they should remain standing in her mere waiting-rooms; but were he to assert such an opinion, it might be proper to remind him that the congregation does sit occasionally, ODE TO MR. LAYARD. LAYARD, whose energy and perseverence ELDOM does Mr. Punch at least, even in Church. From Nimroud's human-headed bulls with wings, Those monuments of sacred story, which, Thou strovest manfully, thou now dost strive The lure of office cannot woo Thee from thy duty, nor the frown Of resolution, and determination, By knaves who want to burke investigation; Thy question goes directly to the mark, And so the truth thou gettest out Of some that fain would keep it darkThe truth, the sad truth, which the Clerks of PEEL Tried unavailing dodges to conceal. Thou from unwilling witnesses hast wrung, How England's dying soldiers were neglected, Tracing the causes whence their misery sprung, What incapacity hast thou detected! Mismanagement belief that passes, Which wholly unaccountable appears, With real hoofs and hides, and tails, and ears, Some wake the echoes of Another Place. LAYARD, persist; to thy herculean task, In spite of Placemen's interested howl, Nor blunders, thy research escape, And snap the ties of that Red Tape, In whose pestiferous folds JOHN BULL, entangled, Is writhing like LAOCOON: And if not quickly liberated, JOHN Will stand a serious chance of being strangled. The War in Black and White. THE part of Polonius at the British Court does not appear to be performed so well as it might be. In a letter to the Times, signed H," complaint is made THE evidence taken by the Committee on the State of that the crush and rush in the ante-rooms, on the occasion of a Royal Drawing the Army before Sebastopol, shows that LORD RAGLAN Room, are intolerable; that ladies and aged persons suffer dreadfully from heat is always writing at his desk till early morning; that and fatigue: all which misery might be remedied by an easy arrangement. But Commissary FILDER is continually writing also-quill the incompetency of Polonius is more particularly evident from the subjoined driving for seventy-two bours at a stretch: and that writing extract from "H's" letter:constitutes, to an equal extent, the employment of the heads of the Medical Department. Nothing but pen ink and paper!-one would think the present struggle was a paper war: and we cannot be surprised that affairs in the Crimea are stationary. "The drawing-room commences at 2 o'clock. Many ladies, to avoid the bear garden they would otherwise have to pass through, go at 12 o'clock; and as no seats are allowed, they are compelled to stand for two or three hours.' That is much more than any rational person would stand who had the option of going; and the only wonder is, that the inconvenience of having to stand so long does not cure that of the crowd. What a shame it is that Polonius does not provide seats for the people who come to pay their respects to their QUEEN!-as HER MAJESTY, when she comes to know how her visitors are neglected, will no doubt command him to do. Polonius cannot say that respect for the SOVEREIGN requires that DIRECT FROM THE SEAT OF WAR. THE last despatches of LORD RAGLAN were nearly sent back from the Horse Guards to the Custom House, for some one had waggishly inscribed on them, "A Box oF DATES." WE ARE NOT A NATION OF SHOPKEEPERS. AN IMAGINARY CONVERSATION. Foreigner. Is it true, as NAPOLEON said, that you English are a "Nation of Shopkeepers." Englishman. There never was a greater calumny. I can assure you there is nothing of the Shop about us. BRITANNIA's trident is not exactly a yard-measure. Foreigner. But still there are certain of your institutions and customs that are worthy of a label in a shop-window, and the price, I think, could easily be put upon them. Englishman. You must be jesting-but, perhaps, you would not mind mentioning just one or two. Foreigner. Certainly, and you must tell me frankly if what I advance is true or not. First of all, I am informed that all promotion in your army is to be bought for so much money-that a Lieutenant-a Captain -a General-n'importe quoi-is bought with no more difficulty, with less embarras, than we should buy a melon, or a brioche, or a jar of cornichons. I ask you if your Ministry of War is anything better than a big military toy-shop, where grades of all rank, both high and low, are to be purchased at all prices, precisely much in the same way as we should purchase in the Passage des Panoramas drums, and swords, and cocked hats, for our little children to play with. NAPOLEON did say that the baton de maréchal was in every French soldier's knapsack-but excuse me, with you English, it would seem to be in your father's breeches-pocket-the pocket, to be sure, where the gold is kept! Englishman. I admit the sarcasm-there is unfortunately some little truth in what you say. But the same traffic Foreigner. Does not exist elsewhere, you will say. Pardon me, once more. How about your Church? Englishman. Our Church, Monsieur, is perfectly pure-free from any reproach. Foreigner. Oh! excessively pure. There are no traders inside your Temple. How then, pray, comes it that every day "Livings," as you call them, are put up for sale? Tell me, how is it that a Clergyman can go to market as easily as a farmer? and can buy his 200 or 2,000 "souls" with as much facility as the latter can buy as many pigs ?and the chances are, that of the two he would get the souls much cheaper. Englishman. I will grant that such things, to our great scandal, do occur occasionally. Foreigner. No-not occasionally-but frequently. Your poor Parishioners are sold by auction-sold, like your cattle, at so much a hundred. In the East there are slave-markets for the body-but in England alone is there a slave-market for the soul. It is most shameful! Englishman. You are severe, Monsieur. However, there is no other instance. Foreigner. No other! Why, it was but yesterday, that your seats in Parliament were almost openly sold in public. You went to an agent, as you would go to the box-office of a theatre, and the man could tell you at once, to a fraction, what was the price of every seat in the House. The only difference was you paid more for the Comédie in the one instance than the other. دو Englishman. But the same practice no longer exists. Foreigner. You know that it does-only the commerce is carried on much more secretly. Besides, have you not "Election Committees almost always sitting to inquire into votes having been sold? Is there not every session some inquiry going on into an election that has been notoriously won by the force of hard money? You must be aware that there are as few free seats" in your Parliament as there are in your churches. Talking of churches, look at your system of pews-Money! -money!-money!-you can have nothing, unless you pay, as in a shop, so much for it! Your national figure should be drawn like one of our Dames du Comptoir, a grand lady that sits at the counter, and makes out the accounts, and sees that everything is properly paid for. Englishman. However our Law is free from any suspicion of corruption. Foreigner. With pride you may say it, but you know it requires a fortune almost to go to law. Justice is about the dearest thing in England-it is not given, but sold, and sold very dearly. A poor man cannot afford to go to law-he would be ruined before he was heard: more than this, England is about the only country, where a husband receives, what is called "damages" for his wounded honour-plastering it over, so to say, with bank notes-deriving a profit out of his wife's very shame. Then, tell me, about your Law of Divorce. Englishman. I regret to say it is very bad. pauvre ami, over the door of most of your Institutions might really be inscribed, as at a place of amusement, "PAY HERE." You pay your money-and you are admitted, and no questions asked. And, yet, you will tell me you are not a "nation of Shopkeepers?" Englishman. Excuse me, Monsieur, 1 would rather not answer any more questions. Foreigner. But the facts I have given you prove but too plainly that you are in many respects une nation de Boutiquiers, and what is worse, Shopkeepers for the benefit of the Rich. You sell your commissions in the army, your livings in the church, your votes at elections, your seats in Parliament, and your pews, and your divorces, and various other commodities, none of which do the poor ever buy, but which are trafficked in, marchanded, solely by and for the rich. My dear friend, take a foreigner's advice: "Fermez la boutique." As you would say, "Put up the shutters as quick as possible," or else you will find, one of these beautiful days, when everything else is sold, that the glory of the nation will be "the next article!" MILITARY HORTICULTURE. THE following is the rather Cirque-Olympian address that the French Emperor made to 11,000 troops at a review the other day : "Soldats! l'armée est la véritable noblesse de notre pays; elle conserve intactes d'âge en âge les traditions de gloire et d'honneur national. Aussi votre arbre généalogique, le voici (il montre les drapeaux): il marque à chaque génération une nouvelle victoire. Prenez ces drapeaux, je les confie à votre honneur, à votre courage, à votre patriotisme! The above may be very theatrical, but it is very telling, especially with a people so theatrically-given as the French. Every Parisian General who harangues his troops is a GoMERSAL for the moment, declaiming on the boards. But if LOUIS NAPOLEON had had to address an English army, he would have had to change his style of appeal. Thus, probably, would he have stirred up their martial ardour: "Soldats Anglais ! Votre Armée est en vérité composée de la noblesse de votre pays. Riche en argent, si non en gloire, elle conserve intactes de jour en jour les traditions de routine, de népotisme, et de fainéantisme nationale. Aussi, votre arbre généalogique, le voici (he unfolds several flags, with beautiful long streamers of red tape). Du sommet des Horse Guards, dix-huit siècles ont contemplé cet arbre fleurir. Maintenant, mes braves, il est temps de le planter à la Porte. Prenez donc ces drapeaux. Je les confie à votre patriotisme, à votre courage de même que je confie à votre dévouement, à votre piété filiale, les vieux Généraux qui brûlent de courir avec vous, s'ils peuvent marcher, à la Victoire! God Save the QUEEN!" With the above address, ringing like a French trumpet in their ears, there is no knowing what our brave soldiers in their enthusiasm would have done! AN extract from an Austrian paper says "Mount Olympus smokes like a volcano." We hear that, directly this became known in London, Foreigner. Nothing can well be worse! Why, your rich man for his the author of Proverbial Philosophy immediately quitted home with half£2000 can get his Divorce,-but, for the poor man there is no hope-a-dozen empty bottles and corks to match. his wife may be a confirmed drunkard, a most depraved creature, a lunatic, or a criminal even, but still he cannot get rid of her, unless he is in a position to pay the above sum for the liberation. Divorce in MOTTO FOR THE SHORT-HAND WRITERS IN THE GALLERY.your England is a luxury within the reach only of the rich. Mon "Everything by 'Turns,' and nothing Long." MR. TOM NODDY'S FIRST DAY WITH THE HOUNDS AFTER THE LONG FROST. THIS REPRESENTS THE PRECISE MOMENT WHEN TOM NODDY, AFTER MUCH EXERCISE, MEETS A SIMPLE COUNTRYMAN RETURNING WITH THE MARE. THE SIMPLE COUNTRYMAN IS ASSURING T. N. THAT HE HAD A DEAL OF TROUBLE TO CATCH HER, AND THEN IT WUR TWENTY MINUTES AFORE HE COULD MAKE HER LEAVE THE 'OUNDS AND THEN ONLY A-CAUSE SHE WUR QUITE "BLOWED."-(N.B. The simple Countryman hopes T. N. will remember him.) Printed by William Bradbury, of No. 13. Upper Woburn Place, in the Parish of St. Pancras, and Frederick Mullet Evans, of No. 27, Victoria Street, in th: Parish of St. Margaret and St. John, Westminster, both in the County of Mid ilesex. Printers, at their Office in Lombard Street, in the Precinct of Whitefriars, in the City of London, and Published by them at No. 85, Fleet Street, in the Parish of St. Bride in the City of London.-SATURDAY April 7th, 1855, A RETIRED BISHOP. 141 their respective Governments." WRITE off, TITOFF, fiddle oddle lay, Write off, TITOFF, fiddle oddle lay, Bustle, RUSSELL, fiddle oddle lay, You don't know what LORD PAM will say? You're canny, BOURQUENEY, fiddle oddle lay, Already at the Tuileries There's chafing at these fooleries. You're canny, BOURQUENEY, fiddle oddle lay, Do all, BUOL, fiddle oddle lay, You don't know what your Court will say? Do all, BuOL, fiddle oddle lay, You don't know what your Court will say. All lies, Allies, fiddle oddle lay, This is what Europe means to say, Hang your higgling, hold your hagglin', WE owe the greatest part of our National Debt to MR. WILLIAM PITT, "the Heaven-born minister." We only regret that the National Debt, since it is almost more than can be borne by us, cannot be "Heaven-born" also. the value of "a mere song," but had BISHOP written in the present day, THE INTERIOR OF THE BANK. It is seldom that the world hears of the retirement of a Bishop; and if such an event should occur, it is not very likely the public would have to be appealed to for a provision for his old age, on the cessation of his labours. There does, happen, however, to be a BISHOP just now, who, having contributed to the harmony of his fellow-creatures for a long series of years, would be glad to enjoy the repose to which his FEW have penetrated into the private recesses of the Bank. Though good works-his Opera, and other services, fairly entitle him. We allude to SIR HENRY BISHOP, whose compositions have been more permanently popular than those of any other English composer, and everybody has heard of the Bank parlour which the imagination whose ballads of twenty years ago have not lost any of their freshness. furnishes with a Bank sideboard, complete, with a cellaret to hold "other lips" appealing to "other some of those refreshing drafts which the cellars of the Bank are We have had a variety of hearts" during the last quarter of a century, but no lips appeal to the known to be able to supply-we cannot form much notion of the Bank heart with more effect than those which are the medium of the melodies kitchen: for the Bank of England is above all suspicion of dirty work, of BISHOP. He has already given in Exeter Hall a Concert consisting though there are some Banks which might find a kitchen useful for the entirely of his own compositions, and it is very high praise of his genius purpose of cooking their accounts. In our opinion, the Bank requires to say that there was nothing like monotony in the performance. But very little domestic accommodation, for beyond the Bank parlour few composers could bear such a test, and we doubt if a whole night and the Bank cellar, we see no necessity for anything but a bed-room, with even our old friend BACH would not be too much of a good thing where the directors might take their "rest." for any but the most ardent admirer of those chromatic scales, which are so heavy as to be appreciated only by those who estimate music by its weight, as they would purchase their coals or sell them. So much delight was afforded to the audience of the last Concert, that another is about to be given from the same fertile source, and for the same worthy object. It might seem that one who has contributed so largely and so successfully to the public amusement, would hardly need to make any further exertion. But when BISHOP began to write, the publishers had not begun to pay the prices which more modern, and less meritorious composers have succeeded in obtaining. BISHOP was the pioneer to the popularity of music, by cultivating a musical taste of which others have reaped the benefit. Formerly it was customary to express depreciation by comparing a worthless article to VOL. XXVIII. National Economy. WHY are milkmaids generally Welsh? Why are hodmen for the most part Irish? These questions may not admit of easy solution, but there is no difficulty in accounting for the circumstance that the great majority of army-surgeons are Scotchmen. The authorities prefer Scotch surgeons, expecting that those officers will, in the discharge of their duty, be actuated by the national disposition to save. This expectation appears to be fulfilled: but perhaps economy would be better consulted on the whole, if the doctors were encouraged to save men rather than expenses. BALLAD OF THE BOAR. (From our Sackville Street Correspondent.) "MR. BURKE ROCHE, M.P. for Cork, is about to be raised to the Peerage." "ESCAPE OF THE WILD BOAR FROM THE ZOOLOGICAL GARDENS, PHOENIX PARK. Considerable excitement was occasioned amongst the pedestrians in the Park on Sunday evening, upon its becoming known that the wild boar had escaped from the gardens. The ferocious brute managed to break from its den. The keepers pursued, and in a short time came up with him, making towards the gate leading to the city. With the assistance of some Policemen they fortunately contrived to secure him."-Dublin paper. YOU'VE heerd From the dubblin DiurNals, no dout, How The grate Big wilD Boar from The faniX broke Out; This Noble old Boar The Police diD rUn After, And Captivate bAck with great shouTing AND laugHter; This Noble oLd Boar pick'd a Leaf up of "Saun Ders," "BeDad," says the Boar, "it's a Great Day for pork, PHYSIC FOR INFANTRY. THE suspicion that the affairs of the British Army are directed by old women, has, as regards the Medical Department, received a curious confirmation. The Times Correspondent in connexion with the "Sick and Wounded Fund," writes word from Balaklava, that the troops have actually had sent out to them as a remedy for Dysentery, DALBY'S Carminative? He says that "Two dozen bottles of this jocose consignment adorn-a shining row-the shelves of the Balaklava dispensary. Its merits are canvassed in productions which bear the signature of ANDREW SMITH, M.D.; and surgeons, harassed by innumerable duties, are gravely asked to report on its action in the cases of adults." The want of Cavalry in the Crimea is no doubt very great; but DR. ANDREW SMITH appears to have considered that we have no troops at all there, except Infantry consisting of mere infants. Should DALBY'S Carminative fail to relieve the sufferings of our little soldiers, perhaps DR. SMITH Would next recommend the Regimental Surgeons to try DAFFY'S Elixir, which not producing the desired effect, to have, next, recourse to MRS. JOHNSON's American Soothing Syrup-an anodyne likely to prove a real blessing to Grenadiers. Certainly it is desirable that troops who may sometimes have to bite cartridges should get on with their teething. But if this kind of medicine is to be administered to the Army, a corresponding change ought to be made in the diet of the soldier, who should be supplied with rations of HARDS' Farinaceous Food, or Tous-les-Mois, or Soojie, with the occasional variation of "Tops and Bottoms." How to get Double Rations. CRIMINAL LAW REFORM WANTED. COMMON law has, by an "alarming sacrifice" of the lawyers, been reduced in price, and even Chancery has been subjected to some reforms, which provide that "all these suits must be cleared off" within something like a reasonable period; but Criminal law appears from the following letter to be greatly in want of amendment. "SIR,-On the 24th inst. I committed a woman for trial at the approaching Quarter Sessions at Chelmsford for robbing her master of one pennyworth of milk. The expenses incurred at Petty Sessions amount in this case to 15s.; and the probable expense of the trial at Quarter Sessions will be £4 or £5. I give publicity to this case in order that the attention of members of the House of Commons may be drawn to LORD CAMPBELL'S 'Criminal Justice Bill.' County expenses may well be heavy. We call aloud for cheaper justice. I am, your obedient servant. "Police Station, Chipping Ongar, Essex." "THE COMMITTING MAGISTRATE." It really does seem very hard that, because JONES is robbed of a pennyworth of milk, one ha'porth of which must be chalk, a whole county is to be taxed to the tune of several pounds, for the purpose of bringing the thief to punishment. In addition to the sums mentioned in the above letter, there will be the expense of keeping him in gaol till trial, and during any imprisonment that may be inflicted on the culprit who has violated the sanctity of JONES's milk-jug. LORD CAMPBELL, who sees the working of the monstrous evil, has brought in a bill, giving to the Justices in Petty Sessions, and to the Metropolitan Magistrates, the power of dealing summarily with those paltry cases, which entail so much delay and expense on all parties concerned, from the prosecutor down to the prisoner. Of course, the proposed measure is met by a cry for the preservation of the good old privilege of "Trial by Jury;" which "good old privilege" would gladly be relinquished by nineteen prisoners out of twenty, who entreat the Magistrate to "dispose of the case at once;" and show a lamentable disregard of the blessings of the British Constitution, by begging that they may not be sent before a jury. These "twelve men in a box" who are popularly supposed to be the great palladium, &c., &c., of every petty thief accused with an offence, are in fact a bug-bear which criminals are generally anxious to avoid, for in those cases when they have the option of being sent to take their trial, they almost always "leave it to the Magistrate." As to prosecutors they are constantly trying to back out of prosecutions rather than incur the trouble and loss of going to the Sessions, and are quite angry sometimes with those Magistrates who will not exceed their powers by dealing summarily with matters over which they have no jurisdiction. To remedy these evils, LORD CAMPBELL has introduced a Bill, which will of course, be opposed by the habitual declaimers on the virtues of Trial by Jury-an institution of undoubted value, but its machinery is hardly required to try a culprit who is anxious to plead guilty, and who would much rather avoid being confronted with that formidable little party of twelve which is supposed to ensure the liberties of his country; though it is pretty certain to curtail his individual liberty by subjecting him to a lengthy imprisonment. Some are for limiting the operation of the new bill to London, but the proper course is to appoint fit Judges in the country, who may be relied on as thoroughly as the Police Magistrates in town, for surely that ought to be good for the provincial goose, which is desirable for the metropolitan gander. The old system is sometimes defended on the ground that the unpaid Bench in the counties forms a good school" for country gentlemen; but it is quite at variance with the spirit of the age, that this school for adults should be kept at a serious loss to the public, both in money and convenience. If the ignorance of the rural gentlemen needs enlightening, though we hope that such is no longer the case, the work of education might be done without burdening a prosecution for stealing a pennyworth of milk with several pounds expense, or saddling a county with enormous costs to vindicate the sacredness of property in a Swedish turnip. Different Circles of Civilization. WHERE there is a looking-glass in the room you will generally find a knot of Frenchmen assembled round it. Where there is a fire in the room you will generally find a group of Englishmen hanging in front of it, with the backs of two or three of them, their coat-tails uplifted, turned elegantly towards it. 66 HER MAJESTY'S FOOT." First Soldier. I say, who the Deuce has been eating all the Lean off being told by his friends that it would be impossible for him to resume this Pork? Second Soldier. I have. First Soldier. Then who the Deuce do you expect will eat all the Fat? Second Soldier (in the quietest manner).-Why, I will. AN old General, who was laid up very badly with the gout, upon his command, declared most positively that he was determined to go, goutte qui goutte. THE HEIGHT OF POLITENESS. Genteel Pickpocket (to Policeman). "I say, Policeman, your hanker[Takes the Fat, and eats it with evident glee and enjoyment. chief is hanging out-you'll lose it, if you don't take care." |