HOW TO DO BUSINESS. APPENDIX TO THE SCHEDULE OF A BANKRUPT FIRM. S Mr. Punch has been requested to publish the Counting House, Wednesday. of a certain inquiry in "MY DEAR MR. BROWN,-I did not expect any immediate answer to act the business of the Letter from JONES to J. RUSSELL JONES." Letter from BROWN to JONES. "The Villa, Thursday. MY DEAR MR. JONES.-I have shown your letter to ROBINSON, "MY DEAR MR. and also to KIDNEY SHERBET. They, of course, wish me to do what BROWN. I said the is best, but on full consideration I entertain great doubts whether your other day that I would proposal would be advantageous. speak to you upon the "I think with you that a clerk ought not, as a rule, to address the subject of the personal customers. But looking at the present state of things as temporary, I arrangements connected do not see why a new office should not be created, the holder to be with the Shop; I believe, called Shop Supervisor. While this is being arranged, I really do not however, I can put the see why SHERBET might not continue to hand in the bills, and I should matter more clearly in think that he would do so with the acceptance of the customers, with writing. whom, I believe, he is deservedly popular, and likely to find favour. "It is perfectly clear to me that ROBINSON is incapable of that active and efficient superintendence of the young men, which is essential to the working of each department. They do not respect him as they would respect a more vigorous character; and his orders, if not actually disobeyed, are very carelessly carried out. They have nicknamed him "PELHAM,' after the dandy hero of some work of fiction, and also "LINCOLN GREEN,' from his verdant and naive address. I am obleeged to say that, though a most respectable man, our partner is a muff. His own private clerk, KIDNEY SHERBET, has, in the fairest and handsomest manner, said nearly the same thing. "I have also told you that I do not think that the bills, made out in the Shop, should be presented to the customers by a mere clerk, and SHERBET'S rank does not entitle him to address the distinguished patrons who visit our Emporium. We are in the midst of a great war, and trade is very bad. It is therefore of the utmost importance that every consideration and delicacy should be shown to those who come to spend money with us. The Heads of the firm must be constantly urging, hastening, and completing the handing down articles, the measuring off lengths, and the making up of parcels, or else the junior partner must be strong enough to control the various departments.. We have examples of both. Just before QUEEN ANNE died, JOBLIKENS, the head of the great mercery house in St. Paul's Churchyard, served MARLBOROUGH, with his own hand, with eight-penn'orth of red ribbon for a sword knot; while in CHATHAM's time, twenty yards of flannel, for that nobleman's gouty leg, were sent home to him by LOBSCOUSE, a junior partner in the house on Ludgate Hill, within twenty-five minutes of young WILLIAM PITT Coming in and ordering it. "It therefore seems to me that if the considerations here presented lead to the conclusions I would deduce, they point to the necessity of having, as manager of the Shop, a man who, from experience of millinery details, from inherent vigour of mind, and from weight with the young men, can be expected to guide the operations of trade with authority and success. "There is only one person belonging to the Establishment who combines these advantages. "My conclusion is that, before opening on Whit Monday MR. STONEYPALM should be intrusted with the control of the Shop. With respect to other arrangements, I can feel no doubt that your influence with ROBINSON and SHERBET would induce them to acquiesce in such a distribution of offices as you might think most advantageous for the good of the business. I remain, my dear BROWN, yours truly, "Adeliza Lodge, Tuesday." "J. RUSSELL JONES." Letter from BROWN to JONES. "MY DEAR MR. JONES,-The letter which I received from you yesterday, just before dinner, spoiled my appetite, and contained a proposal VOL. XXVIII. "Your proposal would render the removal of ROBINSON from his present place unavoidable. This, all the young men would regard as a slur upon him, and I do not think that we ought to hurt his feelings. "Now, with respect to STONEYPALM, I do not know whether he is aware of the burden you would place upon him, but, if not, I should greatly doubt his inclination to undertake it. STONEYPALM, within a few months, is as old as I am; and, without disparaging his inherent vigour of mind, he possesses no immunity from the effects of age. You will not attribute my making this remark to any invidious recollection of a phrase about 'antiquated imbecility once attributed to STONEYPALM, but solely to my sense of what is right and proper. "I do not know that we gain much by a reference to the times of QUEEN ANNE and LORD CHATHAM. QUEEN ANNE is dead, and CHATHAM is chiefly known to us by his Docks, and by Chatham Place. But, after all, instead of referring to these old times, perhaps it is more to the purpose to remember ALDERMAN WAITHMAN, who managed his shop by means of shopmen and subordinates so well, that an Obelisk is erected to him at the top of Bridge Street. While WAITHMAN was thus nobly occupied, your friend STONEYPALM, though only a clerk, was making out bills in a house in Westminster. "Ever, my dear JONES, sincerely yours, "GABERDINE BROWN." Letter from JONES to BROWN. "Adeliza Villa, Friday. "MY DEAR MR. BROWN.-AS STONYPALM's answer is delayed, I will take the opportunity of answering your letter. "You seem to me to agree in much that I say, and I should not mind meeting you half way, if I knew bow. But with reference to ROBINSON's feelings, I really cannot consider them. I had understood that our establishment was carried on upon the principle of doing what was best for the concern, without regard to the self-love, or even the acquired position, of individuals. ROBINSON would, I think, be the last man to wish for an exception to this rule in his favour. "Your next objection is to STONEYPALM's age, but when I see the vigour of his mind and body, I cannot attach much weight to this argument. He may be as old as you, by the almanack, but I should just like to see you jumping up, and joking, and bawling when needful, as STONEY can do at the shortest notice. 66 Setting aside all historical references, which perhaps have not very much to do with the demands of the day and of the Shop, and mine, I think it is clear, either that the Heads of the firm must be themselves the active and moving spirit of the whole machine, or the Shop Superintendent must have delegated authority to control other departments. Neither is the case now. I will give you an instance but too pregnant with warning. On Tuesday se'nnight MRS. SAMUEL ISAACS, of the Minories, sent a note desiring some patterns of rich satins to be A A brought to ner house, by four o'clock on Friday. I told ROBINSON to cable, and fail to establish the fact. The ISAACS case was awkward; see to it. He informed me, in answer, that he had wished' to do this, but it is difficult to say how accidents can be helped, and when and that he had also, wished, to send her some patterns in moire antique. you allude to the 'Head of a firm,' allow me to say that, before But the young men took his orders listlessly, passed them from one to the Head of a firm can remove obstacles, he must be made aware another, made excuses, and at last the patterns did not get to the of them. As regards the cheque, I know that you are always for Minories till sunset, when, MRS. ISAACS being of the Hebrew persua- cutting about in cabs, and that you 'like flies,' but he preferred to sion, her Sabbath had come, and she refused to take them in. Now, wait: and, as to the Assurance, the result is the best proof of his why was ROBINSON not able to carry his wishes' into effect? Because foresight. Has the house been burned down? he could not remove the obstacles put in his way by other departments, and because the Head of the firm (no offence, MR. B.), did not at once overcome these obstacles, and so we lost a splendid order. "I could give you many other instances of his inefficiency. There was a cheque dropped in the street by one of the porters. Instead of dashing off in a Hansom to the Bankers and stopping it, ROBINSON writes by post 'requesting that it may not be paid,' and is told, of course, that the lucky finder had cashed it hours before. Our fire Assurance money was overdue for nearly a fortnight, because ROBINSON thought it did not much matter, there were so few fires in summertime. And for several nights in succession, goods were left upon the counter because the young men paid no heed to 'PELHAM's' request that they might be put away. "What you want, therefore, I must repeat, is a Manager of vigour and authority. As the welfare of the establishment and the success of our present business are concerned, I have no scruple in saying so. "I am, my dear MR. BROWN, yours, very truly, "J. RUSSELL JONES." "I think your letter plainly reduces the question to the issue of a personal preference. I cannot consent to act unfairly to ROBINSON. Neither he and SHERBET, together, can do the work which the exigency of the times demands; nor can STONEYPALM do it single-handed. I therefore think that we ought not to annoy a partner by making any change. "I am, my dear JONES, very truly yours, GABERDINE BROWN." Letter from JONES to BROWN. "Adeliza Lodge, Tuesday. "MY DEAR BROWN,-I have not seen STONEYPALM, nor heard from him, but I have no hesitation in saying that I adhere to my original opinion that ROBINSON and SHERBET ought to be turned out of the Shop. And this I shall formally propose to the firm, and insist upon its being done. "I remain, yours truly, "J. RUSSELL JONES." [Here the correspondence ends. MR. JONES, finding that his senior partner was obstinate, took the advice of "some old and valued friends," and neither insisted upon nor even proposed the change which he deemed so essential to the general interest. Things went on in the way he describes, and ultimately there came a crash, BROWN and ROBINSON retired to the country, and JONES bolted to Germany, STONEYPALM taking to the business, and several of the old hands.] AN EXPRESS TRAIN. THE Train of LADY FIDDLE-FADDLE's Court Dress started with her Ladyship inside from the station at St. James's Palace, at ten minutes to Three, and reached its destination in less than three hours and forty minutes. This trip has been cited everywhere as a marvel of extraordinary rapidity, and we are informed that it would have been even quicker, if there had not been so many trains starting at the same time. The most conspicuous of these was the well-known "Train of Confusion," arising from the fact of a thousand persons being crammed into a confined space scarcely capable of accommodating a hundred. The result was that this Train kept getting in the way of all the others, upsetting nearly everybody, until at last it completely blocked up the line. At one period, serious fears were entertained that her Ladyship would have to put back, for at one of the sharpest turnings her Train became entangled between two old buffers, supposed to belong to a parliamentary train, who ran against it with all their weight, and nearly tore it to pieces. However, by means of the most strenuous exertions, the buffers were removed, when it being discovered that her Ladyship's carriage was not much the worse for the violence of the shock, her Train was again put in motion, and proceeded along the remainder of the narrow passage with comparative ease and safety, accomplishing the journey in the above incredible space of time. We are happy to state that LADY FIDDLE-FADDLE reached home full five minutes before dinner was ready, and alighted from her Train amid the congratulations of her friends. From inquiries since made at her Ladyship's mansion, we learn that about half-a-dozen yards of satin and as many of gold fringe will cover the extent of the damage. KING CLICQUOT'S ADVICE TO FRANCIS JOSEPH. DRINK with me, Austria, if you are wise, For war's less sweet than wine; And when a king is in his cups No treaties he need sign; Then drink with me, Austria, if you are wise, Fish with Musical Scales. IN the midst of other interesting matter, in the "Commercial Intelligence," we read that "60 drums of Codfish had arrived from Newfoundland." We were delighted with the discovery that Cods were so musically inclined as to throw themselves, body and bones, into the depths of such a melodious instrument; and further, we were charmed with the happy reflection that it was owing probably to this very Drum that we were indebted for the delightful Sound of the Cod. THE GREY GOOSE. AFTER the speech which a noble Lord delivered the other day on behalf of Russia, people will describe a ninny as a man who can't say "Bo!" to EARL GREY. REFLECTION OF A GENTLEMAN IN THE "PEN" AT ST. JAMES'S PALACE-I wish I were in the place of my own footman, outside my carriage, with a bunch of flowers under my nose. THE GO-AHEAD SAINTS. EXETER HALL has long been celebrated as a sort of universal meeting-house; a conventicle in common for Protestants of all denominations. Its walls have often shaken with denunciations of Popery, on account of the superadditions which Popery has made to primitive truth. The other evening those walls vibrated to the eloquence of what would seem to be a new sect, bearing a very considerable resemblance to Popery in that very particular for which Popery has so frequently been objected to in Exeter Hall. The creed of. these sectaries is an American import. It is not, however, Mormonism, though advo cated on the same ground as that on which the LatterDay Saints defend the religion of JOE SMITH. The chief argument advanced in its behalf is, that it has worked well in America. So, we are told, has polygamy. As yet, this novel faith is in its infancy, although some of its disciples appear to be in their dotage. So young is it, that it has not hitherto received a name. We have proposed one for its adherents. "The Go-ahead Saints," like the Saints just mentioned, resemble the Mahometans; not however in what they allow, but in what they deny. Going ahead of all churches (except the Turkish) they have formed themselves into a United Kingdom Alliance," not merely for the propagation, but absolutely for the imposition of their doctrine. They hold that the sale of alcoholic liquors is unlawful morally, and ought therefore to be prohibited by statute law. This tenet they found of course on a prior axiom, which condemns the use of such liquors. The common religion of the Bishops and Clergy, Roman Catholic and Protestant, and of the Nonconformists also, only condemns their abuse. These Preterchristians-as we may also designate them-denounce as evil the sale of that fluid, which, at a certain nuptial festival, was supplied by a DONOR, all of whose gifts are considered by mere Christians to be good. At the Exeter Hall Meeting of these religionists the object of their "Alliance" was stated by SIR W. C. TREVELYAN, who occupied the chair, to be the "total and immediate legislative suppression of the traffic in all intoxicating beverages," that is of all drinks that will cause drunkenness, if taken in excess. They want, therefore, to enforce their system of Preterchristianity by penalties, that is by persecution; and here again our friends the Preterchristians resemble our friends the Papists. The Preterchristians, or Go-Ahead Saints, must not be confounded with the Teetotallers. They themselves deny the identity of those people with themselves. We find SIR R. W. CARDEN stating that "The Alliance reverenced the Teetotallers, and he believed them to be a good and a great ally to the cause; but the Alliance and Teetotallers were two separate bodies." Yes. There is a very important difference between them. The Teetotaller Proper, the Teetotaller Pure and Simple-is a person who, not being able to partake of the cordial glass in moderation, does the next best thing by abstaining from it. Such a teetotaller did SAMUEL JOHNSON become, and who does not reverence the teetotallers" that are such as SAMUEL JOHNSON? SIR R. W. CARDEN'S co-religionists appear not so much to be practitioners of abstinence themselves as individuals who desire to enforce its practice on others. The EARL OF HARRINGTON stated that their object is only to prevent the sale of alcoholic liquors. They are quite right in repudiating the name of Teetotallers; to describe themselves accurately they should assume that of Teefactotallers. They appear to affect less the selfdenial of indulgence than the denial of indulgence to their neighbours. We cannot part with SIR W. CARDEN without quoting a specimen of his logic, which is aldermanic in the extreme : "MR. FORSTER appeared before them as an interested individual, and when that gentleman talked of interference with the liberty of the subject, he (SIR W. CARDEN) would ask, did the Legislature interfere with the liberty of the subject when they passed an act for the suppression of betting-houses?" As if gambling in any degree were not wrong, and drinking beer in moderation were not right. The MR. FORSTER alluded to was a publican; he and the rest of his trade had better look out, or the Preterchristian Teefactotallers will, some of these fine evenings, get a Maine Law Liquor Bill, for depriving the poor man of his beer, slipped through Parliament just as the Sabbatarian Act was last Session. The serious merrymen-the grave jokers of the present House of Commons, are just the gentlemen to pass any bill imposing a restraint on personal liberty-for fun. A Natural Delusion. IT is said that a noble Earl has ordered the removal of every mirror from his town and country mansions. He has declared to his physician that he cannot glance in a looking-glass without beholding the ugliest of Russians. His case has excited great sympathy in the peace circle. MESSRS. BRIGHT, COBDEN, GIBSON, and GLADSTONE-especially GLADSTONE-leave their cards daily. THE LOSS OF KERTCH. To GLADSTONE. THE Russians a reverse have had, So now, according to the Church We drove them to destroy their corn, One hundred of their merchantmen Five of their vessels full of grain We've taken; then what hinders And thou lament in cinders? One only cause I comprehend That thee can keep from fasting, Soon, I expect, thy gift of gab, ATTACHMENT TO PLACE IN SPEAKING of the Government buildings in Downing Street, the Times quotes a Report from the Board of Works in the terms ensuing : "That the walls having been cut through to form comsettlements,' the effect of which has only been counteracted munications, are weakened; and that there are considerable by the use of iron ties, suspension rods and shoring. They further state that the principal apartments of the Foreign Office are unsafe, and have to be supported by shores when ever used for large parties; that a subsidence has taken place in the foundation of that part of the building where the Cabinet Councils are held, and other circumstances equally ominous with regard to the residence of the FIRST LORD OF THE TREASURY and CHANCELLOR OF THE EXCHEQUER." Considering how many members of recent Cabinets have changed their opinions in the course of their lives, we wonder that we have not seen more rats running away from the falling houses in Downing Street. A Genuine Diplomatist. WE can no longer give credit to our American brethren for attaching no importance to names, for they have selected as one of their ambasbecause his name represents the exact idea of sadors an individual who has been clearly chosen "What's in a name?" without being liable to diplomacy. America can never echo the inquiry be reminded that she sent to Spain as a diplo matist no other than GENERAL DODGE. THE GANYMEDE OF POTSDAM. LORD PALMERSTON may be justly denominated the Judicious Bottle holder, but the title of the Injudicious Bottle-holder is equally applicable to the KING OF PRUSSIA'S butler. GLUT OF SUBURBAN NEWSPAPERS. HITHERTO the suburban press has been limited to a few fitful efforts to give Lambeth a Gazette and Kensington a weekly newspaper, whose leading articles have occasionally consisted of a desperate attempt to give an impetus to local commerce by puffing the cheap wares of some resident tradesman. Now that newspapers are to be published without a stamp, every little outskirt is rushing headlong into newspaper notoriety. We shall no doubt have the Chelsea Times gushing over with antiquarian reminiscences of the Chelsea Bun, and the Islington Herald attempting to get up an interest in St. Chad's Well, and turn Gray's Inn Lane into a fashionable Watering Place. The Bayswater Advertiser will probably spring into existence with its foreign correspondent at Shepherd's Bush; its musical critic for the Concerts at the Red Lion; its own reporter at Notting Hill; and all the other appendages of a regular newspaper. Already has Clapham plunged into the literary stream, and gone head over heels into a not very profound affair, called the Clapham Mercury. The preliminary number of this new journal has reached our hands, and we find it is not so selfish as to serve the interests of Clapham alone, but it is also to be the organ of "Wandsworth, Battersea, Streatham, Tooting, and Putney." By the way, we would ask what has our poor little pet, Mitcham, been about to have deserved this pointed exclusion of her name from the great South Suburban Commonwealth. Why should Wandsworth and her flats, Battersea and her bulrushes, Streatham and her dusty ravines, Tooting and her sharp turnings, or Putney and her eel pies be dignified by a representative in the public press, while Mitcham and her monotony are left without an organ? AFTER PAYING HER RESPECTS AT ST. JAMES'S. pose of the Mercury is to encourage "the manly sport of hunting (within bounds)," though the sport will lose much of its interest if it is to be confined within such "bounds" as the limits of Clapbam would render requisite. Hunting within bounds is something like fishing within water-butts; or racing within box-bordered gravel walks and flower beds. We do not wish to be severe upon our infantine contemporary, the Clapham Mercury, which is at present scarcely out of the egg-shell, aud is the merest chicken of the press; but we shall be happy to hail the strange bird when it comes out into full feather. THE CRUSH ROOMS AT ST. JAMES'S. and another scene of crowding and crushing into the presence of Royalty ANOTHER Drawing-room is about to take place at St. James's Palace, will of course have to be enacted. We really wonder that the peers and peeresses manage to appear decently before the QUEEN; for if it happens to be a collar day, the collars must be fearfully rumpled, and many a lady must find herself decked in more ribbons than she bargained for by having her dress torn into the article in question. It is matter for some surprise that the affair does not assume all the incidents of a theatrical squeeze, and that cat-calls, whistles, and other signals, are not introduced by the parties to enable them to keep up a communication with each other in the QUEEN's corridors, as they do on the Victoria staircase in the New Cut. It could not excite much surprise if an aristocratic family, whose members might be separated in the crush at a Drawing-room, were to adopt the method of crying out to each other by their Christian names; and if shouts of "Holloa! SARAH!" or among the male branches, Come on, JACK!" the more familiar shouts of "Ho! BILL!" or were to be heard in the Royal ante-chambers. We feel satisfied that after the notice that has been called to this The Clapham Mercury promises much by its prospectus, and takes for its motto "Knowledge is Power!" though it is difficult to say what "knowledge" can be picked up exclusively at Clapham, or what power" can be brought to bear on one of the purest beadledoms that ever flourished. The Clapham Mercury is pledged, by its prospectus, to a large variety of purposes, for it will "promote progress," by which is signified, no doubt, the quickening of the 'busses on the Clapham Road, and will "cultivate the chivalrous sentiments of olden times," by getting up probably an order of the Knights of Balham A PRUSSIAN SAMPLER.-The KING OF PRUSSIA is learning Berlin Hill, to call forth all the dormant chivalry of Clapham. Another pur- wool work. At present, he has got no further than dropping "four points." subject, some arrangements will be made for removing the Drawing- over |