1

THE HAPPIEST DAY OF HIS LIFE.

The Crimean Medal received from the Queen, and pinned to his breast by "the girl he left behind him." May 18th, 1855.

PUNCH'S ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. THE Legislature devoted itself last week to the amusement of the public, and was remarkably successful. It was the Epsom week, and it led up to the Whitsun holidays. and the Senate showed that it could sympathise with the festive feelings of the nation. Nothing serious occurred in either House to mar the general mirth.

May 21, Monday. Even MALMESBURY was almost funny. It seems that a great many trees in the New Forest have been maliciously burned. This has been done, out of revenge, by the resident thieves who used to plunder the forest, until MR. KENNEDY (whom MR. GLADSTONE expelled) put a stop to the practice. LORD MALMESBURY suggested a new and curious plan for preventing this incendiarism. It was that the QUEEN'S hounds should hunt the New Forest. Poor stupid MALMY had been spelling over some book on the furniture of Windsor Castle, and found that the QUEEN had some remarkably fine Fire-dogs in the hall, and these the poor man took to be HER MAJESTY'S Hounds, and just what were wanted to put out the fires. A little knowledge (especially such a very little as MALMESBURY'S) is a dangerous thing.

THE ORDER OF THE HOT AIR BATH.
To the LORD CHAMBERLAIN.

WHAT noble lord or lady, being heir,

Or heiress, both of property and brains,
Would barter for St. James's heated air
The vernal breezes of their own domains?

Aristocratic noses are allowed

The finest in this world of ours to be.
Can they prefer a close, though courtly, crowd,
To clover-bloom, and Zephyr breathing free?

The fair VERBENA, beautifully drest,

Some hours was hustled in a crowd like that At the last Drawing Room, and so compressed, She passed before her SOVEREIGN nearly flat.

Her dress, of satin, silk, and moire antique,

And tulle, was rumpled, crumpled, rent, and torn. And she looked quite a figure, so to speak,

Of feathers, wreaths, festoons, and flounces shorn.

Through a long passage, striving, steaming, soaked,
To fight by tedious inches it was hers,
Now by ill-managed rapiers being poked,

Now being scratched by clumsily worn spurs.

She blessed Court trains, of splendid matrons well
Devised excessive ankles to conceal;

Of those "potatoes" which refuse to tell
Dug out of silken hose by rowelled heel.

POLONIUS! thou that, with thy white and long
Stick, dost o'er courtly sacred rites preside,
Canst thou do nought to thin this reeking throng,
Wherein BRITANNIA'S noblest fat is fried?

Go, now to FARADAY; bid him declare

If limewater will be made chalky less,

By the carbonic acid in the air,

Exhaled by Beauty and High-Mightiness.

And in a narrow space if, cheek by jowl,

You pen folks up, the same result there comes Not equally in hot Calcutta's hole,

St. James's Palace, or St. Giles's slums!

had spoken on the subject. As the Hee-haws can't yelp down the Times, the Unclean Boy was obliged to reply; so he confessed that he had made a "mis-statement," but appealed to the House whether it was likely that a man who had been thirty-seven years before the public would tell a wilful falsehood. Without troubling SIR JAMES with a reply on this point, Mr. Punch would be glad to know, first, whether the Dirty Boy thinks that a charge of wilfully breaking a man's heart ought to be made without previous enquiry into the facts; and, secondly, whether, had MR. LAYARD (who has been so yelped at for alleged and unproved inaccuracy) made such a false charge in his place in Parliament, the yowling of the Hee-haws would not have been heard up to Pall Mall?

Then the standing and standard joke-the War-was worked up into a little farce, very neatly played. MILNER GIBSON pretended to be about to bring on a peace-motion, but, PALMERSTON gravely assuring him that the Vienna Negociations were not all exhausted, and some other amusing things having been said, he withdrew it, amid the laughter of the House. The only man who did not seem to like the joke was MALINS. Chancery practice does dull most wits. MR. MALINS'S terming the whole affair" a mock proceeding," was downright rude and uncalled for. If the farce had a fault, it was its length-it played from eight to eleven.

Tuesday. Some of the Commons sat in the morning, and just enough business was done with the Metropolis Management Bill to give them a zest for the sports of the evening, when MR. DISRAELI came out well. He insisted upon LORD PALMERSTON's telling the House all about the Vienna Negociations, and threatened, if he refused, to bring in a motion involving a vote of censure upon Government. PAM said he didn't care, he would fight the motion, but he would tell nothing. So they arranged a grand sham-battle for Thursday.

There was great fun in the Commons. On the previous Friday, and also in presence of the Sebastopol Committee, SIR JAMES GRAHAM, better known as PEEL's Dirty Boy, had been making a desperate effort to damage MR. LAYARD. One CAPTAIN CHRISTIE, who mismanaged at Balaklava, had been called to account for his short-comings, but had died before the investigation, and MR. LAYARD had occasion to remark upon CAPTAIN CHRISTIE'S conduct. The Dirty Boy got up some sham pathos, before the Committee, talked of "poor CHRISTIE's broken heart," and "looked hard at MR. LAYARD," to imply that he was the breaker. And in the House on Friday, the Unclean Boy actually The prospect of this delighted the House so much, that, like little made that charge in the most distinct way; and, amid the applause of boys when some new excitement is promised them, they began dancing the Hee-haw Officers and their friends, asserted that no steps were taken about and punching their best friends and one another, all out of ecstacy to call poor CHRISTIE to account until MR. LAYARD had brought up at the approaching lark. PALMERSTON could not keep them in order the subject. The latter examines dates, and inserts in the Times a a bit. WISE, for fun, brought on a motion that our Diplomatic Establishletter, in which he proves that SIR JAMES GRAHAM had dismissed ments ought to be revised, but he had no intention of carrying it, and as CHRISTIE, and ordered a court-martial upon him, before MR. LAYARD soon as PAM had rebuked him, he tried to snatch it away; but the

bounding spirits of the other lads were too much for him-they would not give it up, hustled, hoorayed, and beat the proposer by carrying his motion against his will-and by a majority of 2 to 1, which shows the state they must have been in. However, they grew ashamed of themselves, and tried to make amends to their master, by rejecting BERKELEY'S Ballot motion by 218 to 166.

The Ballot was advocated and resisted only on the old hackneyed grounds, with one exception. LORD SEYMOUR, its enemy, objected to it for a reason which is worth notice. He said, that the persons who chiefly demanded the protection of secret voting were the £10 householders, usually tradesmen. Now, argued his lordship, these people deserve no protection; for they are unprincipled creatures. It is these very persous who want to vote in secret, who now, in secret (according to the Radical Lancet), adulterate bread, water milk, dust pepper, poison beer, paint sweetmeats, copper-stain pickles, chicorate coffee, and generally deteriorate, tamper with, and cheat in selling, almost every article of daily household use. First, therefore, they are dishonest persons who deserve no favour; and, secondly, those who do this kind of thing in secret are not likely to act more honourably with a secret franchise. Mr. Punch thinks that this difficulty might be met by every voter, as he came to the hustings, handing in a sample of his goods for examination; and if the legislature would order all such samples to be of sufficient value, Mr. Punch is willing to take the (salaried) office of Revising Analyzer to the Metropolitan District.

A very impertinent person, who, having read in the debates that LORD PALMERSTON had said that it was impossible to afford a day for the discussion of National Education, had the audacity to hint that our senators might have given up their horse-race, and devoted the day to the welfare of the children of the country. But Mr. Punch is happy to say that he was immediately given into custody.

Thursday. In the Lords, it was explained that MR. PHINN, a clever barrister, had been appointed Second Secretary to the Admiralty, in order that there might be an educated man there to correct the insulting and ungrammatical letters which, according to LORD ELLENBOROUGH, that department is in the habit of writing to naval officers. The Newspaper Stamp Bill was read a second time, LORD MONTEAGLE making some dreary observations against it, which rather expedited its progress with the bored Lords.

The great fun of the week began in the Commons, and lasted two nights. Mr. Punch will compress his report into a considerably smaller number of lines than the number of the columns his contemporaries have devoted to the farce. The Tories, knowing that the people are disgusted with the Vienna humbug, wish to avail themselves of that feeling, in order to damage the Government. MR. DISRAELI, as almost the only man of real brains on the Opposition side, was therefore employed to bring on a motion, involving a vote of censure. The Commons were in a dilemma. They knew the popular feeling, and knew that the Negociations were humbug. But they knew something more, namely, Wednesday. Parliament met at Epsom. The EARL OF DERBY had that a vote in which the truth should be conveyed, would result in a given notice of his intention, that a Rider to a favourite hobby of his all sorts of reasons for resisting the motion. This ingenious exercise change of Ministry, and a Dissolution of Parliament. So they had to find own should be carried a certain stage; and one of the Judges had been occupied them Thursday and Friday night. At two o'clock, on the summoned in order to give his opinion on the merits; but, the evening latter night, Mr. Punch, compassionating their condition, rose, and amid before, LORD DERBY renounced his idea, and it was said that the num-loud cheering, moved the following amendment to all the resolutions bers, if taken, would have been 40 to 1. Some other business was, that had been proposed :however, transacted, chiefly matters of course; several bills were passed-to discounters: and some Cockney horsemen took their seats, and soon afterwards the oaths in every form least binding-some of them with their hats off. LORD ANGLESEY, LORD ZETLAND, LORD DERBY, the DUKE OF BEDFORD, LORD EGLINTON, LORD POWLETT, LORD GLASGOW, and other Noblemen, took part in the proceedings; and the Episcopal Bench was represented by the BISHOP OF BOND-STREET. A question of form arose, about 2 o'clock, from somebody wishing to stand upon a form without paying; but the previous question having been moved, how much he would stand, and satisfactorily answered, the subject dropped, as, later, did the whole row of people on the form. Some persons standing on a table, yet falsely stating that " they were off," were ordered not to lie upon the table.

OUR WAR MINISTER ON ACTIVE SERVICE.

FTER the distribution of the medals the
other day by the QUEEN in the Park,
HER MAJESTY, it is well known,
caused a good dinner to be given to
the men in the Riding-school at
Buckingham Palace. By this happy
arrangement the gallant fellows
obtained not only the honour that
was their due, but the solid beef and
pudding with which praise is not
always accompanied.

THAT as a Dissolution of Parliament would, in the present temper of the British Public, indubitably send from one-third to one half of us to the right-about, it is most inexpedient and unconstitutional to run any such risk."

This proposition, which cut the Gordian knot, was received with tremendous cheering, and a division was carried by 319 to 219, majority against a Dissolution, 100.

It is hardly worth while recording that in the Lords on Friday night, LORD GREY brought forward his proposal, that we should eat humblepie to Russia. He was snubbed so frightfully, and had to withdraw his motion so humiliatingly, that he shall be let off more easily than he deserves by the merciful Mr. Punch.

A RUSSIAN COUNT "DISCOUNTED."

COUNT THOSS, said to be nephew to the Russian RUDIGER, was tried before MR. SERJEANT ADAMS for an excessive admiration of the fine arts. The Count bad obtained a picture of the value of sixty guineas, with intent to defraud. The Count had been in trouble before, and was therefore sentenced to penal servitude for four years. In the course of the case, one of the counsel said-" Well, we all know what these Counts are." Whereupon MR. SERJEANT ADAMS, without waiting to consider a minute; not even half a minute, rejoined-"Oh, yes; discounts." So it is:

"For gentle ADAMS ever loves a joke."

With respect to the Russian Count, it is said that his Muscovite Now, if the Count were left in his prison, even as the Austrian and origin has touched the sympathies of a very distinguished state man. Prussian negociations for peace are left-with the door open, it would only be another compliment to the CZAR.

Return of Spring in the Frame.

It is not generally known that We understand, however, that-on the representation of LORD LORD PANMURE was what he is PALMERSTON-the learned Serjeant has received a first warning seldom known to be-"very active against the jocular vein from the Home Office. on the occasion." The activity of the Noble Lord was not, however, exhibited to the public gaze; for the scene of his energetic operations was "in the Riding-school," and the time of his activity was "half-an-hour before the dinner." The War Minister was in fact most anxious to see that everything was prepared; and he no doubt reviewed the whole of the plates, inspected the knives and forks, formed the bits of bread into squares, mustered all the salts, and reconnoitred all the mustard. It was, on the whole, a regular field-day for the Minister of War; who saw the mugs for the stout drawn up in double columns, and gave directions to the carver-in-chief with the temporary rank of General of Division. One of his commands was no doubt that the potatoes should take close order, and should all appear in their jackets. On the whole, the day was a very successful one: and we think it only fair to LORD PANMURE to let the world know the important part he took in the very interesting operations. It will henceforth be impossible for the most persevering calumniators of LORD PANMURE to say that he has "never been on active service;" for those who saw how active he was with the dinner service on the memorable occasion to which we refer, will be able to vindicate his lordship against the attacks of his enemies.

GRISI and TAMBURINI at the Opera once more! Our chest expands, our waist contracts, we feel four stone lighter, our hair has turned quite brown again, and so have our whiskers; the crows' feet at the corners of our eyes have disappeared: we seem as if we could hand over a railing, and stoop with ease. We feel at least fifteen years younger, and we must immediately get our tailor to remodel our costume, and must adopt a smaller and a thinner kind of boots.

THE RUSSIAN BEAR IN GERMANY.

LORD JOHN RUSSELL said that the officers of German forces were mostly in the pay of Russia. It is not a very ennobling employment for a man to feed a bear, but perfect dignity to the condition when the bear feeds the man.

THE LORD CHAMBERLAIN'S SALE.

Command.-THE LORD CHAMBER-
LAIN has the honour to announce that
he will this day SELL BY AUCTION, at
his Rooмs. St. James's Palace, at
4 P.M. precisely, a large and valuable
Collection of DROPPED and TORN OFF
ARTICLES, principally of Ladies' Cos-
left behind in the PASSAGE and
TUME
the PEN" at the last DRAWING
ROOM, in consequence of the CROWD
and the SCUFFLE, and unclaimed by
the Owners. His LORDSHIP invites
the attention of the female aspirants
to FASHION among the MIDDLING
CLASSES to a splendid Lor of PLUMES
OF OSTRICH FEATHERS, highly superb,
though in a slightly crumpled state,
from which, as is well known, they can
be restored to their pristine SPLEN-
DOUR by the agency of the STEAM
issuing from the SPOUT of a COMMON
KETTLE. A few SELECT SPECIMENS
of JEWELRY, consisting of DIAMOND
BUCKLES, BRACELETS, &c., will also
be submitted to PUBLIC COMPETITION;
and the L. C. feels himself warranted
in expressing the opinion that the ma-
jority of these articles have been pro-

bably lost by DISTINGUISHED and ILLUSTRIOUS UNKNOWN FOREIGNERS; whose ignorance of the CUSTOMS of the BRITISH COURT has extinguished in their minds the idea of recovering the VALUABLES in question. The Catalogue will comprise a MISCELLANEOUS but SUPERB LOT OF CHAPLETS, WREATHS, ARTIFICIAL FLOWERS, RIBANDS, LACE, TRIMMINGS, and FRENCH CAMBRIC HANDKERCHIEFS; numerous WHITE KID GLOVES of Superior Make, and a variety of the most elegant WHITE SATIN SHOES, at an immensely low figure in consequence of being ODD PAIRS. Any LADY moving in an exclusively Civic Circle will find this an eligible opportunity of putting her foot into what may, with a high degree of probability, be conjectured to have been the SLIPPER of a DUCHESS.

N.B. A Tortoise-Shell SNUFF Box, and two Papier Maché ditto, for which no claimants have turned up; one VINAIGRETTE, and three blue SILVER-MOUNTED Bottles of PRESTON SALTS. TO BE SOLD without RESERVE. May be VIEWED, and CATALOGUES obtained at the Office of the LORD CHAMBERLAIN.

POLITICAL ILLUMINATIONS.

(From our Special Penny-a-liner.)

AMONG the Illuminations on the evening of HER MAJESTY's birthday, there were several of so singularly marked and political a character that we are surprised to find the papers have omitted to notice them. We have, however, vainly searched the pages of our various daily, nightly, and weekly contemporaries for what, in Derby-day language, would be called a c'rect list;" and we are compelled, therefore, by our duty as correctors of the press to devote some valuable inches to supply its omissions. For the correctness of the following descriptions we have the authority of our own penny-a-liner to vouch :

:

The house of MR. FREDERICK PEEL presented a somewhat singular appearance, the entire front being covered with party-coloured lamps, which on close inspection proved to be tied together with red tape The devices were, as usual, somewhat stale, and it was noticed that the whole seemed on the point of going out.

LORD JOHN RUSSELL exhibited a dissolving view: War fading into Peace; the latter appearing in a most uncertain light, and in fact seeming a mere shadow. At the bottom of this was shown, in somewhat doubtful colours, the figure of an old whig, which looked we thought as though it wanted trimming.

At the residence of the Prussian Ambassador was exhibited a transparency: Prussia, in a neutral tint, going hand in hand with Austria, in green and gold: a bag of the latter being held up in the background by a figure which was thought to represent a Russian agent. The whole being a transparency, was of course very casily to be seen through. The Member for Nineveh displayed, in vivid colours, the figure of Truth being gagged and blindfolded by a party of officials, others of whom were discovered in the background playing battledore and shuttlecock the latter being labelled with the word "Responsibility." On the other side was parodied the well-known scene from William Tell, MR. JOHN BULL being represented as that personage, in an attitude of flat refusal to bow down to a peer's coronet, stuck upon a stick.

LORD PALMERSTON exbibited, in his upper story, the head of an ancient jester, which was thought by some to represent the head of the

MADRIGAL OF ADMINISTRATIVE
REFORM.

Stubbs, 1955.

No more will we be ruled by men
Whose sole qualification

Is not ability and ken;

But lies in rank and station:
None shall this land
Henceforth command,

No men will we submit to,
But those who business understand;
Practical men of ditto.

Hey! ditto, ditto,

Sing hey! ditto, ditto,
To none we'll give the upper hand,
But men of ditto, ditto.

Let men of ditto toil, no, no,

Alone at ledgers heavy;

In peace who how to govern know,
And war as well to levy.
Though pen appear,

Behind the ear,

We'll choose the man that's fit to, The country's bark of business steer; The clever man of ditto.

Hey! ditto, ditto,

Sing hey! ditto, ditio,

The men whose heads are strong and clear:
The men of ditto, ditto.

Gross Assault in the House of Commons.
MR. DISRAELI, on Thursday night, looking
MR. LAYARD "steadily in the face," said-

"So far as the Hon. Gentleman is concerned-I have known him from childhood, and have always had the

greatest confidence in his abilities and character."

Next morning, enquirers at the Hon. Gentleman's house were informed that "MR. LAYARD was as well as could be expected."

Government. Underneath was an allegory: the vessel of the State having struck upon the rock "Routine," is in danger of foundering, while a figure of JOE MILLER, gorgeously arrayed in the embroidered coat of office, appears enveloped in a blaze of triumph, and points with a complacent smile to the scroll" On revient toujours à ses Premier's

amours.

Several members of the Peace Society showed a solitary star, the Star of Hope; but we observed that in most cases its light was very faint, and indeed in some it was completely blown out.

An exception to the general illumination must be noticed in the mansion of the EARL OF ABERDEEN, which exhibited an aspect of funereal darkness.. It was, however, understood that the noble Earl was still in mourning for his friend, the late NICHOLAS, of Russia.

It is scarcely necessary to add, that Mr. Punch, at his official residence, 85, Fleet Street, displayed his accustomed splendid illumination, consisting simply of the sheets of his last number, which were as usual scattered in the window, and by their surpassing brilliancy quite dazzled the mind's eyes of all beholders.

Aberdeen's Thistle.

EARL OF ABENDEEN wore, among other orders, the Thistle, which WE are told by the historian of the late Drawing-room that "the his Lordship retains by especial command of HER MAJESTY." Perhaps no statesman more richly deserved the Thistle, seeing how many thistles his policy has thrust in the pillows of others. What a nosegay may history, Ophelia-like, cull for the noble Earl from the gravethoughts! Of a verity the EARL OF ABERDEEN has earned a thistle of grounds of the Crimea! Rue and pansy for thoughts-and such some sort, though hardly the one called Carduus benedictus.

A De-Tractarian.

SIR JAMES GRAHAM is said to have Puseyite leanings. These may account for his behaviour to MR. LAYARD, in attempting to shuffle on that gentleman the odium of having broken the heart of CAPTAIN CHRISTIE. The Puseyites admire the Saints of the monkish ages, who were chiefly remarkable for being shabby and dirty fellows.

JAMIE GR-H-M, THE UNPLEASANT BOY, WHO MADE A DIRT-PIE AND ATE IT.

JUNE 2, 1855.]

[PUNCH, No. 725.