PUNCH'S ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. THE House of Commons, having relieved itself of its terror of a Dissolution, departed cheerfully for the Whitsun holidays, and, re-assembling on Monday, the 4th of June, resumed the discussion of the War in a very different spirit, and in the tone of philosophic calmness which people adopt when discussing the affairs of other folks. Nothing, in fact, could be much more stupid than the majority of the speeches which have been delivered during this supplementary discussion, which was protracted all through the week. Ab ovo usque ad malum, that is to say, from MR. MILNER GIBSON's egg-otistic opening of the debate on Monday, to LORD PALMERSTON's 'bad' speech on terminating it on Friday, there were very few harangues which would have been tolerated in any assembly of intellect superior to that of the House.

The only excuse Mr. Punch can find for the halting orators of the week is, that the respected Speaker, being unfortunately lame, absented himself, and the House, out of a delicate sympathy with the Right Hon. Gentleman, delivered nothing but lame speeches, Mr. Punch is not going to waste his precious space in immortalising the discussion, though MR. DISRAELI did say that this debate would be regarded as one of the most important in our annals, a natural and pardonable delusion in him, inasmuch as he has enlightened the Senate with four or five speeches in the course of the affair. A few only of the Parliamentary flies will be preserved in the Punchovian amber. Be it remarked, that at the outset, LORD PALMERSTON declared that the Viennese farce was finally and formally concluded; the "door" which he has been keeping open is shut and locked, and the key has been flung by Mr. Punch into Sebastopol, where the Allies can pick it up at their leisure, after the capture of the place.

SIR WILLIAM MOLESWORTH Vindicated his intellectual reputation by showing that, though a philosopher, he could come out valiantly at need. He declared that we were not only to repress Russian aggression, but to punish the offence of Russia, who was a burglar and a murderer. And he added, in scorn of the pitiful Peelite whining about respecting the dignity of Russia, that the Allies "having been compelled to draw the sword, and having expended in this War a vast amount of treasure, and sacrificed so many valuable lives, the chief reason for abating their demands no longer existed; they were entitled to stand upon their rights, and, if they thought proper, to increase their demands in proportion to the continuance of the War, and the success of their arms." Shall MOLESWORTH have a statue? That is a question for consideration hereafter. But, if he gets a statue, let these lines be placed upon the pedestal. In the meantime, Mr. Punch has rendered them imperishable.

reference to a third lady's involuntary absence from certain fashionable parties.

SIR JAMES GRAHAM completed the measure of his abasement by a dismal speech, in which he declared that the war ought to end, for we had got all that we wanted, and that the honour of Russia ought to be considered. He admitted that when in office, he had made the limitation of the Russian navy one of his demands, but said he had not intended that the demand should be adhered to, and now that he was out of office, he felt that it was unjust.

SIDNEY HERBERT took the same view, but his nature revolted against the humiliation which GRAHAM and GLADSTONE did not mind, and he was specially indignant at the idea of its being believed that he was a party to a wilfully inefficient prosecution of the war. Mr. Punch is willing to believe that SIDDY (who has many merits) did all that stronger men would allow him to do.

LORD JOHN RUSSELL tried to get rid of the debate altogether, but failed, as he now usually does, in most things which he attempts.

MR. BRIGHT made a pugnacious speech for peace, and bewailed the heavy taxation of the war, but Mr. Punch, holding all MR. BRIGHT'S premises to be rotten (he does not of course allude to his manufactory), all his arguments to be sophistical, and all his deductions to be ridiculous, is bound to say that the tone and manner of his speech was worthy of the occasion, and in (strong contrast to the littleness of his protégé MR. COBDEN.

The ATTORNEY GENERAL delivered one of his rattling, smashing philippics. SIR ALEXANDER earned office by a speech in the Pacifico debate in 1850, in which he dashed at the great founder of Peelism, and with merciless sarcasms castigated his apparently insincere policy, and in 1855 Mr. Punch finds COCKBURN equally delighted to do the same kind office by the Peelites, whom he charged with trying to make the war unpopular, in the hope that the country might be discontented with it and with the Ministry, and that office might again open to themselves.

Finally, MR. DISRAELI delivered one of the four or five speeches which he thinks will make this debate so memorable, a point on which Mr. Punch has signified a slight dissent, and then LORD PALMERSTON, having discharged himself of a common-place, but loud-mouthed harangue, the best point in which was his telling the Peacemongers that most people thought they ought to be in Bedlam, the House was seized with a unanimous fit, and came to a resolution (BARING's, but with the head cut off) :—

That the war should go on vigorously."

And perhaps this is a more satisfactory "tag" to the comedy of Much Ado about Nothing than the country had expected. It is gratifying to think that SIR E. LYONS, and LORD RAGLAN are acting as if they had foreseen the decision of the British Senate.

Having thus summed up the great business of the week, Mr. Punch has only to add that the Maynooth squabble was renewed on Wednesday and vituperation was duly exchanged between Protestants and Catholics until it was time to adjourn.

In the Casino nothing has been done worth remark, except that the Newspaper Stamp Bill has been passed. Henceforth, people may stamp or not as they like, pirate as much as they please, and need give no securities against publishing slander and scurrility, unless they wish to stamp. It is well that the public should understand the exact position in which the utmost exertions of senatorial wisdom have now placed and left the Newspaper Press.

BETTY MARTIN'S COW.

THE Elgin Courant makes the following assertion :

longing to MR. RUSSELL, flesher, and a shoemaker's awl was found embedded in her A CURIOUS FACT.-A Cow was killed in our shambles on Wednesday last, beheart. It had not the handle, but the awl was entire; and we shall leave veterinary surgeons and others to explain how the awl got there, and how Crummy could have thriven so well, and given so much milk with steel in so vital a part of her body."

"The awl was entire." Very likely in which case should not the word have been spelt a-1-1? It is not, perhaps, too much to suggest that the awl in the heart of the live cow may have been "all my eye."

A Deluge of Nonsense.

THE Maine Liquor Law is only an American dodge to pluck the trident out of BRITANNIA's hand, and to institute in its stead a teaspoon; for if our Yankee Teetotallers succeed in passing their stupid Law in this country, how can BRITANNIA boast for the future of ruling the Main?

MR. COBDEN spoke against the war, and intimated much aristocratic contempt for the "pot-house politicians," who denounced the enemy of England and of liberty. To prevent mistakes, it should be mentioned that the individuals thus stigmatised by this haughty patrician, are the same persons who, when he was gallantly overthrowing the Corn-laws, were the "intelligent operatives, who, assembling at evening for refresh ment, joined in denouncing the class that taxed their loaf." MR. COBDEN also thought proper to make a very impertinent reference to the private friendship of two ladies, whose husbands discharge public PUNCH'S LITTLE WARBLER.-The nightingale sings from the throat, duties, and this was a very small and unworthy sneer, almost as small and, more than that, it never sings unless it feels in the "jug-jug "ular and unworthy as its pretended explanation (given in club windows) with vein.

REFORMATORY FOR YOUNG GENTLEMEN.

NOT very long ago we called
attention to the advertise-
ment of a strong minded
mamma," who was anxious
to place a little girl who

of the age, that in a short time judges will be found sentencing pickpockets to four years' education at a Public School, while delinquents of a more advanced age, may be committed for three years to one of our Universities.

gave her trouble" under THE GOVERNMENT HAUL OF PLACES. the charge of some Ogre IT has been estimated by somebody that "in in the shape of a School- the army, navy, church, and colonies, the Gomistress; a Bogie, "tovernment has 60,000 places to give away." terrify the infant into a state According to the old dictum, then, that for every of subordination ending pos- favour accorded you may reckon upon making sibly in a result that would out of every hundred persons ninety-nine your prevent her from giving any enemies, and the other one ungrateful, it is further "trouble to any pretty clear that Government in the period of one. Perhaps it was this one year must, in exchange for the 60,000 places, advertisement that sugges- be harassed by a host of not less than 60,000 ted the idea of a School for ungrateful persons, besides being exposed to the "Young Troublesomes of assaults of some 5,940,000 enemies, making altothe superior class, whose gether a grand total of 6,000,000 persons, who Parents or Guardians it is are constantly arrayed in hostility against it. supposed will gladly avail The wonder, therefore, is, not that the Whig themselves" of an Institu- Governments last for so short a time, but that tion where it is proposed to they last even so long as they do. We are collect those boys who, from surprised that they are not turned out regularly some defect in their mental once a year, and even oftener. The only remedy or moral constitution, have would be for the Whigs to keep the 60,000 fallen into habits which, if places themselves, only we doubt if their party not corrected, will inevitably could muster (throwing them in all the GREYS lead to their "destruction." and ELLIOTTS) half such a numerous force We presume it is intended throughout the United Kingdom. Perhaps the to suggest to Parents and best plan would be for LORD JOHN, besides being Guardians a species of gen- a Minister, and an Ambassador, and a Member, teel imprisonment for these and half a dozen things else, to fill the 60,000 unfortunate young gentle-places himself, and thus ensure the greatest men whose friends are amount of unanimity and unity amongst the often at a loss how to dis- Whigs. But then there is another danger,pose of them." The "stipu- who could guarantee that LORD JOHN would lations" printed in the pro- screen himself from the acts of his own ingratispectus rather further this tude, or that he would not turn out an enemy to idea, for it is suggested that "a boy should be kept at the School for a considerable time, as himself? The safest expedient would be to it is obviously impossible to effect a moral reformation within a limited period." Considering abolish at least one half the places, keeping only the tendency we have in the present day to make pets of our criminal population, we those that were absolutely necessary, for Governwonder there is not a proposal to send our young thieves to genteel boarding schools. We ment may depend upon this truth in political warshall scarcely be surprised to find our criminal code so far altered in conformity with the spirit fare-the fewer the places, the fewer the enemies.

Lord John (entering). Sail'em alike'em. (Aside) I know that's right.
Aali (smiling). Alaikoom salaam. (Conducts LORD JOHN to his seat.)
Hosh Geldin. [Pipes and coffee are introduced. After some minutes,
Interpreter. Is my Lord willing to commence the conversation?
Lord John. Yes, if it would be the polite thing, for I have smoked
quite as much as is good for me, to say the least.
Interpreter. What shall I say for my Lord.

Lord John. Well, begin with some general remarks on the satisfactory character of our conferences, and express a hope that the negociations may effect the desired result.

Interpreter (translating). The little English messenger compliments your Excellency on the excellence of your tobacco.

Aali. Why, if he likes it, does he grimace over it like a ghoul over an empty grave? Chabuk-get on.

Interpreter. My Lord, his Excelleney reciprocates your sentiments, and fervently implores Allah that the objects the plenipotentiaries have in view may be accomplished, which he thinks they will be, mainly on account of your Lordship's wisdom.

Lord John. He is very kind, and I duly appreciate the compliment he is so good as to pay me, little as I may deserve it.

Interpreter. Some day, your Excellency, the small messenger hopes he shall see your Excellency at his poor house in London.

Aali. What does he think I should want to descend into that pit of Sheitan for? May his grandmother's wig be defiled.

Interpreter. His Excellency feels that though unworthy to be your Lordship's guest, he has now something to live for.

Lord John. Well, civilities apart, now to business. I want you to explain to his Excellency that, in consideration of the great trouble, expense, and loss which the Allies have incurred on behalf of Turkey, we expect that the SULTAN will enable us to say that Turkey shall be managed in a better fashion for the future, and that her law-courts, finances, and so on, will undergo administrative reform.

Aali. Will that fountain of muddy water bubble away for ever? What does the Bosh-koku say? Speak-is your face blackened, dog? Interpreter. Mashallah-Heaven forbid, your Excellency. I am but a spout before you, to convey the waters of that fountain, yet I fear to offend. Aali. Beast of blackness, and ass of absurdity, speak. Do you presume to think that you are anything in our sight?

Interpreter. Mashallah, again, Excellency. The little man, from the nation of shopkeepers, would drive a bargain with our Sovereign Lord, the Father of all the Sovereigns of the Earth, the Refuge of the World, the Successor of the Prophet, the Shadow of

Aali. Your feet thirst for the stick, nor shall they thirst in vain. What is his accursed offer?

Interpreter. May your slave quiet him with a word, and I will explain? (To LORD JOHN). His Excellency says, my Lord, that your She-king is a wise She-king, and that his Master is also wise, and that all shall be well; also that there is but one Allah, and Mahommed is his prophet.

Lord John. He is under a mistake in that last point, and I must lend him some of the works of my friend DR. CUMMING. But I am not bigotted, and I do not mind admitting that Mahommed was a leader of remarkable energy and genius, and that there are many passages of unexceptionable merit in the Koran.

Aali. We wait, dog. What was his demand?

Interpreter. Excellency, the small messenger intimates-on his head be the blame, not on mine that the Infidels have done much for Turkey, and, in return, they wish that the management of the country,

especially the departments of the Ulemas and of the Deftardar, be altered.

Aali. Son of a burnt father, your stupidity must accuse him falsely. He looks valiant in a small way, but he has not that shameless audacity. Interpreter. By the bells of Paradise, Excellency, I have laid his words at your feet.

Lord John. Do not press the theological question needlessly, my good man. I do not wish to hurt your master's feelings. But his answer to my requisition was rather general. 1 should be glad of a more distinct assent.

Interpreter. My Lord, his Excellency submits to you that the subject is a large and important one, and that its consideration may well be delayed until a future time.

Aali. You have told him to eat toads, dog?

Interpreter. The largest out of Jehanum, or in it, Excellency.

Lord John. This system of postponement, tell his Excellency, is one by no means conducive to the welfare of communities. I never postpone anything, except Reform Bills, the claims of the Jews, and other things which cannot be conveniently pressed.

Aali. What does he mumble?

Interpreter. Something about Jews, Excellency.

Aali. Are these his manners? What vulgarity is to follow? Pigs will probably proceed, next, out of his unseemly mouth--who knows? Bakalloom! tell him to wipe himself out of our eyes if he cannot behave like a gentleman.

Interpreter. His Excellency admits that your Lordship, as usual, speaks wisely, but one nation is in one place with its customs, and another nation is in another place with its customs, and the sky is above all, and what must be must be.

Lord John. I know that-Che sara sara is my family motto. But that is not the way to interpret it.

Aali (surprised). Wretched puddle, what devilish storm is stirring up your mud? We must lay that tempest with the wand of SOLOMON. Ho! the sticks of glory.

Interpreter (toning down and gathering up his papers). Pardon, Excellency, but it was not in me to be silent when he said that your Excellency was a cow.

son

Aali (to Interpreter, who is sneaking off). Here, dog, you stop! How many of those abominable testimonials have you got in your intolerable pocket? Interpreter. Forty-four, Excellency.

Aali (calling). The sticks of glory, and forty-four blows upon the feet of untruthfulness. (Kindly) Afiet olsun-may it do you good. SCENE closes amid the howling of the INTERPRETER.

THE POTSDAM AGUE PATIENT.

HERE are still very sad accounts of KING
CLICQUOT. The Times Correspondent at
CLICQUOT's capital says, referring to His
Majesty :-

:

"Only the day before yesterday he had a return of ague, which a little time back had attacked him rather severely."

Yes, it is all very well to call it ague: but we know all about that we know, and so does the Times Correspondent, what is the real nature of CLICQUOT'S shakiness. This, indeed, is evident from what immediately follows the foregoing:

"Though there is, perhaps, nothing at present in the King's state to inspire solicitade in those who are attached to him, it is known that he has been for a long time thoroughly out of health; he has become extremely stout, and anything but firm and healthy in flesh-proof of which is to be seen in the length of time that the wound

Interpreter (firing up). My Lord will look at my testimonials (pulls out papers). Here are certificates of my ability as an interpreter, signed which he got on his foot and his cheek on two different occasions, while walking in the by the greatest Lords in the world (opens and displays them one after garden at Charlottenburg, took to heal." the other, with much fury). Here is the great LORD SMITH, Lord of! There is, however, in the state of CLICQUOT, as described above, very England, Beef-eater; and here is the LORD WALES OF JONES, Eater of much to inspire solicitude in us, who are so determinately attached to Goats; and here is the great LORD SCOTCH, King of a million of Sulphur him, that we mean to stick to him, so long as he continues to be, as Mines; and hereNICHOLAS desired him, "the same for Russia," that is, Russia's in[Proceeds to hand in about fifty papers, with similar Oriental strument. We are informed that he has become extremely stout "appreciation of the social rank of their donors. a very common consequence of imbibing an excess of fluid-and we are further given to understand that his fat is not healthy fat. CLICQUOT is spoiling his figure. He once, at least, had some taste for literature. If he can still read anything, let him read SHAKSPEARE'S Henry IV., and learn what effect sack had on the person of Falstaff, and study the names which the Prince of Wales calls him on account of it, among the mildest of which are a "tallow-keech" and a "trunk of humours." The length of time which his nose (not cheek) took to heal when he "barked" it in the garden at Charlottenburg, shows what an inflammatory state he has brought his system into. We now find that he hurt his foot also on a different occasion; and that this second injury too was long in healing. The occasion on which he hurt his foot was different, indeed, but it is tolerably clear that the occasion of the hurt was precisely the same. These views of CLICQUOT's condition are confirmed by the previous statement of our authority, that he is, if well enough, after laying the first stone of the new Cologne bridge, going to inaugurate the Apollinaris Church. Now this is a Roman Catholic place of worship, and CLICQUOT is a Protestant; at least if he knows his own mind on the subject of theology-for just one thing. In what state, then, could he have been when he engaged himself to perform a ceremony so improper for a Lutheran king? "The Pope he leads a happy life," says the song; so does CLICQUOT, if such an existence can be called happiness and perhaps, at the time alluded to, he had become so very happy that, like the minstrel in the ballad, he "fancied that he was the Pope."

Aali. And would your dirty papers show that I am no cow, lying of an uncomfortable jackass? Lord John (calmly). Why are you producing those documents? It does not appear to me that his Excellency comprehends the reason more than I do.

Interpreter (recovering himself and evading the subject). Allah kerim! Heaven is merciful. My Lord, his Excellency hopes you have good health in your own country, and that all who are dear to you have the the same, especially your brother the vigorous ABERDEEN, and your brother the violent PALMERSTON.

Lord John. O, they're well enough. But I want an answer. his Excellency undertake that Turkey shall be reformed, and write this home to England?

Interpreter (translates faithfully for once).

Will may I

Aali. Tell him that if he were not a King's Messenger, the slipper of chastisement should fall upon the ultimatum of impertinence for such a proposal.

Interpreter. His Excellency protests against the Porte being called upon to renounce in any way her independence.

Lord John. Well, he has a right to take that view. I wished to ascertain his sentiments, and I am glad to have done so in a pleasant and friendly manner. I shall now bid him good bye. Assure him of my respect for his intelligence and his straightforward candour.

Interpreter. He humbly admits, Excellency, that he was wrong, kisses your slipper, and implores you to sponge out: his error from the ivory tablets of your memory.

Aali. Let him go. His face is whitened again, and shines before me like a barber's basin.

Interpreter. His Excellency says that this is the proudest day of his whole life, and wishes you may reign a thousand years.

Lord John. Curious coincidence. DR. CUMMING expresses similar wishes. I must mention that at home. I have the honour to wish his Excellency a very good morning.

Interpreter (whispers). Say Allah ismarladuk.

Lord John. No, no, that's not right. Allah billah. Wollah billah! Bakalloom! Bosh!

Aali. Hath he drunk wine? But we must not forget our manners, if he does. Allah manet ola.

Lord John. Litera scripta manet, also.

We should be sorry for anything worse than deposition to happen to CLICQUOT, and we had rather amendment should happen to him than that. Instead of shaking with his so called ague, we should like to see him shake off his bad habits and bad connexions: so as to renovate his constitution, recover his health and character, and become ouce more a credit to his friends and the European family.

RELIGIO ROMANA PUSEYITICA.-This Religion would be all the [Exit. better if there was more Light and fewer Candlesticks in it!

Cook. "WELL, MA'AM, AFTER I'M DONE WORK I AM VERY FOND OF SINGING AND PLAYING ON THE ACCORDIUM, AND MISSUS HADN'T USED TO LIKE IT AND SO I GIVE NOTICE!"