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it may inquire into anything. It's enough to disgust one with the Public Service. Do you know what the fellow refers to? He's got hold of some cock-and-bull story, I suppose-eh?

Perm. Assist. Sec. No-its true enough. It's young FANTAIL, LADY CROPPER'S nephew-you know. He had a probationary clerkship in the Bottle and Jug Department, but they couldn't make anything of him, and got rid of him somehow. And now they've berthed him here. Parliam. Assistant. Sec. Oh yes-I remember old GENERAL POUTER blew up about it one day in the lobby-and threatened all sorts of things if his nephew was'nt done justice to. I suppose he frightened the whips; and so we've got YOUNG FANTAIL. Well-what am I to say to PROBYN? Infernally troublesome fellow. I wonder what business it is of his ?

Perm. Assist. Sec. H'm. Of course you can't deny the fact. Parliam. Assist. Sec. No-but I suppose it doesn't follow that because young FANTAIL was incompetent for one office, he was incompetent for all. I can talk about the cruelty of blasting a young man's prospects at the threshold of his career-and so on. And then I'll pitch it in about old FANTAIL'S services.-He was something somewhere, once -wasn't he? At all events, POUTER'S the lad's uncle, and I can talk about him-and then I'll pitch into the Civil Service blue-book, and get a laugh out of that Oxford man,-what's his name? JOWETT's notion of the clerks in the public offices being examined in Latin and Greek, and Algebra-and their moral requirements. Oh yes, I can ride off capitally on the blue-book if it comes to the worst-old POUTER will make a whip for us! By the bye, if you can give me a couple of hours or so, this afternoon, I want you to put me up to the facts for HADDOCK'S motion about Newfoundland. Hang me if I've any association with the place, but fogs and cod fish. Come up into my room, there's a good fellow, and we'll go into it.

Perm. Assist. Sec. Eh-I've a dispatch here, to settle for to night's mail.

Parliam. Assist. Sec. Oh! never mind that-It'll keep till next month. The motion comes on to-morrow night, and I shall only just have time to cram for it-as it is.

Enter Messenger.

Messenger. MR. SKIMMINGTON, Sir.

Perm. Assist. Sec. Confound Mr. SKIMMINGTON-Say I'm particularly engaged.

Messenger. He brought a note for LORD EASINGTON, Sir.

Voice (down tube). See SKIMMINGTON, and be very civil to him.

Parliam. Assist. Sec. SKIMMINGTON by Jove-its SOFT's brother. You remember SOFT SKIMMY, at Eton, FAGGE? He's in for Swilbury. He sits below the gangway, with those conceited young fellows on the front bench-LAYARD's lot, you know-and we want to soap him over

Perm. Assist. Sec. But this brother of his, he's a regular bad bargain his friends are going to ship him off to the Cape. They want a district magistracy for him,-he's a most unfit person for it.

Parliam. Assist. Sec. Well, but we must have SKIMMY, for love or money: so do be civil to his brother. Has he got any testimonials? Perm. Assist. Sec. Oh, of course he has,-they all have. You don't suppose we go by testimonials! (Rings. Enter MESSENGER.) Ask in the Clerks' room for MR. SKIMMINGTON's papers. They should be with the gentleman who registers the testimonials. [Exit MESSENGER.

Perm. Assist. Sec. Seen that pamphlet of GREG's? Parliam. Assist. Sec. Oh, you mean "The One Thing Needful,"yes. It's smartly written enough, and there's some truth in it; but there's a fundamental blunder. His "One thing Needful" is a wellorganised Civil Service: Our "One Thing Needful" is Parliamentary Influence. These theoretical writers will never remember that Government in this constitutional country must have votes, and that votes must be paid for.

Enter SKIMMINGTON, JUN., a young gentleman of decidedly "raffish" exterior.

Parliam. Assist. Sec. (with great politeness). Pray sit down MR. SKIMMINGTON-I think we were at Eton together-or, no-it must have been your elder brother.-Well-we've had your papers under consideration-capital papers-in short, I don't remember to have seen a better list of testimonials altogether,(PERMANENT ASSISTANT SECRETARY nudges him) Eh? (Aside.) What is it?

Perm. Assist. Sec. (aside). Mind what you're at.-Don't commit yourself till we've seen 'em. Remember the STONOR case. Skimmington. Well-I don't know-Yes-I think they were a tidyish lot.

Re-enter MESSENGER.

Messenger (aside to PERMANENT ASSISTANT SECRETARY). Please, Sir, the gentleman as has charge of the testimonials is gone out, Sir, and he didn't say when he'd be back, and he's took the key of his drawers with him, Sir, and they can't get at the book, Sir.

Perm. Assist. Sec. Gone out-which of the gentlemen is it?
Messenger. MR. FANTAIL, Sir.

Perm. Assist. Sec. (aside to PARLIAMENTARY ASSISTANT SECRETARY). There that young FANTAIL again-he's off with the key of his drawer.

We can't get at SKIMMINGTON's testimonials, and really I don't remember anything about them. Tell him they 're under consideration. Parliam. Assist. Sec. I had hoped to be able to announce to you that your affair was all settled, MR. SKIMMINGTON: but we're obliged to be very particular now-a-days. However, you'll be glad to know your testimonials are under consideration,-I may add, under favourable consideration. Remember me most kindly to your brother. Say it gives me great pleasure at all times to oblige an old Eton chum, will you? Good morning. Call, let me see,-call any day next week. Perm. Assist. Sec. (to MESSENGER.) Will you say I shall be glad to see MR. FANTAIL when he returns?

Skimmington (brightening up). What! CHARLEY FANTAIL. Oh, he won't be back to-day. He and I have an appointment at two-at JEMMY SHAW's. There are some ratting sports to come off, and CHARLEY's backed his brown bitch "Jessy" against my "Crib." But I shall see him there;-and if it's any message I could takeParliam. Assist. Sec. No, thank you; it's of no consequence-good morning. [SKIMMINGTON bows and exit. Perm. Assist. Sec. (ironically). A nice youth that for a district magistrate. Parliam. Assist. Sec. (carelessly). Oh! he'll do for the Zooloos. Besides, we must have "SOFTY" off that bench below the gangway. Now, then, come to my room, that's a good fellow-about that Newfoundland motion. [Exit. [PERMANENT ASSISTANT SECRETARY glances at his half-finished draft-sighs-and follows his Parliamentary associate.

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HUMOURS OF THE MARKETS.

IN a somewhat lively article on the state of trade in America, we read that "Scotch pig continued dull." This remark occurs in a passage relative to iron; but to us it seems to smack of irony, at the expense of Scotland. We must confess that we never noticed in the Scotch Pig any more dullness than we have seen in the English Hog, or in the Sow of the Sou-West of Ireland. The same article tells us that "Provisions were without change;" a state of things we do not quite understand; and we suppose, therefore, that the purchasers were without change to pay for them. Returning to our mutton, or rather to our pork, we find that not only was "Scotch pig dull," but "o her descriptions were quiet." This is so far satisfactory; for any kind of pig when otherwise than quiet is excessively disagreeable. We have alluded to this matter chiefly for the purpose of protesting against the vagueness of terms employed in speaking of commercial affairs in the newspapers. Dull pigs, firm cotton, lively flour, and steady rum, are articles we confess ourselves unable to conceive with that exactitude which should belcng to all commercial details.

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THE LORD CHANCELLOR IN DANGER.

THE other day, as the LORD CHANCELLOR was delivering a judgment in the House of Lords, a terrific noise was heard on the roof, and his Lordship bobbed down his head with instinctive alarm, while the other Peers who were present, either rushed to the door or crouched beneath the benches for safety and for succour. An inquiry was instantly set on foot, and it was ascertained that a tremendous block had been permitted to fall on the roof through some error in the principle of what may be called STONE'S Conveyancing. His Lordship had been carefully going through a case, and dividing the beads, when his own head was nearly divided by a rocky mass, which illustrated the law of descent in a most effective manner. The Chancellor had just alluded to the custom of taking per capita when a crash was heard in the roof that induced several of their Lordships to take to their heels, leaving the Chancellor almost alone as a kind of "remainder man."

It is to be hoped that precautions will be taken to avoid in future these sudden alarms, which are conducive to neither the comfort nor the dignity of justice. We must entreat the masons employed about the House of Lords to be careful in preventing dry rubbish from being shot into the midst of a quantity of law, which is generally obscured enough by the dust of antiquity without any more dust being thrown into the eyes of the parties by such a casualty as that to which we have alluded.

66

Mr. Punch has looked very closely at the claw; which, upon inspection, shows that the Woolly Fluid and Telegraphic Hair Dye are alarming failures. There can be no doubt that both Fluid and Dye have been tried by our smart friend upon the boiled lobster claw to turn it from the dead scarlet to the living black. But the experiment is an alarming failure, quite as great as the smart attempt of our magnificent Boston friend to puff his "Pythoness Fluid and Meteoric Hair Dye" to a credulous generation by means of unsuspecting Punch. Therefore, Mr. Punch begs to return the lobster claw in a way most suitable to his own feelings.

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A YANKEE ATTEMPT TO "CLAW" PUNCH. LAST week arrived at Mr. Punch's office a neat, square, deal-box of American growth, brought to the Britishers by steam-packet. In this box was a lobster's claw, that-in the sublime imagination of the munificent donor-showed a resemblance to Mr. Punch. "By the advice of friends" the Boston owner of the claw transmitted the wonder to London, that it might be seen of Punch how his illustrious fame "not only covered the earth, but the vasty deep." This was really very touching homage from Boston to Fleet Street.

By the same packet arrived the Boston papers; wherein is duly advertised the capture of the lobster, and the determination of Mr. whose Medusa Fluid and Galvanic Hair Dye are meeting with a great sale in England," to present to Mr. Punch the claw aforesaid. This is smart-very.

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Nelson Vindicated.

generation is the absurd notion that NELSON was always sea-sick in a AMONG the numerous popular errors that descend from generation to Naval engagement. We take leave to deny the preposterous supposition, for we defy any body suffering from sickness at sea to give an order for anything except perhaps a glass of brandy and water-which he might accomplish by a convulsive effort. If NELSON had really been sea-sick at the Battle of Trafalgar, his celebrated speech delivered just before going into action would have come down to posterity in the following form:-"England (here! Steward!) expects (a basin!) that every man (Steward, I say!) this day will do (Steward!) his duty (basin!)"

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King Cliquot. "I SHAY OLE FELLOW-LET'SCH IN-I WON'T MAKE A ROW, AND I'LL SHSTAND

LOTS O'CHAMPAGNE."

MARCH 31, 1855.]

[PUNCH, No. 716.

GENERAL FAST AND GENERAL SLOW.

THE Government in earnest to war resolved to go;
So they appointed GENERAL FAST in aid of GENERAL SLOW;
And sure success and victory will crown our arms at last,
Since GENERAL SLOW will quickened be by dashing GENERAL FAST.
We soon shall make some progress in tanning Russian hides,
Now GENERAL FAST in joint command with GENERAL SLOW presides.
We're safe both OSTEN-SACKEN and GORTSCHAKOFF to beat;
As they've not only GENERAL SLOW, but GENERAL FAST to meet.

With GENERAL SLOW our forces had got into a scrape,
Because the gallant officer could not untie red tape;
Hence want of food and clothing, of fuel and of hut;

But GENERAL FAST will draw the sword, and that red tape-knot cut.
You know not half the wonders that GENERAL FAST will do,
Of every British rifle he'll make the ball fly true;
Besides imparting common sense to martinets and fools,
And making useful implements of good-for-nothing tools.

At fighting GENERAL SLOW is acknowledged unsurpassed;

Sunday, and maintain them in a state of siege, so that the inhabitants shall be penned up within their walls, prevented, utterly, from sallying forth in the profane quest of fresh air, and reduced to the necessity of either going to sleep or going to church-or of doing both.

Shortly after Easter, when the Sabbatarian majority of the House of Commons shall have set the example of covering up their own pictures and sculptures on Sunday, a resolution will be proposed for enveloping King Charles's statue at Charing Cross, that of the Great Duke, and the little Dukes', and all other public statues, with tarpaulins, from Saturday at midnight, to one second past twelve on the night of Sunday.

In the meantime, constituencies should watch the conduct of the Sabbatarian Members. If one of the 235 Saints who opposed the resolution of SIR JOSHUA WALMSLEY has his boots cleaned on Sunday, or takes a drive, or eats a warm dinner, unless by medical order, he is a humbug and a hypocrite, and unworthy of the suffrages of free and independent electors.

A NICE MAN FOR A NICE PLACE.
NEWSPAPERS often contain curious advertisements for a situation.
Here is one copied from the Morning Post :-

But yet the battle's better half must be fought by GENERAL FAST; MATRIMONY.-A Gentleman 34 years of age, highly connected,

He'll make the bastions crumble which bombs alone cannot;
He'll give our shells an impetus, a lift unto our shot.

Unto our Congreve rockets precision he'll impart,
Direct the Briton's bayonet to pierce the Russian's heart; '
And then our camp he'll purify from nastiness and stench,
And teach our soldiers how to cook and manage like the French.

And GENERAL FAST will do away with pedantry and form,
Which let our gallant soldiers freeze, with means to keep them warm;
He'll have the porter drawn and drunk to quench our heroes' thirst,
The wounded see attended to, and get the sick men nursed.

But GENERAL FAST to GENERAL SLOW in this our time of need,
Will render his assistance by being fast indeed ;
There's more for GENERAL FAST to do for GENERAL SLOW than kneel,
He must arise and stoutly put his shoulder to the wheel.

THE SUNDAY OF THE FUTURE. THE Sabbatarians have triumphed gloriously in the House of Commons. By a majority of 235 to 48 on SIR JOSHUA WALMSLEY'S motion, the House decided that the inspection of pictures and statues, and objects of natural history, in the National Gallery and the British Museum, shall be on Sunday a forbidden thing.

The House of Commons has thus asserted a great principle; from the practical acknowlegment of which, we are happy to announce, its majority on the motion of SIR JOSHUA will not shrink. The public will hardly be surprised to learn what we are about to state. On the contrary, it would, doubtless, be much disappointed at not receiving that information. The members of the majority against SIR JOSHUA WALMSLEY'S motion have unanimously agreed to exemplify their faith by their conduct, in debarring themselves of those gratifications which they think it their duty to deny others on a Sunday. The Sabbatarian representatives will really represent the people, excluded, by their votes, from the British Museum and National Gallery. Accordingly, they have mutually pledged themselves to observe the Sabbath, by turning every picture which adorns the walls of their own private rooms to those walls, or by covering it up with calico or brown-holland. All statues also, adorning their mansions or their grounds, will be carefully veiled on the same sacred day; and any stuffed animals or birds-even birds of Paradise-will be likewise put out of sight. Not exactly on that sacred day-we were wrong in saying so on the preceding night before twelve o'clock.

amiably disposed, prepossessing appearance, occupying a high social position, who, from his retired style of living, has not an opportunity of selecting a suitable partner, WISHES TO MEET WITH A YOUNG LADY of equal rank, elegant manners, and agreeable person, under 26 years of age, with £1,000 a-year in her own right, or £20,000. Should any gentlewoman possess sense enough to disregard the hollow system of fashionable life in the choice of a husband, she may obtain, what is often difficult to find, an honourable, warm-hearted and affectionate one, whose rank, character, and independence, are all that is desirable. The strictest honour may be relied on.Address "To PELHAM."

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The situation wanted by MR. "PELHAM" is of a domestic nature: still it is not a low, menial one, but one which would be pronounced, by persons inattentive to WALKER, high-menial. A hymeneal situation is that which "PELHAM" advertises for, at £1000 a-year, board wages. We should like to see 66 PELHAM," not only in order to know what that appearance is which its own proprietor describes as prepossessing, but also with a view to ascertain what sort of a person is that gentleman, who, although "highly connected," and "occupying a high social position," nevertheless has so limited a connection, and moves so little in society, that he, "from his retired style of living, has not an opportunity of selecting a suitable partner." The difficulty experienced by "PELHAM" in finding a partner suitable to his wishes is probably considerable youth, beauty, and £20,000, or £1000 a-year, are a description of goods at a high premium in the marriage-market. "PELHAM does not enter into particulars as to his own pecuniary means, but whatever they may be, it is quite manifest that he is an individual of large expectations. He had better limit them, as far as matrimony is concerned, to a reasonable measure: and be content with going for equal rank, and comfortable circumstances. A widow left in the object of hopes which might be regarded as not quite irrational. possession of a prosperous public-house, would perhaps be, on his part, At the same time we apprehend that "PELHAM" would have reason enough for contentment, should he succeed in obtaining the hand of a hollow system of fashionable life in marrying for a maintenance, middle-aged person, who, possessing sense enough to disregard the supports herself in a condition equal to his own rank by the industrious conduct of a mangle. In either case we would recommend the lady to satisfy herself of the willingness of her suitor to contribute, in the event of marriage, his exertions towards their common maintenance, and to make sure that "PELHAM" would not object to pull at the beer-engine, or turn the other machine.

The King of Prussia's Pledge.

IT has been suggested that HIS MAJESTY THE KING OF PRUSSIA should take the pledge. But what good would that do? He has broken too many pledges to the Allies to be expected to keep the pledge with the Teetotallers.

A WAG ON WAGNER.

It is quite clear that there is a good time coming-and very soon too. None now but respectable householders can get a draught of beer on a Sunday at the times when they are most likely to want it. This pleasing restriction of individual liberty was enacted last session. Parliament now refuses the public access to the works of art and nature on a Sunday: next we may expect that it will refuse that public all access to beer, except beer in private cellars; and conscientious Members will of course set the example of locking their own cellars, giving the key to the clergyman, and going without wine on that day. Kew Gardens will then be closed, and, of course, Hyde Park; for if to gaze on productions of genius be sinful, how much more sinful to stare at vanities, emblazoned chariots, superb horsemen, fine ladies, and finer flunkies, on the day of sanctity! Finally, at the termination of the war, when the question arises what to do with the army, which by that time will, perhaps, have been organised, that question will be settled by employing the army to invest our principal towns every it was an Act of no provisions at all.

We do not know what HERR WAGNER'S new musical theory may consist of, but we should say that "the Music of the Future" must be composed principally of "Promissory Notes," made payable at two, three, or six months after date.

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MUCH OF A MUCHNESS.-It is difficult to say whether is the worse, desponding view of war, or a BRIGHT one.

A PHENOMENON.-A Barrister refusing his Fee.

THE SHORTEST ACT ON RECORD.-The Act ordaining the Fast, for

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