office by the way in which MALMESBURY muddled, matters so miserably) was more precise, told MALMY that on the contrary, the practice had never been as he stated. Now bere is a man who was a Cabinet Minister, and hopes to be so again, and yet has not observation or memory enough to be right on a matter which has been constantly coming under his notice since 1841, when he left off being JIMMY HARRIS, and, under the sobriquet of MALMESBURY, began to make laws for us. LORD ALBEMARLE, who is a Lord of another sort, and a really able man, then brought forward a resolution affirming the necessity of injuring Russia by really crippling her commerce; instead of pretending to do it, as hitherto, but it is needless to say that Government set itself determinately against anything so rational. The Commons did not do much, but SIR GEORGE GREY obtained leave to bring in a bill for the inspection of coal mines, in order to provide some protection to the miners against the frightful accidents to which they are at present exposed. The object is laudable, but unless the act calls the owners of mines over their own coals in case of negligence, it will be useless. Wednesday. SIR WILLIAM CLAY moved the second reading of the bill for Abolishing Church Rates. LORD PALMERSTON thought the subject so difficult that nobody ought to try and deal with it. The House thought differently, and defeated the Government and the other opponents of the bill by 217 to 189. Thursday. The Lords did not sit, because it was a day of religious observance. It is therefore to be hoped that they went to church. The Commons had better have gone to church too, or even taken a secular holiday, for all they did was to shelve a measure for meeting a great public want-the appointment of Public Prosecutors-and to squabble over a Parish Constables' bill. LORD PALMERSTON however made an announcement which had better be noticed. He stated that "informal" communications were still going on with the Continental Powers upon the subject of peace. SHAKSPERE uses informal in the sense of "deranged in mind," and LORD PALMERSTON must believe that JOHN BULL is in that condition, if his Jauntyship supposes that JOHN will stand any peace that is not based upon the humiliation of Russia. And JOHN RUSSELL as Colonial Secretary proposed an exceedingly objectionable plan for a New South Wales Constitution which the New South Welsh are likely to treat with small ceremony. Friday. In the Lords the War Minister expounded the Government plan for remodelling or remuddleing certain military organisations. This attempt at reform has been forced out of the Ministry by sheer fright, and therefore the scheme, like all insincere things, is good for little. In the Commons the only thing worth notice was another attack upon MR. LAYARD by the small fry of the opposition, backed up by SIR JAMES GRAHAM and SIR JOHN PAKINGTON. GRAHAM'S intense love of candour and truth made him very indignant at an alleged mistake of MR. LAYARD'S, and the other respected Bart., who, Mr. Punch has heard, was for some time qualifying himself for the trade of an apothecary, pounded away as if he were once more equipped with pestle and mortar. There was some hee-hawing, as usual, from the sham soldiers, but MR. LAYARD told them the truth, namely, that all the yelping and howling of the inferior creation would have no other effect upon the country, except to show how much reforms are needed. and how distasteful they are to the folks who thrive and batten upon the present rotten system. GENTLEMEN'S SUMMER FASHIONS FOR 1855.-Great coats will be worn so long, that it will require the assistance of a page, or a JEAMES, behind to hold up the skirts. Or, my Lords, to use the quaint expression of my friend, MR. DRUMMOND, until the square men shall be put into the square holes, and the round men into the round holes." (Laughter.) MR. DRUMMOND, of course, never reads the Times; otherwise he would, doubtless, have immediately written, disavowing all property in the "quaint expression," too liberally given to him. "The world seems to me," says the original author, to be like a board pierced with square holes and round holes; with the round pegs in the square, and the square in the round." Now let not a Cabinet Minister despoil of his own, even a Bishop. MR. DRUMMOND may be a great wit, but he is not yet up to BISHOP BERKELEY; hardly up to the Bishop's beadle. DOWN WITH THE LADIES. WE never heard anything so ungallant as the remarks made by LORD REDESDALE on the presence of Ladies at the debate on the motion of LORD ELLENBOROUGH. The former Nobleman declared that the presence of the fair sex depressed the eloquence of the best speakers among the Peers, who were prevented from reaching the sublime by the counteracting effects of the beautiful. It is strange that a sex so remarkable for garrulity in itself should be the cause of the taciturnity of others. We presume, of course, that all the Ladies present on the occasion alluded to were beautiful, and it would have been more polite of LORD REDESDALE to have complimented them on this head at least, by saying that "the power of speech of the Peerage was taken away, by seeing so many regular stunners in the way of female loveliness." = Not a Magic Minstrel. HERR WAGNER, Professor of the "Music of the Future," appears, in conducting at the Philharmonic, to have made strange work with the music of all time. He alters MOZART, it appears, if not exactly as a parish clerk once said that he had altered HAYDN for the singing gallery, yet in a manner nearly as audacious, altering allegro" to "moderato," "andante" to "adagio," "allegretto" to "andante;" and "allegro" again to "prestissimo" WAGNER Would seem strongly to resemble his namesake in Faust, in the particular wherein that Wagner differs from his master-that is, in the circumstance of being no conjuror. THE QUESTION AS TOUCHING INDIA! (ADVERTISEMENT.) THE Indian Question is twofold, ordinary and extraordinary, at least the latter is stated by that talented journal, the Press, to be practised, as a means of judicial investigation, in a portion of our Indian possessions, by the officials of the East India Company. One branch of the ordinary Indian Question is the inquiry respectfully addressed to the HONOURABLE BOARD OF DIRECTORS BY MESSRS. WRENCH AND GYVES, Manufacturers of Engines and Instruments in Hardware, &c. Whether that statement of the Press can be relied on as authentic? Because, if so, MESSRS. W. AND G. confidently invite the attention of the Honourable Board to their new and extensive Stock of Instruments of Torture, warranted to defy Competition, and exhibiting a great superiority to the Apparatus in use during the GOOD OLD TIMES. In particular, they would recommend an early inspection of their PATENT EXTRA-EXCRUCIATING THUMB-SCREWS! on a new and improved principle; warranted to extract the truth, or its equivalent, in five minutes, with a degree of pain infinitely exceeding that produced by the complicated proceeding of binding the fingers and toes with twine, and driving pegs between them, at present resorted to by the Company's servants. W. and G. beg to submit to the notice of the Directors a large assortment of SELF-ACTING SYNCLASCELES FERRO-CALEFACIENT BOOTS! in which the Leg is crushed by Machinery, and at the same time subjected to the action of a high degree of Heat: thus possessing important advantages over the old Iron Boot unsuccessfully employed for the subjugation of the Scottish Covenanters. May be had of all sizes. This invention will procure, in a few hours, results, which by the Indian Stocks, with sharp-edged holes and ankle-pegs, are sometimes with difficulty obtained in as many weeks. An ancient invention for the infliction of suffering has been modified by W. and G., and is submitted by them for approval to the Leadenhall Street authorities under the appellation of THE SCAVENGER'S YOUNGER DAUGHTER!!! Through the judicious application of the lever, and other mechanical principles, this instrument is capable of being worked by a child; consequently saving the executioner an amount of muscular exertion unduly fatiguing in a warm climate. Whilst bending the body into an orbicular form it also, by means of a spring affixed to its lower end, applies the bastinado to the soles of the feet. The trouble of hauling a prisoner up to a tree by the arms tied behind him, and beating him at the same time with sticks on the shins, may thus be dispensed with, by an operation which is as easy to the official as it is intolerable to the native. POLISHED METAL REFLECTORS, for intensifying the effect of EXPOSURE in a state of nudity to the RAYS of the SUN; also CAYENNE-PEPPER INHALERS, for causing suspected individuals to breathe the fumes of Cayenne-pepper, volatilised by burning charcoal, which will be found much more convenient than the nosebag now employed, have also been manufactured by W. and G. in great numbers; but perhaps their most perfect agonific apparatus will be pronounced to be their STEAM RACK!!!! which, by the exquisite suffering which it is adapted to inflict, extorting any confession that can possibly be required, will altogether supersede all the other modes of torture described by the Press, as well as those which that journal refrains from mentioning. WHEELS, with Iron Bar, &c., complete. Pincers, Branding Irons, &c. &c. N.B. WRENCH AND GYVES, Sheffield, Makers to HIS MAJESTY THE KING OF NAPLES. A Poet's Prayer Granted. Friday week, that this was the merry month of roses, he felt inspired, and RECOLLECTING, as Mr. Punch sat with his toes on the fender, last began an ode. He had, however, only got as far as "Hail, May!" when didn't it? "A QUIVER FULL OF DAUGHTERS." HAPPY is he who-according to LORD GRANVILLE's new versionhas a quiver full of daughters; and happier still, if all that are in the quiver meet with the proper bow. THE PROTOCOL OF PRIVATE LIFE. SARAH CARTER had no right to speak, being only a poor servant, but sooner than see that blessed baby (article produced) physicked with the messes MRS. CHOWDERBY guv it when its mamma's back was turned, she would break stones on the high ropes. HE unfortunate dif- MRS. CHOWDERBY insisted on that slut's withdrawal from the Conference; but after some discussion this proposal was overruled. MR. TOMKINS had deuced little to say. He had married MAKIA, and not the whole family; but he was a good-natured fellow, and so long as her relations behaved with any sort of decency, he had been glad to do his best for them. But there was such a thing as cutting it too f-- (here MRS. TOMKINS gently suggested that her husband should vary his illustration). Well, he meant as riding a willing horse to death. He appealed to MARIA if he had not been a kind husband to her, in spite of her relatives. (MRS. TOMKINS here threw herself on his bosom, and sobbed). MR. CHOWDERBY said that it was keener than a toothache to have a thankless serpent instead of a child. MASTERS PETER and JACK CHOWDERBY expressed an opinion that the party would be much more jolly, and bother the old tea-pot; besides papa never took tea, but gin-and-water. (The extrusion of these members of the Conference occupied the next half minute). and amiable daugh- MISS LOUISA TOMKINS was sure that her brother would do everyter of MR. and MRS. thing that was right, and suggested that he should give them a day on CHOWDERBY, of the the water, and a dinner at Richmond, and everybody be friends. City Road. MR. MR. FREDERIC BINKLE cordially concurred in the last suggestion, CHOWDERBY, a year and if the word champagne were not deemed inadmissible, he would before a coal-agent venture to offer, on his own account, that addition to the proposed in apparently affluent festivity. (MISS L. TOMKINS touched his hand, and said "Duck.") circumstances, beMR. CHOWDERBY regarded all that as trash. If MR. TOMKINS Would came, in June, 1854, give him the money such a piece of foolery would cost, it would from circumstances enable him to remove his silver tea-pot from the house of a suppoover which he had no control, unable to meet his financial engagements. sitious relative, where, to the infinite disgrace of the family, it had Previous recourse, (especially upon an occasion when an infuriate long been deposited. milkman urged his demand with some precipitancy) had been had to the Loan system, and MR. TOMKINS, who is engaged in the pickle trade, had discounted a series of (dishonoured) bills for his father-in-law. Deeming it necessary to restrict his cash operations, MR. TOMKINS had lately declined this course, and to his son-in-law refusing him money, MR. CHOWDERBY, with some plausibility attributes his being without any. Differences arose, which were rather suspended than settled by a visit, which at MARIA TOMKINS's desire her husband requested from MRS. CHOWDERBY. It is here necessary to mention, that about December last, a baby was born to MR. and MRS. TOMKINS. MRS. CHOWDERBY accepted the invitation, bringing with her two younger brothers of MARIA, and they remained as guests until Easter, at which period the unsolicited superintendence of the elder lady with the management of the infant, the continual disarrangement of the pickle pots by the younger CHOWDERBYS, the incessant demands of the elder CHOWDERBY for money, and a final proposition that the whole CHOWDERBY family should come and live with the TOMKINS's, brought matters to a crisis, which terminated in the expulsion of the CHOWDERBYS, and a total estrangement. MR. TOMKINS felt no discontent at this; but his wife and various members of the family considering it objectionable, it was agreed that a Conference should be held at MISS TIDDLES'S, (a maiden aunt of MR. TOMKINS), in order to endeavour to arrange matters. The Conference took place at the above locality on Wednesday afternoon. Everybody attended on his and her own behalf. There were present, therefore, MR. SILAS CHOWDERBY, MISS TIDDLES, MRS. S. CHOWDERBY, MR. T. TOMKINS, MARIA TOMKINS, BABY TOMKINS, (provisionally registered THOMAS AUGUSTUS PICKLES), SARAH CARTER (nurse of the latter), MASTER PETER CHOWDERBY, MASTER JACK CHOWDERBY, MISS LOUISA TOMKINS (MR. T. T.'s sister), and MR. FREDERIC BINKLE (keeping company with the latter). MISS TIDDLES could not understand why relatives could not live in peace and harmony. She hated to see family disturbances, and thought the shortest way was to forget and forgive, and try to bear with one another better for the future. She would express no opinion on any subject, except that THOMAS AUGUSTUS PICKLES was the loveliest little ticksywicksy that ever was, so he was, and a duck of diamonds, and a treasure of the Indian seas, and the gold mines of America, chick, chick, chick, chick, chick. MRS. MARIA TOMKINS cried for some time, and then stated, that except her husband, her blessed baby was the only comfort she had on earth. Her papa and mamma were very unkind, she was sure, and THOMAS had a great deal to complain of. She had tried to make peace, but she hoped she knew her duty as a wife. BABY TOMKINS (hearing his mamma's voice) signified that she owed a duty as a mother which he called upon her in the most urgent manner to perform without delay. (The proceedings became inaudible until his demand was complied with.) MRS. CHOWDERBY hoped that what the unmarried young lady had seen and heard that day, would be a warning to her in case she ever had the misfortune of having children. No girl could have been better brought up than MARIA, and now let them look at her. MRS. TOMKINS begged, laughing, that they would do nothing of the kind. MR. CHOWDERBY conceived that if they were going to have nothing but nonsense, they had better go. He was a man of business, and would make a business-like proposition. Would TOMKINS pay all his debts, and advance him £100 to buy him a milk-walk, taking the advance out, for he was a man of business, in milk on week days and cream on Sundays? MR. TOMKINS, in justice to his adored wife, to that innocent babe, and to-well, never mind that-must decline doing anything of the sort. But a £20 note was heartily at MR. CHOWDERBY's service, and there it was. MR. CHOWDERBY would accept it, but without prejudice to his other claims. MRS. CHOWDERBY would forgive her MARIA, if MARIA could forgive herself. MRS. TOMKINS signifying that she was decidedly equal to this latter conciliatory effort, there was much mutual embracing, and tea at the expense of MISS TIDDLES. Short Lecture to Young Ladies. The initiative was then, at her own desire, conceded to MRS. CHOWDERBY, who expressed a conviction that things had come to a pretty HAVE a good piano, or none. Be sure to have a dreadful cold when pass, when a child forgot her duty to the mother that had weaned her, requested to favour the company.' Cry at a wedding. Scream at a that the meanness of MR. TOMKINS did not surprise her, for it was well spider. Never leave your curl-papers in the drawing-room. Drop known that he came of a mean stock; but that MARIA should go your handkerchief when you are going to faint. Mind you are engaged against her was indeed a blow, which, when she was laid in the silent if you don't like your partner. Abjure ringlets on a wet day. It's extramural cemetery, that undutiful girl would remember, in sacking vulgar to know what there is for dinner. Nuts are bad if you are and hashes. To suppose that a woman at her time of life did not going to sing. Never see a black coat as long as there is a red one, understand babies better than a chit was ridiculous, but this was only and always give the preference to the elder brother. Get married at a pretence for MISTER TOMKINS to get rid of his duty to his wife's, St. George's, if you can-at all events, get married. parents. They happened not to be so well off in worldly things as he was, perhaps because they had not stooped to the same low means of turning cash-some people, respectable people too, had spoken of halfpennies boiled in pickles to give them a colour, but that was neither here nor there. MR. TOMKINS ought to be ashamed of himself, and as for his wife-(here MRS. CHOWDERBY wept). A NOTED TRUTH.-If " every man has his price," as some human appraiser has said; so has friendship. And, in many cases, an Enemy is only a Friend returned dishonoured for want of funds to meet him with. Clara. "WELL, ROSE, DEAR, AND HOW DO YOU FEEL AFTER THE PARTY?" Rose. "OH, PRETTY WELL; ONLY I HAVE HAD SUCH A HORRID DREAM! Do YOU KNOW, I DREAMT THAT THAT GREAT STUPID CAPTAIN DRAWLER UPSET A DISH OF TRIFLE OVER MY NEW LACE DRESS WITH THE BLUE SLIP!" AN OPENING FOR THE ARISTOCRACY. THE demand for right men in the right places will have the effect of turning some of the wrong men out of the wrong places into which they have found their way, and it is possible that a large supply of aristocracy will be thrown adrift on society. In contemplation probably of a good deal of this material being sent into the market, some speculators are beginning to look for it, as it will in the first instance be obtainable for a very low figure. The following advertisement contains an offer which cannot be called liberal; but, as the advertiser is one of the first in the field, he may succeed in getting what he requires. WANTED, to keep a set of books by double entry, and conduct the correspondence of a shipping house, where the duties are light, a GENTLEMAN of good family. from 25 to 35 years of age, who would not be entirely dependent on the salary he would receive.-Address, &c. &c., Manchester, with reference and stating salary required. NO RESERVOIR OF TALENT. THE honoured name of the MARQUIS OF LANSDOWNE appears in the great ELLENBOROUGH debate. The Noble Earl told a story of the late DUKE OF WELLINGTON; how that his Grace would not fire a great gun against so small a bird as PALMERSTON. The benevolent MARQUIS OF LANSDOWNE, with great dignity, said-"He, too, could tell an'anecdote, but would not." He would compress the jest within him; LORD ELLENBOROUGH being, perhaps one of those men who can be trusted with untold jokes. Perhaps it was something about an elephant, or a pig in a Somnauth gate; but whatever it was, history is left not to truly tell, but at least to guess at. The Noble Marquis, however, with reference to the popular cry for right men in right places, said: "It is a popular error to suppose that there exists in this country any great reservoir of talent or experience, which may be dipped into at any time, and will always produce exactly what is wanted." This may be. But if, in very fact, there be no great reservoir of administrative talent, is that any reason-asks Mr. Punch-that we should employ nothing but pumps? A Learned Master of the Rolls. We should like to see the applications from "men of family," in reply to this advertisement, and we shall be curious to learn what portion of the aristocracy will become candidates for the occupation of keeping a set of books, without being entirely "dependent on the salary." It is certainly better that the allowances made to younger sons should be eked out by a small salary for keeping a tradesman's books, than by quartering the junior branches of the nobility on the public departments. These scions of high families would be much more than he needs for his business, advertises "A LOVING LOAF," the great A POETICAL baker, whose imagination seems to have more flower appropriately occupied in conducting the correspondence of "a shipping salient quality of which seems to be that it consists of nothing but house" than in mismanaging the public business in the government "Kissing-Crusts." He recommends it as being "highly digestive,' offices. We hail the advertisement before us as an eligible opening for being made of none but the very best "crumbs of comfort," and he the younger sons of the aristocracy, whom we hope to find usefully declares it to be "the fittest ornament for any Board, household or employed in keeping tradesmen's books, and learning the art of making otherwise, that is in the habit of quarrelling." The advertisement winds out, and sending in, a bill, instead of knowing only how to receive up by saying:-"This loaf should be on every married man's table." though not always to pay-such a vulgar document. CURLS OF SMOKE.-False ringlets. IF THE CROSSING SWEEPER, who, on Thursday last, gave a lady a penny for sweeping his crossing with her dress, will call at No. 299 A, Belgrave Square, he will be handsomely rewarded for his gratitude. |