WHO ARE THE PARTIES WHO WRITE TO THE HERNE BAY POLICEMAN. HERNE BAY. NOTICE. The following duties of the Policeman have been dictated by the Commissioners. THIS individual, who combines in his own person the offices of RITING to the Papers is a great claim, in the language of despotism, Le police c'est moi, has been made Superintendent, Inspector, Serjeant, and ordinary Man, who may exfact, though the writers have us the subject of a manifesto, which we give at full length, that the ally the smallest fact in the world -and very often none at all to travelling public may know the powers of him who wields at Herne Bay an undivided truncheon. This oilskin autocrat has no one to dispute with write about. Unintroduced, and decidedly unsolicited, the world has him the possession of that cape which descended on his shoulders a most uncivilised custom of rushing his uniform. The following is the manifesto alluded to:when he first assumed the purple-or dark-blue-which is the colour of into an editor's room, calling upon him to leave off saving the nation, or smashing Russia, or selecting a Cabinet, and take up the case of some uncouth beadle, uninformed marquis, or unbearable actor, at the shortest notice. The flood of volunteered paper which hebdomadally sets in upon some journals is perfectly awful. If correspondents would only send the same quantity, without any correspondence upon it, a most beneficial effect upon the market would be produced. It is a notorious fact that the enormous fortune which the humble official, or, as she herself would say, the charwoman, who clears out editorial rooms, makes out of such contributions (by arrangement with cheesemongers), renders it impossible for Punch, the Times, and some other leading journals, to keep the same servant more than a few weeks. Mr. Punch is always meeting some new old dowager in aristocratic society-she smiles most graciously upon him, very likely cheats him at cards-for his great mind will be absent, and thinking of ex-ministers when it should be remembering what knaves are out-and at the close of the game, observes, clutching his forfeited sovereigns, " You don't remember me, Mr. P." and then he looks again, and the royal memory serves him. It is either MRS. BAGGINS, or MRS. SLANK, or MRS. CHOWDY, or MRS. GUTCH, or somebody else in the infinite series of old women who have been enriched by sweeping out his office. دو "After Twelve o'clock to be in his uniform daily, to inspect the Town generally, from 1st of November to 1st of May, to have the entire direction of the roads subject to the orders of the Board; and in the event of his needing instruction or assistance in any matter not actually ordered by the Board to apply to the Clerk, who has a discretionary power. The Policeman is not to be bound to attend to the commands or directions of any individual Com missioner, he is strictly enjoined to enforce all the usual police regulations in respect to the Town generally, to prevent the assemblage of idle persons at the corners of the streets and elsewhere, and to enforce the regulations according to the notice, in reference to snow and other accumulations being swept from the fronts of houses; to remove all dogs that are a public nuisance, to attend to the summary removal of pigstyes, dung-heaps, and other filth and stray cattle, and to proceed before a magistrate when necessary; he is positively ordered to carry out his duties as regulated by the local act, without respect to persons. The Commissioners being determined upon the usages of the above regulations, the Policeman on his part neglecting in duty as directed herein, will incur the penalty of dismissal." BY ORDER OF COMMISSIONERS, W. WATSON, Clerk. Who are the people that, without being obliged to do so, inflict upon the foot of her Policeman, and has been satisfied to surrender her It will be seen from this notice that Herne Bay has placed itself at editors, and sometimes upon the public, the contributions that make liberties as the price of her tranquillity. It is true that there is an up this weighty mass of trumpery tribulation, tiny criticism and cavil, allusion to "the Board," as a sort of higher authority or Viceroy over unhappy jocularity, and egregrious absurdity? Nobody can tell. For the Policeman; but the Board of Herne Bay exists only in the mythothough editors demand cards, not necessarily for publication, but as logy of that brick-and-mortary wilderness. guarantee of good faith, what more do you know of a man when venture to assert himself as a member of the Board, the Policeman is to Should any individual you have read in copper-plate that his name is MR. OWLEY PIGGLES hurl defiance at his teeth, if he dares to show them, for the Herne Bay SPOON, 14, Little Crescentia Terrace, Hippopotamus Road, Hoxton, Czar is distinctly told that he is "not to attend to the commands or than you did before? Assuredly, nothing. The volunteer scribes are directions of any individual Commissioner." The powers handed over unknown as unknowing.' stitution to scorn, and to grin at Magna Charta through the Policeman's to this truncheoned functionary are such as to laugh the British Concollar. He is to "prevent the assemblage of idle persons at the corners of the streets," and indeed he is to exceed all the bounds of constituted authority; for he is to disperse mobs without reading the riot act. His powers over the brute creation are no less extensive than those he is to exercise over his fellow man, for he is " to remove all dogs that are a public nuisance," and he is to come down like an avalanche on all pigstyes. He is to start with all the alacrity of the huntsman after stray cattle;" and then, as if to unite the boundless powers of the autocrat with the insolence of the haughtiest of despots, he is to go about with scorn perpetually in his eye, for all "respect to persons" is strictly prohibited. It is true that there is a power of dismissal nominally reserved, but we warn Herne Bay that she has acted the part of Frankenstein, and created a Monster in the shape of a Policeman, that will not be easily dealt with when it begins to feel its power. Mr. Punch had some thoughts of offering a reward for the best living specimen of the creature who thus assails editors, the person bringing it contracting to take it away again as soon as it had been looked at. "Who ever saw a dead donkey ?" asks a classic author. Who ever saw a live Party who writes to the Papers? Comparative anatomy might help the searchers for either article to a common result. The Best Boots for Shooting. "MR. PUNCH,-Sir, You recollect FOOTE's celebrated story, which concluded by stating that 'the gunpowder ran out at the heels of their boots.' Pray, Sir, can you inform me whether the boots of the parties alluded to were what are called 'Ammunition Boots?' "I am, Sir, very respectfully, yours, Pumpington, Athenæum, "A YOUNG MAN WHO IS ANXIOUS TO Terms of Law and War. IN law you may have assault without battery, but you cannot have battery without assault. The reverse is the case in war, as instanced in the Crimea, where batteries have been playing, and little more than playing, for nearly six months, whereas no assault has been as yet attempted. PHYSIOLOGY FOR THE HORSE GUARDS. THE reports in the Lancet on the adulteration of food show that organised structures can be detected in the finest powders by means of the microscope; but we defy DR. HASSALL to detect any trace of organisation in the British Army. UPS AND DOWNS OF ENGLAND. THOUGH Our Government has made rather a mess of our Army, we may still look with pride at our Navy; and we have no right to continue in the dumps, when we see what a fleet we have in the Downs. THE medical students of St. Bartholomew's Hospital have shown a degree of pluck of a far higher nature than that which is sometimes exhibited by candidates for the Apothecaries' diploma. A letter in the Times states that at a numerous meeting of those gentlemen, held at the Albion Tavern, Aldersgate Street, the following resolutions were carried, among others : "That this meeting views with deep regret the want of sufficient medical aid in the Naval service; that in the opinion of this meeting, such want is owing to the present Admiralty regulations, so unjust to the assistantsurgeons, and so derogatory to the medical profession. "Though unwilling to throw any obstacle in the way of supplying that deficiency, this meeting resolves not to accept employment under the Admiralty while such regulations continue in force." Is this the time for medical men to stand upon their dignity? Now, when the enemies of our country, &c.; when our brave defenders, &c. Yes, this is just the time; there is no time for asserting their just claims like the present, when the Government cannot do without them, and must either do them justice or do without them. And as doing them justice is so very easy, whilst to do without them is so very difficult, it is to be hoped that the former alternative will be preferred to the latter. Hospital surgeons are invited to relinquish their private practices and proceed on temporary service to the Crimea, with temporary pay, and a small gratuity on the expiration of that service, to help towards their maintenance pending the recovery of their position at home. As if the practice of a surgeon were as easily recoverable as a greengrocer's business, and rather less valuable! How deeply engrained, what a fixed idea in the official mind it is that medical men are snobs, in the aristocratic sense of the word snob; that is, tradesmen in a small way! The compensation proposed for loss of practice, would about suffice the surgeon for the purchase of a set of instruments to begin the world anew with. Had Government, by the way, to purchase the instruments itself, it would probably include amongst them a case of razors; for aristocracy still, to all appearance, associates the surgeon with the barber. Justice for the Doctor! The country sympathises with those who bleed for it; nor will it refuse its sympathy to those who blister for it also. Pio Nono's Thunder. "MY LORDS ARE NOT AWARE." A'CLERK in public pay, Who understands Red Tape, And "I have the honour to be." Strong magic words are those, The grounds of coffee green, This brief reply gives he: And "I have the honour to be." It cannot be denied, The fact has made some noise, Our soldiers were supplied With underclothes for boys. The want of system there These words from blame will free:] "My Lords are not aware," And "I have the honour to be." If shot and shell were packed Above, and drugs below, At least, were not at sea; "My Lords are not aware,' And "I have the honour to be." That hay is horses' feed, Is to their Lordships known; Their Lordships cannot own. Our gallant soldiers die Like sheep, consumed with rot, Of course, my Lords know not. And "I have the honour to be." "My Lords," there is no doubt, Are not aware of much; Could we not do without Their Lordships, being such? JOHN BULL "my Lords" might spare: That's plain to you and me; "My Lords are not aware,' دو But we "have the honour to be." Stultification of the Forces. WHAT is the value received for the purchase money of a Commission? A scarlet and gold laced coat, the chance of being shot, and the interest of the sum: which might be more profitably invested. men who so employ their capital must belong It might be presumed that to the class of those whose money and selves are soon parted: and the only wonder is that, except in the Engineers and the Artillery, every British Officer is not a fool. DISTRESSING INTELLIGENCE. THE EMPEROR NICHOLAS is no more. May THE Legislature of Sardinia is engaged in the discussion of a project so ineffably monstrous and wicked as a Bill for the adjustment of Convents to the exigencies of the State. For this awful and appalling national crime his HOLINESS THE POPE only threatens to lay the whole nation under an interdict. And yet there are narrow-minded ridiculous bigots among us who are geese enough to think that it would be impolitic to allow the POPE's hierarchy we find thatin this country to "develop" their system. His end was Peace! "GENERAL FÉVRIER [PUNCH, No. 713. "RUSSIA HAS Two GENERALS IN WHOM SHE CAN CONFIDE-GENERALS JANVIER AND FÉVRIER."-Speech of the late Emperor of Russia. MARCH 10, 1855.] THE APOLLO SIMS INSURANCE. GENTLEMAN of a most speculative turn of mind, for the better protection of the public, proposes to establish an Insurance Society, to be called "The Apollo Sims Insurance; capital illimitable." We think the name, at least, admirably chosen it contains at once a compliment and a signification to a first-rate but-(we suppose it is the fault of our capricious climate)-very variable tenor. Last week St. Martin's Hall was crowded to hear APOLLO SIMS REEVES; and again PHOEBUS Was suddenly" indisposed. The object of the society denominated the "Apollo Sims" is to insure to persons who have taken concert or opera tickets, compensation in the event of sudden colds, catarrhs, measles, &c., &c., attacking the vocalists advertised to warble, but suddenly disabled. Of course the rate of insurance will vary according to the risk shown by the names of certain special performers. Thus, we never remember MADAME NOVELLO with a cold. We should as soon expect to find a sky-lark troubled by the thrush. Hence, tickets to the concert in which the distinguished, and most musical, and most punctual lady should be advertised, would require but the very smallest premium for the very highest rate of insurance. But rates of course must differ in a very great degree; and therefore we think the name of the "Apollo Sims very happily chosen. We wish every success to the institution. DAME DURDEN DILUTED. To be sung at all Cabinet Councils. DAME ABBY kept five serving-men to carry each Bill and Sham, She also kept those serving-men to harry the jaunty PAM. A WORD TO MR. LAYARD. RESPECTED SIR, THIS will never do. In the aromatic, flowery meads of Mesopotamia, you may be quite at home: you may delight in the fullness of your sagacity in a Nineveh mound: you may know all the political subtleties of a Sheikh-but you really know nothing of the means by which men rise to fame and fortune in the public service. You had better take ship for the East, and again betake yourself to the "ship of the desert," the old, Biblical camel-unless, indeed, you amend the simplicity of your ways, and become commonly astute among the official sons of men. We have a great respect for you: we thank you, spiritually, when we look upon your bulls: bulls, that in any other country-(but here we prefer golden calves)-would have been as animals drawing you in a car of triumph-but here it is otherwise; we are a practical, hardheaded and soft-hearted, and soft-headed and hard-hearted people. We wish to speak plainly to you, MR. LAYARD; and we tell you that you have presumptuously flown in the face of office. Having refused so many places, where do you think at last you will go to? You speak of having "the right men in the right places!" What! Would you have the world come to an end? How much wiser are certain words episcopal! "The world seems to me" says a certain old bishop-" as a board pierced with square holes and round holes and in the square holes are the round pegs, and in the round holes the square ones." Such is, indeed, the board and pegs of Cabinet work. Look at MR. FREDERICK PEEL-that very smooth, round peg. How patly he is fixed in the military square of the Secretaryship of War. And very properly too. For he has been brought up with a proper sense of official unfitness, and would put his squareness into any roundnesshis round into any square. The thing to be thought of is a place; no matter whether the place be circular or a place of equal angles. : And what-MR. LAYARD is your simplicity? You refuse the Ordnance because you understand nothing of the Ordnance Department. How very foolish! Had you accepted the appointment, you had nothing to do but to go and dine at Woolwich-having just walked through the arsenal-then to bed, and the next morning you would have come upon the world, a he-MINERVA. The very hairs of your head would have been turned to cheveux-de-frize, and you would have let your official words drop distinctly, weightily as single bullets. The Colonies were offered you, but you knew nothing of them. Therefore the Colonies you also refused. Surely you have not for There was JIM, and NED, and BILL, and DUKE, and SID (what was gotten your Robinson Crusoe? If so, another perusal of that charming he for?) And ABBY was a nice old girl to manage a Rooshian war. is wanted to mend the mess in the Crimea. work, with a dip or two into DAMPIER or CAPTAIN COOK, would have been quite sufficient for all official purposes. No: with preposterous obstinacy you stickle for work, and only such work that you understand; and the result is-you do not get it. Of course not. Why should you? Roundpeg stands in square holes; and consequently Squarepeg stands out. Good MR. LAYARD, be warned and instructed. Take any office; fitness comes after it. Even as (the milk flows to the mouth of the baby, so does knowledge flow from office. Be assured of it, in this motherly way does the State suckle her youngest-and sometimes oldest Ministers. Your friend and well-wisher, PUNCH. THE NEW PARISIAN HORSE ETABLE-ISSEMENT. Started recently on the GEOFFROY ST. HILARIOUS principles. Gentleman (examining the Horse-Carte). Here, Waiter, what have you got for dinner? Waiter. There's some capital Horse-tail Soup, Sir. Gentleman. No-never mind the soups; what joints have you? Waiter. There's a fine saddle, Sir, of Shetland Pony, in very good cut-there's a beautiful haunch of a two-year old, Sir, that's only just up-and there is, also, tête d'Etalon en tortue, and a very tender filly piqué à la Epéron, besides Cotelettes de Chevaux de Poste en papillottes, and some capital Pieds de Cabhorse aux truffes. Gentleman. Well then, bring me some of the latter-and Waiter, mind and tell the Cook to take the nails out. Louis Napoleon for the Crimea. THE Morning Post gives, perhaps the first authority for the truth of the Emperor's visit to Sebastopol. The Post's Correspondent meets one of the imperial scullions, who says-"Sir, I have this day packed and-" THE NEW CHIEF.-SOYER may be a good cook; but somebody else up the jam and the preserves!" Mystery of marmalade and currantjelly, what can it be? The Post's Correspondent cries-"The jam Hush," cries the turnsnit. "Hush! it is for our voyage to the Crimea ! We may find dead CESAR'S dust in a bunghole, says MILITARY ARISTOCRACY.-The common soldier is the red-herring, SHAKSPEARE. "You may discover"-infers the Post-"the living and the officer is the bloater. CESAR'S politics in a jam-pot!" |