Thursday, and carried-the people may just as well be told this" amid general laughter." Tuesday. In the "Casino," the Bill for regulating the affairs of Friendly Societies was read a second time. Mr. Punch wonders how many of their lordships knew, until told on Tuesday, that three millions of persons, and six millions of capital, are connected with, and invested in, these societies. The City Corporation is respited. The bill to reform it is not to be introduced this session. Government thought that it would be cruel to inflict another blow upon the Aldermanic GRUBBS and GARBAGES, immediately after depriving them of the comfort of the stenches of Smithfield.-Mr. Punch is no opponent of mercy, as a rule, but he cannot but think that the two nuisances might have been dealt with at once. A select committee was appointed to enquire into the circumstances of the expedition commanded by the gallant CAPTAIN M'CLURE, who has solved the mystery of the Arctic sea. The hero of the Northern Ocean deserves a noble reward, but it is to be feared he will be insulted with a knighthood-the sort of thing stuck on a provincial cheesemonger who happens to be a Mayor when a Royal personage happens to have a baby. MR. LOCKE KING stated to the House that it, and its predecessors, had made 10,047 laws, all of which were obsolete, and he moved a resolution that a bill should be prepared for abolishing such laws. Of course the Government resisted such a proposal, but MR. LOCKE KING, who has a habit of beating Governments, defeated LORD PALMERSTON by a majority of 17. A motion of MR. HEADLAM, for securing to the family of an officer, slain in battle, the value of his commission, now absolutely lost to them, was resisted by MR. F. PEEL in his usual petty way, but LORD PAL EERSTON took a somewhat larger view of the case, and agreed that an officer should have the option of saying whether he would prefer that his family should receive the amount in one sum, or the pension. The sad news, which came a few hours after this concession, told of the fall been a boon, had it been accorded earlier, and not withheld until of many fathers, husbands, and brothers, men to whom it might have extorted. Wednesday. The House of Commons went into Committee on the bill enabling you to marry your sister-in-law. Its opponents fought very doggedly, and were defeated on three divisions, but young ladies had better defer buying the Berlin wool for slippers, and beginning to embroider braces, and otherwise preparing to make themselves acceptable to widowed brothers-in-law. For there are bishops in the Casino. D D Thursday. The Peers of England spoke out boldly and nobly about the Hango outrage, a matter apparently beneath the attention of the representatives of the people. LORD MALMESBURY (actually arousing, like LORD VERISOPHT) for once behaved in a manly and energetic manner, as did LORD CLARENDON and others, LORD BROUGHAM's fiery words have been echoed all over the land. LORD COLCHESTER was the exception, who talked about as well as one of his brothers, the oysters of Colchester, might have been expected to do. He wished another flag of truce sent-that more ruffianly murder might be done, one supposes. But the Government have demanded, through Denmark, whether Russia will punish the guilty parties. As a lying version of the affair is already promulgated by the Court of St. Petersburg, it is certain that no punishment will be inflicted. Far better to let the sailors in the Baltic Fleet, whose comrades have been murdered, be distinctly apprised that England leaves the work of punishment to them. The House of Commons was in a merrier humour, had nothing to say about Hango, but had a good roar at the termination of the attempt to satisfy the popular cry for administrative reform. Friday. The Lords read, a second time, a meritorious bill for expe diting the trials of persons charged with various offences. The proo1 that it is needed lies in the fact that, out of 28,000 persons brought to trial, 6,200 were acquitted or discharged for want of evidence. The report of the Sebastopol Committee has been presented this week. What Mr. Punch thinks of it, he may say elsewhere. What MR. ROEBUCK thinks of it may be gathered from the following resolution, which he launched, like a thunderbolt, at LORD PALMERSTON'S head. On the third of July MR. ROEBUCK will move "That this House, deeply lamenting the sufferings of our army in the Crimea during the winter campaign last year, and considering, in accordance with the Committee, that the conduct of every member of the Government engaged in the management of the war was the first and chief cause of those sufferings, does hereby censure the conduct of every member of the Cabinet." Mr. Punch need not remind his friends that, except the Peelites, almost everybody whose conduct" is thus to be "censured" is a member of the present Administration, On the whole, therefore, and considering that MR. ROEBUCK habitually fulfils all his menaces-Mr. Punch may congratulate his friends aforesaid (he alludes to the civilised world) upon the prospect of an unmistakeable Shindy. PUNCH TRAVELLING BY POST. MORE seasonable present at any season of the year can be made to any one than a number of that popular periodical which is now before the reader, and which has just completed its Twenty-eighth volume. In consequence of the recent alteration in the Newspaper Stamp law that most accept able present can now S we read some direc gentlemen. Then, at the end of the first or second stanza, you rush up to the piano, and assure the poor body that "you are extremely obliged, to be sure," and leave her to her surprise before you are made conscious of your mistake. Shortly afterwards, as a great favour, you consent, and having, by an impartial distribution of your gloves, and handker"if the gentlemen only will be quiet for five minutes," to sing yourself; chief, and bouquet, and vinaigrette, secured a goodly attendance round you, you warble away, and lavish the resources of your beautiful contralto voice in the most prodigal and effective manner. The "cutting out" has been perfect, and you proceed to your discomforted rival in the most affectionate manner to ask "if she has a partner for the next waltz." In Another plan is not to ask your rival to sing until the gentlemen are all downstairs at supper. In bonnets and gowns there is abundance of material for the most conspicuous forms of "cutting out;" and the most popular form, though perhaps a trifle vulgar, from having been so much over-done, is to ascertain by some secret diplomacy what is the precise pattern worn by your rival, and then. on some public occasion, to wear it first yourself. As a matter of course, you accuse your rival of imitation, and wonder "how any one can be so mean?" marrying, it is dangerous to attempt any "cutting out," for we have known instances of persons cutting their fingers terribly in the operation, and when once you have been cut out, it is not so easy to cut in again. In fashionable life, the success of the art depends greatly upon the resources that you have at your command to practise it. If MRS. SO-AND-So has but one gray, then it is your duty if you wish to get a-head of her, to come out instantly with two grays. If she has only hundred. If her diamonds represent so many hundreds of pounds, you one hundred persons to her soirées, then you must secure at least two be sent by post for the must take the shine out of them by seeing that yours represent so many small charge of one thousands; and so on, with your establishment, your children, your penny. Four numbers of Punch, when decorated with a QUEEN's servants, and everything else in the same proportion. In "cutting out," head, will go to any part of HER MAJESTY'S dominions at that ex- the great essentials requisite are a long purse, a cool head, a cold heart, tremely moderate fare, whereas the shortest journey, by the Royal and a sharp tongue: with a stock-in-trade like that you are sure to mail, of Mr. Punch's entertaining miscellany involved, heretofore, an expenditure of fourpence, unless previously stamped. Henceforth, four numbers will go to JOHN O' GROAT's house for one quarter of the sum from which the gentleman so called derives his name. An immense multiplication of copies of Punch will necessarily result from the increased facility of its transport, since vast additional numbers of persons will be induced to purchase this pleasant publication by the knowledge of having the potentiality of stamping it themselves in case of wishing to send it to their friends. Thus the loss to the revenue, apprehended by some timid legislators from the repeal of the stamp duty, will be amply compensated; particularly as the unparalleled lightness of these humourous pages will render their transmission a matter of the greatest ease to the State. Calcraft for the Baltic. THE name of Hango has an ominous sound-especially as denoting the scene of an atrocious murder. If our sailors contrive to take the place, they will be justified in taking the last letter from its appellation, and acting, in reference to every miscreant they can catch there, on the hint suggested by the remainder. cut-out" everybody. Antidote to Dissent. THE Examiner, on the one hand, says that the last report of the Cathedral Commission "winds up with a proposal of founding a round dozen of new bishopricks," and, on the other, that "the last census return proved that of the population of England and Wales attending divine service on a Sunday, more than one half of them dissented from the Church of England." The prevalence of dissent may be ascribed by some to the circumstance of the country having had too much instead of not enough bishop: if that is the case, the recommendation of the Commissioners must be regarded as the prescription of "a hair of the dog that bit you." THE SETTLEMENT OF THE THAMES EMBANKMENT QUESTION.-Stir it, and sound it as you will, there never will be, with our present Conservators, any other Settlement of this Question but-MUD. MECHI'S PROFESSION.-In agriculture as in business, to make two blades where there was only one blade before. In reply to a Speech of MR. DISRAELI on the subject of morning sittings, LORD PALMERSTON began by saying, "I am quite as sensible as the right honourable gentleman opposite." This is the most remarkable piece of modesty on the part of the PREMIER that we can at present call to mind. RUMOURED LAST APPEARANCE IN THE PULPIT. OUR true blue contemporary, John Bull, perplexes us with the following paragraph: "DR. M'NEILE,-It is stated that the REV. DR. M'NEILE, having by the death of a near relative come into a handsome competency, is about to retire into private life." We can understand that the succession to a handsome competency might induce an actor to retire into private life from the stage fast enough; but cannot well conceive it occasioning a clergyman to "cut" the pulpit with similar alacrity. PREMIUMS FOR PUBLIC SERVICE. IN advocating the claim of CAPTAIN M'CLURE, the discoverer of the northwest passage, to a reward for his services on the ground of precedent as well as justice, the Times says "SIR EDWARD PARRY, who reached 110° west longitude, received £5000 and knighthood." Such a man as PARRY is rewarded with £5,000 for his services once in his life. An average Bishop is rewarded with the same sum every year. How much more serviceable than such a man as PARRY ought an average Bishop to be to the British public! THE ANSWER TO THE MAINE LIQUOR QUESTION.-The answer to the gentlemen who are agitating this question is a decided negativeand that negative comes with a twofold strength-for not only does it say you May'nt, but you Shan't. ROOM FOR ADMINISTRATIVE IMPROVEMENT.-The work of Government is no longer peace-work: we wish we could also say that it has ceased to be job-work. THE TOO FAITHFUL TALBOTYPE. Georgina (in riding habit). "WELL DEAR! I DECLARE IT'S THE VERY IMAGE OF YOU! I NEVER! Sarah Jane (who insists upon seeing the plate). "LIKE ME! FOR GOODNESS SAKE DON'T BE RIDICULOUS, GEORGINA. I THINK IT'S PERFECTLY ABSURD! WHY, IT HAS GIVEN ME A STUPID LITTLE TURN-UP NOSE, AND A MOUTH THAT'S ABSOLUTELY ENORMOUS !" THE VICTORY OF HANGO. (For the Invalide Russe.) "TWAS off the port of Hango that the good ship, Cossack, lay; And our hearts beat high as their bark came nigh the holy Russian shore. There stood one gallant Muscovite alone upon the strand; Keep close, ye slaves, and quiet, our brave Commander cried, With rifles primed and loaded against them did we go; Our dauntless fellows levelled their weapons at his breast; Our lion-hearted Chieftain then this stern defiance flung Thereon one hundred Muscovites their triggers boldly drew; As fierce as bears, as brave as kites, on board the boat we sprung. A heap of five we left for dead within the boat that day; Of Alma and of Inkermann we leave the Allies to boast, Will be less afraid to afford that aid which they so fain would lend. FEAR OF FACING THE TRUTH.-The reason why Photographs are not generally liked (excepting amongst ladies), is because there is no But some Fins had brought, whom, prisoners caught, he had landed flattery about the sun-he's an artist that will not be blinded, for he's to restore. up to every wrinkle. |