FIVE MINUTES WITH A REGULAR DUSTMAN. A DAY or two before Christmas our morning muffin was seasoned by the attic or perhaps more properly speaking the garret-salt, wrapped up in the following Bill, which was placed side by side with our unread newspaper and our thoroughly red herring on our breakfast table. To the Worthy Inhabitants of LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, We the REGULAR DUSTMEN of this Parish, in the employ of Messrs. H. & S. BIRD, make humble application to you for a CHRISTMAS BOX, which you are usually so kind as to give;—we bring our Tokens, one, a Medal of Fredericus Borussorum Rex; on the reverse, a man striking another with a club. The second, a Medal with inscription "Fredericus Magn. D. G. Rex;" on the reverse, Fama, Prudentia et Vertutc. No connexion with Scavengers. Charles Stagg, and Thomas Tunks. CAUTION. As there are persons who go about with intent to Defraud us, and Impose on you, be so kind as not to give your Bounty to any Person, but to those who can produce the aforesaid Token. Please not to return this Bill. در در We returned from this interview with a consciousness that a hero is after all nothing but common dust. CANT IN CRYSTAL. THE late memorialists, who so pathetically appealed against the iniquities of Greek art as exhibited in the Crystal Palace, have not permitted Christmas to pass without making another practical appeal to the feelings of the Directors in favour of the nude condition of the statues at this inclement season of the year. We have been favoured (exclusively) with a copy of the letter of the intelligent and courteous GROVE, the Crystal Secretary, in final answer to the memorialists. runs as follows: It -- "The Crystal Palace Company, Crystal Palace, Sydenham. "GENTLEMEN, -Your letter,, with the various articles accompanying it, has been considered by the Directors at their meeting on Wednesday. "The Directors desire me to inform you that, although they have the profoundest sense of the intelligence and humanity that have induced you to send articles of attire for the various statues, at present wholly nude, they cannot accept contributions that, especially at the present season, would be far better applied elsewhere. "I am therefore directed to return the sheepskin coat forwarded for the wear of the Arcadian APOLLO; with, at the same time, the petticoat of Whitney flannel, and second-hand visite for the VENUS DE MEDICIS. Impressed with the caution conveyed through this Bill, we determined that the "regular dustman" should not be defrauded by our heedlessly coming down with the dust in favour of some "irregular individual, tainted not only by irregularity, but by a "connexion with We therefore resolved to see the dustman claiming to scavengers. be my regular mine own," and we anticipated the pleasure of an interview with one whom we supposed had in some way earned the right to a medal with such a motto as Fama, Prudentia et Virtute" attached to it. CC On the morning of boxing-day we accordingly descended to an interview (we don't mean to imply any degradation on our part, beyond our simply going down stairs), and we at once asked the hero of a hundred dustyards to produce his medal. Our demand was willingly complied with by a veteran whose cheeks were like ashes, and whom we proceeded to sift by a few searching questions. Puzzled how a dustman could have become decorè in England, though we have heard Not she: and, therefore, with a sweet simplicity that touches upon of honours having been formerly showered on those whose name is Legion in France, we enquired of the honest fellow what were the the human sympathies of the beholders,--Bo-Peep, having once or twice services he had performed to entitle him to wear his medal. We anti- melodiously sneezed, conveys to the tip of her musical little nose an cipated the possibility of his having been present at the sacking of some unguent from the domestic taper. This done, Bo-Peep, with no more city, whose ashes he might perhaps have aided in removing, but the ado, goes fearless in her innocence to bed; and ere the cricket can only reply we could get from the modest veteran as to how he had won chirp thrice, Bo-Peep is folded to sleep. his medal was simply this, "I bought this 'ere medal for eighteenpence of a Jew in Marrowbone Lane." As though a rose could shut, and be a bud again." It is then that Scruncher, the wolf-captain, enters with his wolfpack; it is then that, after a fierce struggle, Bo-Peep is in peril whenMISS MARY BROWN takes the place of MISS LYDIA THOMPSON, and the Pantomime begins. A "BO-PEEP" WITH BUCKSTONE. THANK YOU, JOHN BALDWIN BUCKSTONE, Lessee of the Theatre Royal, Haymarket. Very good; and thank you, heartily. We have never seen a prettier thing; one that dallies more with the innocence of childhood and youth than Little Bo-Peep, the sweet little Arcadian blossom that now comes so mincingly forth to render her curtsey at the lamps of Christmas. She is the Little BoPeep, whose story has opened millions of baby eyes with curiosity and wonder; a Bo-Peep that seems to have been fed on lilies and roses, and refreshed with a morning bath of honey-dew. A Bo-Peep, that with her choice prettiness takes us away, away, up into the heights of fairyland: heights that lie nearer heaven. And very nicely, very deliberately is the story of Bo-Peep done for this same real play-house; real as the money-box of the money-taker; and yet, for the time, made a messuage or tenement of fairy-land itself. Beautiful Bo-Peep has about her a charming crowd of shepherds and shepherdesses, bright and innocent as the flowers of Arcady while her sheep have a fullness of form, and a length and delicacy of fleece, that would cause them to carry away the prize (whatever it might be) at any sheep-show in the realms of Apollo. For Bo-Peep herself with her sheep, go and see her, and you will own with MR. WILLIAM WORDSWORTH that she is "A young lamb's heart amid the full-grown flock." and wishes when we know that Scruncher, Gnasher, Crasher, Howler, And, therefore, do we incontinently guard her with our sympathies and others of like melodiously significant names are the men wolves, the very sharp lupine attornies, with sharpest teeth, made ready for the choicest mutton: whilst who can think, without shuddering, of the dreadful uses to which the parchment of those singularly large and snowy-fleeced sheep may be inexorably perverted! Thus does our interest rise and rise for Bo-Peep. Our heart dances is about to divest herself for bed. with her; our tenderness follows her. She enters her cottage. She night-cap, shaped by Arcadian fairy, from so much moonlight, seaShe dons an aggravating little sonably adding thereto a night-jacket of the same pure material. But little Bo-Peep is "not too bright or good But our notice terminates with Bo-Peep. The "Grove of Golden Laburnums" we take to be the painted dream of Little Bo-Peep; and it is a vision worthy of the little enchantress! (Holiday reader, go and see her; if married and with children, take send other men's babies; if you are alone in the world, and, therefore, your wife and the babies: if not married, and consequently childless, rows of the gallery for the Parish Children of St. Red Riding-Hood.) a "blighted being," write a letter to the churchwarden, and take a few Finally, complete in its beauty is the acted, painted history of Little Bo-Peep. Hard labour, making holiday for a night, may be witched with it; and leaning forward on fustian sleeves, the while the shepherds and shepherdesses, bright and glancing as humming-birds, dance before him, say-" And I, too, am in Arcadia!" Again, thank you, MR. BUCKSTONE. The neighbourhood of the Haymarket ought in acknowledgment of your Christmas doings to present you with a testimonial plum-pudding. LORD JOHN RUSSELL says that there is one bit of truth in the Austrian treaty, and that is at the end, where the name of the representative of England is coupled with the words "Done at Vienna." BURGLARIOUS JOCOSITY.-Q. What Bar is that which often opens, but never shuts ?-4. A crow-bar. PHILOSOPHY! We can understand a good deal of Philosophy being required by a manager, even of Marionnettes, and we therefore perused with some curiosity the note which follows: "SIR,-M. COYTEUX has the honour to announce that he intends giving FOUR PUBLIC LECTURES, to which the admission will be gratuitous, upon a NEW SYSTEM OF PHILOSOPHY, of which he is the Author, and which overthrows all the different Systems which have hitherto been brought before the Public attention. These Lectures will be delivered in French, and be translated during their Progress into English." We have not the pleasure of the acquaintance of M. COYTEUX, but we can perceive in him some of the elements of true Philosophy, for by making his Lectures gratuitous, he shows that he either despises lucre, or sets his Philosophy down at its true value, or acts on the conviction that Philosophy is an article without a price in the market. Various Philosophers have had various titles, such as the Peripatetic, the Epicurean, and a hundred others; but as M. COYTEUX undertakes to overthrow all other schools, and smash every blessed Sage that ever ventured to open his mouth, we have given to the Marionnette Philosopher the title of "the Slasher." SAYINGS FOR CIRCULATION. A Monster Nuisance to the human race. We regret we were not able to be present at any one of the four turns-up between the Adelaide Gallery Pet and the PLATO who might be termed on this occasion the Athenian Snob, or PALEY, whom we may be justified in alluding to as the Cambridge Chicken. We should like to have been present to have seen SOCRATES, LOCKE, HOBBES, and a few others set up as skittles for COYTEUX to bowl them all down, in fulfilment This fact, to you and me that seems so trite, A common Murderer for his crime we hang; Of many bravoes: let them fear his frown: Ah! why should brave men cut their brothers' throats Who, whilst they perish, safe from scratch or scrape, Pass it on! A PHILOSOPHIC SLASHER. of his pledge to effect an indiscriminate overthrow of "all the different systems of philosophy which have hitherto occupied the public attention." It must have been a treat to have witnessed the philosophic We were lately rather amused by receiving a notice dated from the Slasher among the intellectual giants of every age, weight, and size. Royal Marionnette Theatre, and headed 66 though we cannot conceive how he could have polished the whole of 66 66 O fools to break each other's bones! O blind! A word from mouth to mouth will travel far. 66 The Lady of the Woods." COLERIDGE calls-"The birch the lady of the woods." We learn from The Englishwoman in Russia (let all Englishmen and all Englishwomen consult its teeming pages) that, under the gallant sway of NICHOLAS, COLERIDGE'S "ladies of the woods" and ladies of the Court of St. Petersburg are, at times, very unceremoniously made known to one another. Epitaph upon a Prize Pig, died from over-feeding, HERE rests his head upon a lump of earth A pig to cattle-shows and prize-lists known: Change for Spanish. IT is said that we are to have a Spanish legion as a reinforcement for the Crimea. We propose that if such be the case, their pay should be made over to British holders of Spanish bonds. They having bled in the cause of Spain, it is only fair that they should have the price of Spanish blood in return. SLAVES OF THE RING. 66 66 a sight, and the Editor of Bell's Life, in an agony of shame, prints EOPLE have indulged in un- Pugilism we may especially refer to as being in a very healthy condition. Several fights took place "My dear Mr. Punch, just before the great' Christian Festival, and six or seven are "fix- signed tures" for the present month. A SINGLE MAN. Not that I approve of any man being single: "I WAS so delighted to see a letter in the Times the other day We have had great pleasure in perusing the details of two.of these quite the reverse.. I think them odious selfish wretches, and what contests. One of them, between gentlemen of the names of BARRY pleased me was this one complaining that he could get no wine or grog and NooN respectively, was an event "looked forward to by the his inn that he went to, the moment it was half-past two o'clock. And to drink after dinner on Christmas Day, because they turned him out of Sporting World with unusual interest and curiosity." MR. BARRY was comparatively untried, but MR. NOON (whose conversational another, by the name of SECOND FLOOR,' in the next day's paper, also powers are stated to be very brilliant-he is described as that "chaffing wanted his dinner, and was very near not getting any at all. I am glad complained that he could find no place open for a long time when he gentleman,") has fought eight battles, and has never had a black eye. they were annoyed and put to inconvenience, both of them: the mean The fight in question took place on Tuesday, the 19th of December. The preliminaries were performed in London. MR. BARRY, on stripping not having the money they ought to get it: and then there are men. It served them right for not marrying. Don't tell me of their to be weighed, "looked in magnificent condition, but as his wont, was hundreds of thousands of young men in the same shameful position of very reserved." His "broad, square shoulders and chest, gradually tapering out to his waist, were covered with knots of hard muscle celibacy for the same reason, which really is not want of means, but which stood out in bold relief. His well turned symmetrical legs were those nasty taverns they go to and drink their stout beer and regale not less indicative of his capabilities." upon their mutton-chops and beef-steaks. Now at least there is one day in the week, and one or two more in the year, when they are shut, just MAN' and 'SECOND FLOOR' were wandering about Town in the wet, at dinner time, out of their coffee and chop houses. When 'SINGLE hungry and miserable, I hope they reflected that if Single Man' had been married, and Second Floor' had taken a MRS. FLOOR to himself, they might then have been sitting, after their pudding and beef, sipping their wine at the domestic hearth and a nice fire. I wish every day was Sunday as far as the Sunday Bill, to keep all those young lawyers, and medical students, and scribbling authors and writers and reporters, your Coal Holes and Dust Bins and Dicks and Joes, and Rainbows and Garrets: as well as Second Floors, without refreshment, by stopping their Cheshire Cheeses. That would teach them to value the comforts of home: but there is one thing more that Parliament ought to do. Now they have closed the taverns so many hours on Sunday (just at dinnertime) they ought certainly to close the clubs too, so as to give the young men of the aristocracy a taste of single blessedness on the Sabbath, which, that they may fully enjoy it, is the fervent wish of "Jan. 1855. "A MOTHER." "P.S. It is not because I have five grown up daughters at home that I write the above; but from sympathy with others." So much for the reserved gentleman. The chaffing gentleman had also his peculiar merits. He had been obliged to have recourse to severe measures to bring himself down to weight" (nine stone two, if any lady reader would like the information), and every rib was visible. He had trained at Rottingdean, and we are given to understand had to take an immense deal of work, and put the muzzle on for the last day or two. For this privation however he fully compensated as 300n as the ceremony was ended, and we understand that so ferocious were his attacks upon a leg of mutton which had been provided for his dinner, that it required the aid of a Stanhope lens to discover the meat he left upon the bone. Whether this statement as to his voracity be true we cannot say." To avoid mistake, or suspicion of joke, Mr. Punch begs to state, distinctly, from the allusions to a 'muzzle,' "ferocity," and "voracity," that the journal whence he takes his information is not speaking of a beast but of a man. He is "an aggravating customer, but generally liked for his excessive generosity when possessed of the means.' 66 A School for Actors. We shall not linger over the fight, our object being less to supply a detailed account of it, than to comfort and re-assure those who deemed that true British sports were on the decline. But it may be interesting to say that both champions came up to their work in style, and "toed the scratch" at a quarter past two. After some very pretty dodging (we condense the report, but preserve the phraseology) MR. NOON crept close, dashed out his left on the mouth of MR. BARRY, but the latter cross countered beautifully with his right on the side of By the statutes of the founder of Westminster School, QUEEN MR. NOON's wig-block. Later, MR. NOON removed the bark from the ELIZABETH, it was, we are informed, decreed that an English play as side of MR. BARRY's snout with his nails-an accident which led to well as a Latin one should be annually performed, for the improvement unpleasant remarks. The ruby (blood) became perceptible. MR. of the scholars as to their pronunciation and manner of speaking. If NOON caught MR. BARRY on the snorter, and received a nose-ender in this idea had been acted properly out, considerable advantage might have return. MR. BARRY effected some heavy deliveries in MR. NOON's accrued therefrom to the British Drama, which would not perhaps ribs, and cross-countered him on the side of his nut. MR. BARRY let have been so frequently murdered by performers whose pronunciation is go his left on the potato-trap; and MR. NOON got on MR. BARRY'S incorrect, and whose manner of speech is ridiculous. damaged speaking-trumpet, but was countered on the right peeper. Regular ding-dong fighting. After which MR. B. got to MR. N.'s larboard goggle. Mutual fiddling followed, and ultimately the cha ling gentleman, finding his match in the reserved gentleman, declined further WE are beginning to reap the reward of the close alliance between fighting for the time. The contest was renewed on the following the people of France and ourselves. We are to write to one another Saturday, but we regret to say that the proceedings were, this time, at the cost of eight sous instead of twenty. What a happy man is less satisfactory. Both of the British champions, whose noble courage ROWLAND HILL! In due season and throughout the civilised world, and glorious hardihood it was fondly hoped would set a brilliant his genius will assert itself in cheap postage. France and England example, made "a disgraceful exhibition of cowardice." After a blow as a beginning exchange fourpenny letters: may they never again or two, they kept aloof, and neither reproaches, threats, nor promises exchange forty-two pounders! May the paper exchanged by them could make them approach. One of the seconds cried at so humiliating always be post, and never, never cartridge! Between Bull, Crapaud, and the Post. SUNDAY FOR THE SINGLE. ALBERT SMITH for instance, who in a former lecture discovered that "straps belonged to the dark ages of dress trowsers" has never yet taken up his fellowship though invited to submit to the dignity. MARY WEDLAKE who has for nearly a hundred years, with all the sweet pertinacity of woman, asked of dumb generations-"Do you Bruise your Oats yet?" has hitherto rejected the initials. MR. CHARLES KEAN as the importer of the oldest translations from the East End remains undecorated. He has moreover played the Corsican Brothers until one brother is totally bald, and the other brother grey-headed, and yet we never heard that he had availed himself of the smallest admiration (for which he is ever grateful) conveyed in the antiquarian letters. The Niam-Niams, or tailed men, exhibited by DOCTOR KAHNT are-we hear about to assume the initials; which must be thought the more selfishly preposterous, seeing that they have already appendages of their own. A distinguished cheesemonger, elected on the strength of his oldest and bluest Stilton, has, we hear, received an intimation from the Council, that his election is not valid: not from any wanted age in the cheese, as was anticipated; but from the fact that, one of the fifty sovereigns paid by him for F. S. A., has been found a bad one, a fact that, with all the audacity of a shopkeeper, he has ventured to deny. The man declares that the sovereign was good when he paid it; however it may have suffered since from disreputable company. He nevertheless continues to mark his cheeses with the initials of the Society, F. S. A., -which he contemptuously renders-"Fine Aged Stilton." Since writing the above we have heard that the Council are in possession of the names of twenty miserable offenders, all of whom have, without authority, used the F. S. A. They will be proceeded against with all the rigour of the law. The historical gridirons of Smithfield will be red again. BUBBLE AND SQUEAK. I AM a man who dwell alone, I had a boiled salt round of beef From day to day, for near a week, Of cold boiled beef the daily round, And then the beef was getting dry; KING GEORGE THE FOURTH was not a dunce The KING had oft on Turtle dined, As I have sometimes chanced to do, We both, to think I am inclined, The less enjoyed it of the two. So large with what it fed on grew My whetted appetite's increase, That 'twas as much as I could do To leave my dog a little piece. And even when I gave him that, I muttered in a doubtful mood,* "Is this quite right now-what I'm at, In giving you, Sir, Christian food? The dish at which I've pegged away, They in the cannon's mouth do not But Bubble, not of empty air, And Squeak that's more than idle sound, Soon may those gallant heroes share At mess on Russia's conquered ground! The Rose and the Mistletoe. A REMARKABLY intelligent young botanist of our acquaintance asserts it as his firm conviction, strengthened by his public observation, not the less than by his private experience, that plants have a decided influence upon the actions of mankind in general, and of womankind, perhaps, in particular. In illustration of this axiom, he adduces with some shrewdness the indisputable fact, that many a delicate young lady who would shrink, with maiden modesty, from being kissed under the mistletoe, has yet not the slightest objection to that ceremony if it be performed under the rose. Printed by William Bradbury, of No. 13, Upper Woburn Place, in the Parish of St. Pancras, and Frederick Mullett Evans, of No. 27, Victoria Street, in the Parish of St. Margaret and St. John, Westminster, both in the County of Middlesex, Printers, at their Office in Lombard Street, in the Precinct of Whitefriars, in the City of London, and Published by them at No. 85, Fleet Street in the Parish of St. Bride, m the City of London.-SATURDAY, January 6, 1855. URQUHART'S VIEWS OF PALMERSTON. cannot quite understand how, if MR. URQUHART'S statement be true, he remains in his present insignificant, not to say contemptible position. However, that is a matter of small consequence-our own object is to expose the hideous turpitude of LORD PALMERSTON by explaining the spirit of the URQUHART Revelations. Q. You are familiar with the history of the VISCOUNT PALMERSTON ? 1. I am. Q. Will you do the Committee the favour of explaining the policy of that statesman, and of pointing out its evils? 4. Don't use such feeble language, you stupid fellow. Ask precise questions. Q. IS LORD PALMERSTON a statesman ? A. No, he is an utter donkey. Q. Is he a patriot ? 4. No, he hates England, and has sold it to Russia. Q. Is he a man? A. No, he is an old woman. Q. Is he an amiable, philanthropic persopage? 4. No, he is a vengeful, malignant, merciless oppressor. 2. Does he understand Foreign Affairs? 4. Not in the least. I do not think that he knows the White Sea from the Black Sea. A GRATEFUL RETURN. MR. URQUHART, we observe, has been 2. Can he speak French? 4. Not a word. The commonest despatch has to be translated for him by a clerk. 2. Has he the ear of the House of Commons? 4. Not in the least. When he rises men either leave the Houseaddress themselves to private conversation, or go to sleep. Whereas, when I used to rise-but never mind that. Go on to the next question. Q. Who burned the Houses of Parliament ? A. LORD PALMERSTON. 2. Who destroyed the MARR and WILLIAMS families in Ratcliffe Highway? A. LORD PALMERSTON. Q. Who sunk the Royal George? 1. LORD PALMERSTON. 2. Who causes all the Railway Accidents ? 1. LORD PALMERSTON. VOL. XXVIII. Q. Who told the Russians to surprise us at Inkermann ? 1. LORD PALMERSTON. Q. Who caused the Irish Potatoe Crop to fail? 4. LORD PALMERSTON, availing himself of his opportunities as an Irish landowner. Q. Who encourages all the Italian Organ-men? A. LORD PALMERSTON, from his friendship for MAZZINI and the Revolutionists. Q. Who poisons the Bon-bons for Christmas parties? 1. LORD PALMERSTON, from his hatred for the religion to which the festival belongs? Q. Who refused MR. URQUHART a place, on the ground that he would be "neither mentally nor ornamentally an acquisition to HER MAJESTY?" A. LORD PALMERSTON-no-I don't mean that. He did no such thing. Turn the Reporters out. [Catechism ends. с THE ORIGINAL BLIGHTED BEING. Interesting Domestic Discovery. IT was NAPOLEON, or MADAME DE STAEL, who said that "if you scratched a Russian, you would find a Tartar underneath." JONES (of Marylebone) goes further than this, for he says "that he has only got to scratch his wife, and he catches a Tartar instantly." |
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