THE FATHER OF ONIONS. OME time ago, when the EMPEROR OF "Lie there, thou idle symbol of victories not won, Then all the people shouted, and said "Long live the PRINCE, BARNUM'S ELEPHANT. -'s garden. Perhaps I boast a little in saying this; but then I look upon my onions with paternal eyes." It is not many men who could look long upon such a progeny (without weeping; but the father of onions was also doomed to be the father of the French people, and tears under such NEWS comes to us from across the Atlantic of BARNUM'S elephant. circumstances would have been undig- the state of slavery! To think of the majestic animal, free in his native Poor creature! Here is another proof of the degrading condition of nified, unmanly. An old legend tells us that at the first footstep taken by the savannahs, and then to behold him ploughing, carting loads of gravel, Evil One out of the Garden of Eden drawing stone on a dray, piling wood, and "making himself generally there sprang up garlic; at the second, useful," for we are assured that the victim lord of the forest does all onions. We do not believe it; otherwise, this-on the farm of P. T. BARNUM, Bridgefoot, Connecticut, is to fire we must even take both garlic and us with indignation, to melt us with pity towards the "peculiar instionions as the progeny of the cloven foot. An EMPEROR, now in the very The descendants of Guinea kings and Gold Coast princes have, doubtless, tution" to which, in America, men and elephants are alike a sacrifice. fullness of his purple, redeems the onion by having, in the hours of his blacked the shoes of free republicans, have served UNCLE SAM with captivity, fathered it. There is a story told of certain innocent settlers who once upon a time sowed gunpowder for onion-seed; whereas, we sherry-cobblers, and supplied BROTHER JONATHAN with many a minthave here the reverse of the accident, the onion-seed of 'Ham bearing julep. But such family declension, such sad descent, touches us not so in good time, the gunpowder of the Crimea and other places. We much as the thought of the lordly elephant, the wise, the grand, the hope that the Imperial onion-seed is still to be had; and, if so, we magnanimous, gentle elephant-"the truly great are ever gentle counsel the City of London to beg a pinch or two thereof that, duly degraded to a piler of logs and a carter of gravel for-for-(and this is sown on a certain patch of City land may, for all time, supply in his Oriental Fragments, of the moral dignity of the animal. He says the sting)-for BARNUM! How wisely and well speaks MAJOR MOIR, Napoleonic onions wherewith to stuff the Michaelmas City goose. This, indeed, would be a further proof of the alliance; a proof fragrant to the nostrils and savoury to the palate of the wisdom of London. There will be a deep significance in the sentence of the future biographer of LOUIS NAPOLEON, when posterity shall read this of him"He was at once the father of his country, and the parent of onions." PRINCE ALBERT'S EXAMPLE. A CANKERWORM was gnawing at the heart of England's Oak, Aristocratic vermin did offices infest, Not the Best men, but such men as lackeys call the Best, We drew the sword for Freedom: the battle-flag unfurled Then rose a cry among us for a Government of worth, Born with a spoon of silver in its mouth; born, sometimes, fool." These tidings heard PRINCE ALBERT at Windsor where he lay, "That cry," said he "is just; it is a shame and a disgrace FIELD MARSHAL THE PRINCE ALBERT then did order and decree, Before the troops assembled, in all the people's view, On the altar of his country the good PRINCE that baton threw ; "there is something in the elephant, independently of its bulk, I think, which distinguishes it from other quadrupeds. No person or persons would commit any act of gross indelicacy in presence of an elephant. The same feeling could not prevail touching the presence of a stupid rhinoceros, almost as bulky." Nevertheless, even an elephant is susceptible of degrading moral influences. Show me your company," says the proverb, "and I'll show you the man." Show me your BARNUM, and I'll show you the elephant. In his day, the elephant has kept the most glorious company; for there are extant several ancient medals on which the head of SOCRATES is found united with the head of an elephant. But true is the saying-every medal has its reverse. Again; these SOCRATIC-elephantine medals are of gold and silver. Whereas the medal to be henceforth struck commemorative of the elephant and the owner of Connecticut, must be of basest brass. We put it to MRS. BEECHER STOWE, whether the enslaved condition of this long-suffering elephant is not worthy of a tale illustrative of its sorrows? it is said that materials abound for its biography. We do entreat the benevolent HARRIET to undertake the goodly work; and further, to set apart a portion of the profits of the book to redeem the noble animal from the bondage of the showman. We hear among other incidents of its many-coloured life, that the elephant was last employed by BARNUM as money-taker; and such was the elevation of its moral sense in those days, it never took a bad shilling. When BARNUM retired from the cares of showmanship, the elephant bore him company; and was long employed in BARNUM's Palace, as a domestic of all work: the elephant making BARNUM's bed, bringing BARNUM'S shaving-water, cutting and curling BARNUM's hair, and drawing the corks of BARNUM's ginger pop. The best understanding long prevailed between the two animals; and was only broken by the fact that when BARNUM was about his Life, the elephant would not go down upon his knees-as BARNUM desired-to hold the showman's inkhorn. Upon this, the elephant was degraded to its present drudgery, from which we hope the pen of MRS. STOWE will, like fairy wand, full soon release him. Storm of Sebastopol! By the time when these lines shall have appeared in print, it is possible that LORD RAGLAN will have communicated to the Government intelligence of the storm of Sebastopol; but we are afraid the gallant meteorologist will have nothing of the sort to announce, unless Sebastopol should be visited with a tempest. A POPULAR NUISANCE MORALISED. The Red, White, and Blue."-Port, Sherry, and your Look when your wine-merchant's bill comes in. COLLECTIVE WISEACREDOM. H EAR-we are happy in being once DEN: "When he reflected on the state of public opinion out of doors, and then found the House spending whole days in this splitting of hairs (hear, hear), in this ecclesiastical casuistry worthy of the dark ages, he thought their conduct might almost be said to rival tinople who were engaged in similar disputes, while the Turks were thundering at their gates, and the Byzantine empire was tottering to its fall." Now for a specimen of the splitting of hairs-the question under quirk having been marriage with a deceased wife's sister: that of the inhabitants of Constan the rule of nearness of kin by terms WILLIAM HEATHCOTE, with his flashes of argument, so nearly fired the neighbouring river; a dispute as to the meaning of a Scriptural command. As if the ordinances of the Bible resembled those of the statute-book: ambiguous enactments worded by blundering members of Parliament! SIR WILLIAM HEATHCOTE, MR. ROUNDELL PALMER, and MR. GLADSTONE Contend that the marriage alluded to is prohibited by the "Divine Law." MR. SPOONER declares that it is not, supported by MR. COBDEN, MR. LOWE, the ATTORNEY GENERAL, and all the Jews, the people to whom the controverted precept was first delivered. What an edifying sort of discussion for BABOO SUTTEE, or CHINGWANG, those heathen gentlemen being present perchance, in the Strangers' Gallery! Not that there can be two opinions on the matter, considered with honesty and common sense; but if there could, which would be more likely, that MR. SPOONER should not understand his Bible, or that MR. GLADSTONE'S and SIR WILLIAM HEATHCOTE'S judgment should be warped by Puseyite prejudice? Does not every reasonable being feel convinced that if the ecclesiastical canons had prohibited marriage with a deceased wife's dress-maker, those gentlemen would try to prove the prohibition to have been dictated by the "Divine Law?" "The prohibitions were introduced by expressions forbidding marriage between persons near of kin, and the cases of affinity were brought within showing-to use the words pronounced at the creation-that those relatives by affinity were related to one flesh." The foregoing specimen of "Collective Wisdom" was, However, the Marriage Law Amendment Bill according to the Times, a con- has passed its second reading. In the meantribution afforded to that sum while, in order to its consideration in committee, total of sagacity by SIR WIL- the more thoroughly in the spirit wherein they LIAM HEATHCOTE. The other treated it on that occasion, let SIR WILLIAM Romanesque Member for Ox- HEATHCOTE, MR. ROUNDELL PALMER, and MR. ford spun out a whole yarn of the same tangle and really, to read the report of their dis- GLADSTONE, apply themselves to the study of courses touching the matter in debate, one might well suppose that both of the honourable those pages of Tristram Shandy in which that gentlemen were partners in the concern of LOYOLA AND CO. profound church-lawyer DIDIUS, and his worthy What fun it would be if the House of Commons, so ready to laugh without a cause, could brethren GASTRIPHERES and PHUTATORIUS, learn to laugh with reason: that is, at folly! But that merry assembly has no perception of pursue a kindred disquisition in the same the ludicrous. It does not see the absurdity inherent in a debate, such as that in which SIR tone. NEIGHBOUR LONDON TO NEIGHBOUR PARIS. that, mixing with the atmosphere, makes it mightily wholesome. "DEAREST NEIGHBOUR, Knowing that you were at least well satisfied with the hearty welcome and humble fare (for I confess it, I cannot cook as you can) offered to your distinguished friend on his late visit with his very beautiful wife; thinking that it would only make us the better friends, the better we treated each other's countrymen,-I own I was a little hurt when I found myself spoken of in a manner, by one of your people, that I do not think I quite deserve. Now, mind, my dear PARIS, I dwell upon this in the best temper; and with no sourness, no ill-will whatever. Besides I know that lawyers will be abusive; nevertheless, I think even the lawyer went a little beyond his professional black, when-very properly denouncing a very wicked man, by name PIANORI, and by trade a shoemaker-the lawyer said, "But a month ago he left London, that centre of the most audacious agitators of those men whom rage and defeat have driven to madness, and who have come to such a point that appeal to crime is their only means to serve their ambitious designs, their material appetites, and their lust for power." "I confess it, when I found these very hard words flung at myself, I did for a moment feel in a pucker. What, thought I, and did I do my best to receive my Neighbour's exalted friend with smiles and cordiality, and am I to be considered as a person who harbours the very wickedest of persons for the very worst of purposes. I know I am hospitable; and more than that, I can't and I won't help it. I know that many and many a time, poor hunted, desolate creatures, have almost fallen down upon their knees, ready to kiss my threshold; because, when there they were safe and sound, although roared and howled after as the sea roars and howls at times about my dwelling. "And dear Neighbour, it is not my fault-but rather, I think, it is the excellence of my constitution, which the sea by the bye, has ever done much to brace and strengthen-if I am alike hospitable to all sorts of people. Great Kings that have left their sceptres behind, and only come to me with a cotton umbrella-Prime Ministers with only the one shirt upon the back turned at a minute's notice to their own country-lawyer's clerks that have been dictators and have become as poor and helpless as lawyers' clerks again. All of these have been alike welcomed by me, and will be, always and for ever. My sky is, I know, not as blue as yours! it is so often mixed with coal-smoke; and wash as one will, one cannot at times help having smutty spots upon one's face,-but for all this, the air is very sweet and very comforting. Now I know, that people will take advantage of this easiness, one's wish to be hospitable. It is the old story of ingratitude, as old as the poison in the frozen snake brought to the woodman's fire-place. Still, I will say, that I have always endeavoured to preach peace and goodmanners to the strangers who have sought me. And therefore, am I to be called the nurse of audacious agitators-the patroness of criminals and madmen-the easy looker-on of desperate lunatics, lusting for bulrush sceptres, and diadems of straw? I am sure, your excellent friend who lately visited me has no right to think this of me. I did my best to give him a kind welcome; and began to flatter myself with my success, but-so it is; when a lawyer opens his mouth, even LONDON is not safe. I know and own that, now and then, I have-I am so hospitableharboured strangers who have slipt away, and gone on board a boat, and made themselves jolly with no end of champagne, and afterwards, made a great disturbance when they got to the other side of the sea: but for all that, I do not think that especially after what's so lately happened, one of your lawyers should be allowed to abuse my kindness, when certain people for I'm above naming names-have years ago done what they pleased, with their knees comforted at my fireside. Now, my dear Neighbour PARIS,-I'm not angry, only a little sad at what your lawyer has said; but I defy his words; and-I can't help it-shall go on my old way, opening my door to whatever stranger may knock, whether his name be AUGUSTUS CESAR, or JOHN SMITH; whether he comes with both his pockets crammed with gold snuff-boxes, -or whether he doesn't bear his own likeness in a sou's-worth of copper. "My dear Neighbour,-Let you and I continue to love one another, and we may defy all lawyers, though they should go on abusing us, till their tongues were as black as the tongues of Poll-Parrots. And so I remain, Dearest PARIS, "Your Affectionate Friend and Neighbour, LONDON." "P.S. Talking of gold boxes, and knowing how ready some folks are to take things in huff, I sent to my friend, my own LORD MAYOR, begging him not to think of what your lawyer had said of me, and not by any means-for my own LORD MAYOR is so sensitive-not to send back the gold box with the diamond N. I was much relieved when my own LORD MAYOR sent me word to say that-as for sending back such a box, such a thought would be the last thought in this world to enter such a head." E know that THE LAST STAGE OF PUFFING. AN action was brought the other day against a theatrical Manager America pro- for having omitted to do a certain Pantomime trick which had been duces opos- paid for as an advertisement. Somebody's patent something was to sums and ra- have been represented as doing something or other, such as turning a coons, rattle-white house into a black one, to prove the virtues of somebody's Indesnakes also, lible Ink; or to convert a black house into a white one, to show the and other power of somebody's Patent Whitewash. We will not stop to inquirereptiles. It for nobody will think it worth while to ask-whether the "author's" may not per- permission is required to introduce these acknowledged puffs into his haps be gene-production, or whether he receives any of the profit arising from the rally known interpolation, but as Managers seem to consider this mode of adverthat there tising a legitimate mode of increasing their receipts, we give a few exists also hints by which the plan may be adapted to SHAKSPEARE's plays, or any an American other stock pieces. Throw physic to the dogs! I'll none of it. breed of curs-a remark- Macbeth's speech to the Physician in the Fifth Act might be thus one of a pack, and whilst yelping and snarling in common with the rest of it, he whines and howls an apology for their common cry. Here is a specimen of this dog's "pen and-ink:" Both are procured of PUFFAWAY AND Co. In Richard the Third a very legitimate advertisement might be introduced at the point where Richard orders his horse. The passage might run as follows: Saddle White Surrey for the field to-morrow: Complete, with all improvements, that I bought Of PEAT AND Co., the price was moderate. 'Have I not pawned to you my Majesty ?" "You have beguiled me with a counterfeit." Another fine opportunity for an introduced puff occurs in the Third "Without stopping to decide whether Americans are more benevolently inclined to Act of King John, when Constance, in reply to King Philip's observation, Russia than to those who, in spite of negative protestations, are evidently straining every nerve to humiliate her, it is not difficult to comprehend why such a disposition should not be uncommon throughout the States. If I mistake not, there exists a strong and general conviction among disinterested persons that the present frightful proceeds to observestruggle between Christian nations in arms is a disgrace to the nineteenth century; that the object of it is as unattainable and unwise as it is indefensible; that no contingent or prospective danger to Europe or to India was sufficiently menacing to justify in the sight of God the slaughter of His chief handiwork on earth at the rate of And might go on to remark200,000 souls a year, or in the sight of man the destruction of his hard earnings so as to outstrip the almost miraculous productiveness of the present day; and that when Russia consents, as she has done, to the demands of the Allies concerning the SULTAN'S Greek subjects, the protectorate of the Principalities, and the navigation of the Danube, to require her, in the plenitude of her strength and the height of her pride to assist in tying her own hands, is an indignity to which none would submit save a fool, who is more than one half coward. Is it to be wondered at, then, if among other impartial observers, some Americans be found who, seeing Russia banned as an annexionist by the Allies, call upon these, as another set of self-righteous accusers were once exhorted to 'cast the first stone. " 66 Here the whine assumes a nasal twang, into which the American cur can never long give tongue without subsiding. He never fails to snuffle a text and a pious sentiment in the course of his howl. Considering who first uttered the phrase of Scripture which the "States "-man quotes, one cannot but think its adoption by those some Americans " as rather cool, and very characteristic of the " some -some Americans being, as aforesaid, curs. Is it not banning Russia as an annexionist" that provokes the wrath, and evokes the piety of these brethren in annexation of the Russian orthodox? For the rest, the cur howls that we interfere in American affairs, which he rather vaguely specifies; avoiding the mention of filibusterism in connexion with Cuba. Another American affair he omits to yelp upon: slavery to wit. In not referring to these, he passes over the very points on which " some Americans" particularly sympathise with 66 66 Oh! Let us all beware of counterfeits. Clarence's celebrated dream might be also made a vehicle-literally a vehicle-for a puff in the following fashion: Clarence is come-false, fleeting, perjured Clarence! For double harness-as there is a pole, the CZAR. Some Americans are each of them a little CZAR in himself, a tyrant of slaves; and a scoundrel who wants to carry out the destiny of his country" by plundering his neighbours. A fellow feeling makes us wondrous kind to fellow-criminals, wondrous savage, drama, will be sufficient to afford a hint to those town or country The above instances, in which the puff is introduced into the high malignant, and malicious against their prosecutors, whose acts are a protest against our own conduct. Add to this the pious sentiment of Managers, who, looking on the stage as a legitimate source of making some Americans.' NICHOLAS had, he said, the Sword in his hand money,, are prepared to take advantage of any and every mode of and the Cross in his heart-he had indeed the sword in one hand and increasing the receipts of a theatre. the knout in the other. So "some Americans" carry the revolver and the cow-hide: so do they sanctimoniously whine and turn up the whites of their eyes, whilst they scourge the flesh from the bones of miserable blacks. Weather or No! WHY is LORD RAGLAN more fitted to defend a place that is besieged The other chief reason why, "some Americans" hate us is, because anticipate the answer, which consists in the fact, that he must be well than to conduct offensive operations? Everybody will or ought to the English Press abuses and ridicules the American nation. Some Americans are a very thin-skinned race of curs: with which remark fitted to resist an attempt to take a place by storm, because he is always ready to weather it. some we dismiss the consideration of the animal; rejoicing that Americans are by no means all. 66 COME IN. We blame Fortune for not visiting us, whereas in many cases the fault lies at our own door in doing nothing to invite her in. THE RUSSIAN REBELLION.-WE have fed the Russian prisoners at Lewes so well, that a few days since they broke into rebellion and showed fight. Now JOHN BULL cannot stand this. It is a little too much when his own beef rises against him. 66 "IF you have only a plank to swab," CAFTAIN SWOSSER used to say, swab it as if DAVY JONES was after you.' Good advice, which the Morning Herald has borne in mind. Noticing a book, of which we will say more when we can hear of anybody who has read it, the Herald observes : 1 "The Author possesses no common mind or attainments. The dignity and eloquence of a sage speak forth in every page, and the result is a novel that SCOTT or BULWER may have equalled, but never surpassed." That's the way to swab planks. That's the We propose that a new order of critical merit befounded, its members to be called the "Swabbers," and the first Knight Companion to be the Herald reviewer. No such service is rendered to literature as is paid by the devoted and faithful Swabbers. THE PROBLEM OF THE TIMES.-The Money Market may sometimes be easy, but does one man in a hundred ever understand it? PALMERSTON'S NIGHTMARE. HONOUR DEFERRED. IN the House of Lords the other evening "LORD VIVIAN begged to ask the Noble Lord the Minister for War how it happened that the honours usually bestowed on our soldiers for good conduct in the field had been so long withheld. The fortune of war had already carried to their last account many of the gallant men who had helped to gain the victories won in the Crimea, and he hoped therefore that the medals intended to be bestowed upon them would no longer be delayed." The striking of these medals affords, we think, another striking proof of the way our Ministers now manage matters. Probably by the time they are ready for distributing, there will be no one left alive to receive them. National comparisons are odious, of course; but that it would be well for us to take a leaf from the Russian book occasionally, we think may be inferred from the EARL OF MALMESBURY's statement, in the debate which followed, that "There were, it was well known, at the present moment in London medals taken from dead Russians, which were inscribed with the name of Inkermann." Fas est et ab hoste doceri is a maxim not sufficiently acknowledged yet in Downing Street, and we think in this case it might be fitly studied. As far as money goes, JOHN BULL has always had the character of being a prompt paymaster; but in paying off his debts of honour, he has been too commonly allowed, we think, too long a credit. It was but yesterday that the Peninsula veterans were decorated, and it seems as if the old Peninsula precedent will be followed now in this respect as in every other. If we might propose a design in future for our army medals, we would suggest the figure of "Hope deferred," encircled with the motto "Never see Die." Patriotism and Perspicuity. kk news: "The New York Herald states that the renowned Sea-Serpent, after an absence of several years, has turned up off the Capes of Delaware. He is reported to be 100 feet in length." But it also asserts that "During a storm at Corning, hailstones fell that measured nine inches in circumference, and weighing eight ounces or thereabouts." It is lucky for the Sea-Serpent that the hail-storm was confined to Cornno ing; for if it had occurred off the eiaan Capes of Delaware when he turned up, the eight-ounce hail-stones would certainly have killed him. THE ENGLISHMAN'S (PUBLIC) HOUSE IS HIS CASTLE. The Morning Advertiser is wrath with the Times for inserting letters from a correspondent who signs himself "AN ENGLISHMAN." The great organ of the half-and-half interest declares that the "only real Englishman" confines his contributions to the columns of that journal. Is it to be inferred that every other writer for every other portion of the newspaper press is a foreigner, and that the Advertiser is the only paper supported by "native talent?" Looking at the signatures to some of the correspondence of that foaming journal, we should have imagined that in the material of which it is composed there is a good sprinkling THE letter of "À CONSERVATIVE" to the Morning Herald thus of what-instead of being pure British spirit-is evidently some foreign commences: compound. We cannot suppose that there is only one Englishman who writes in the newspapers, and that all the other contributors to the public press are representatives of some outlandish part of the world, and adherents of what are called separate "nationalities." It is not very politic on the part of the Advertiser to claim the ENGLISHMAN as the writer of particular portions only of the journal, for it naturally makes rather doubtful English of all the other articles. OXENSTIERN AT ST. STEPHEN'S.-Behold, my son, by how small a joke the House of Commons is moved to laughter! Printed by William Bradbury, of No. 12, Upper Woburn Place, in the Parish of St. Pancras, and Frederic Mallett Evans, of No. 27, Victoria Street, in the Parish of St. Margaret and St. John, Westminster, both in the County of Middlesex. Printers, at their Office in Lombard Street, in the Precinct of Whitefriars, in the City of London, and Published by them at No. 85, Fleet Street, in the Parish of St. Bride, in the City of London.-SATURDAY, May 19, 1855. |