OUT! JOHN? OUT! JOHN ? A Favourite and Popular Song, as Sung at the St. Stephen's Theatre, by the RIGHT HON. THE EARL OF ABERDEEN, K.G. OUT! JOHN? Out! JOHN? What are you about, JOHN? All assert we've mulled the war, Out! JOHN? Out! JOHN ? What's the mighty grievance, JOHN, Burked your little bill? The little bill of mild Reform, I couldn't have believed, JOHN, Out! JOHN? Out! JOHN? Was it that you held a place WAR COMPANIES WANTED. RAY tell us where are all the Army Contractors? Are there none of them possessed of capital and spirit enough to combine in a firm, or start a company, for the purpose of contracting with the nation to do the Army?not as the Army is done by the Government, by which it has been so shamefully done as almost to be done for, but as the Army ought to be done by. Somebody must lead the van of military reform, and if MESSRS. PICKFORD had been employed for that purpose, we should not have had our brave soldiers before Sebastopol in a state which may be compared to that of starvation on Hampstead Heath, with shiploads of food and clothing off Hungerford Pier. As far as the conduct of the war is concerned, it is to be feared that any Ministers we are likely to have will resemble the fountains in Trafalgar Square, which are inconsiderably ornamental, quite useless, and do nothing but spout, though the fountains only spout a little, and the members of the Cabinet will probably spout much. The operation of Governments, for many years, has mainly consisted in withstanding the demands of the nation as long as possible, and giving them ultimately a bungling effect. Fancy what a job, in every sense of the word, either ABERDEEN and Co., or DERBY and Co., would have made of the Crystal Palace. How many breaks down would have occurred by this time? and perhaps at the present moment the building would be a heap of ruins, having tumbled to pieces yesterday for the tenth time, and buried all the workmen, Private energy, evidently, is alone to be depended on for the prosecution of any great enterprise; and if this war is to be brought to a successful termination, it must be taken up by capitalists, and carried on by the agency of speculative bodies, such as a "Sebastopol Capture Company," a Crimean Investment Association," or a Cronstadt Reduction and St. Petersburg Occupation Society." As Parliament must do something, it had better immediately pass an Act encouraging the formation of Joint Stock Anti-NICHOLAS Companies, with limited liability, for the purpose of doing the business of the Government by abating the Russian nuisance. In the meanwhile, we do not demand that any heads should be brought to the block for the mismanagement that has entailed such loss and suffering on our army. Between the head and the block, in the case of the culprits, there is already too fatal a connexion. Transportation, however, we do think, is a penalty richly deserved by the guilty parties, and the proper way of inflicting it would be to send them to the Crimea, and assign them to a "Balaclava Conveyance Company," to be harnessed to carts filled with provisions and clothing, or hitched on to wooden huts, and compelled to drag these loads to LORD RAGLAN'S forces up hill. This would be causing them to repair, What in reason, gentle JOHN, Out! JOHN? Out! JOHN? Very much I fear, JOHN, So I ought to know 'em Come, my JOHNNY, let's shake hands, Out! JOHN? Out! JOHN? in their own persons, the neglect of not having provided draught horses, and then we are sure public opinion will bear us out in the remark, that those who were so stupid as to make that omission, afforded the best substitutes for the horse that could be found-next to the mule. "LOOK ON DISS PICTURE." Negro Hamlet. LORD CAMPBELL has been coming down with some force upon the Eastern Union Railway Company. It appears that the Directors of that Company, in order to crush certain competition, carry people from Colchester to Norwich, a distance of 60 miles, for five shillings. But on the road is a place called Diss, which is a diss-tance of only 40 miles, but as there is no competition in the conveyance to this place, the Company charge seven shillings for taking you two thirds of the journey, the whole of which they will take you for five. A gentleman living at Diss, takes a Norwich ticket, paying the lower sum, and as the train stops at Diss, he gets out there, and tenders his ticket. The Company cannot bear to part with him so soon, unless he will hand over the extra two shillings, and as he refuses this, they get some Colchester justices to display a little of the usual wisdom of country justices, and convict him in a penalty under an inapplicable bylaw. Appeal is made from Colchester justice to the shop where a better article is to be had, and the decision of the Colchester natives is upset. LORD CAMPBELL said that the traveller had bought his ticket for Norwich, and had paid all that was demanded, and that he had a right to get out at any intermediate place where the train stopped. It certainly appears to Mr. Punch that the shabbiness of the Company, in lowering its fares in order to crush rivalry, and refusing the benefit of the selfish manoeuvre to a traveller because it is supposed he cannot help himself, is only equalled by its assurance in claiming a right to imprison an un-offending party in a railway carriage during the time it pleases the management to take in going 20 miles. He hopes other Companies will take warning by the moral lesson which, unluckily for the Eastern Union, "By Gloomy Diss was gathered." OURSELVES RUSSIAN SPLES. How much do the spies of NICHOLAS cost him in England? A very few copecks probably would exceed the figure. Why should he spend any money on spies when he gets all the information with which they could furnish him, and more, in the Parliamentary debates, and the newspapers? We make him a present of disclosures, such that, for supplying us with anything corresponding to the least important of them, he would certainly cause any subject of his own to be knouted to jelly. What a pity it is that we can't hold our tongues, and restrain our pens a little-which we might do, perhaps, if our affairs were in the hands of administrators to whom we could trust them. But it is better to cry out and let the CZAR hear us than to be quiet and go to the deuce. SHOCKING SHIFTS OF BARRISTERS. OTHER day an old woman was charged with pawning the shirts of a barrister. We use the word "shirts" advisedly in the plural number, for if we are to believe the statement of the pawnbroker, the fact of a barrister having more than one shirt to his back is not always to be taken for granted. Some remark having been made on the carelessness of the pawnbroker in taking into pledge the linen of a member of the English Bar, it was urged in excuse that the barristers are always pawning their shirts, and other items of their wardrobe. We know that business has been bad in Westminster Hall, but we will not believe for one moment the monstrous assertion that the English Bar is partially supported by advances of an avuncular character. We have reason to know that even BRIEFLESS would rather shed his last halfpenny than unbosom himself by tearing off his shirt, and placing it in the hands of a pawnbroker. According to the unfair statement at Bow Street it would seem that the chief practice of the Bar is derived from the practice of pledging its body linen. We recommend a public meeting of the profession to hurl this calumny back at the head of anybody and everybody who dares to give it currency, and we would propose that every barrister should not only be served with notice to produce at least half-a-dozen shirts, but should also be called upon to pledge his honour that he is not in the habit of pledging his wearing apparel. CULINARY ENLISTMENT. JUDGING from the letters which have recently been published, and which may, doubtless, be received as letters of credit, we should think that "good plain cooks" were never in so much demand as they are before Sebastopol just at present. For want of proper knowledge and appliances, it seems our raw recruits have been reduced to eat their rations in a similar condition, while the oldest campaigner has found it rather difficult to dress a dinner for one without making a mess of it. Indeed, one of "our own correspondents" last week, tells us : "I shall scarcely exaggerate, I think, in saying that with the exception of their biscuit, the men have been for weeks entirely living upon uncooked victuals. Through scarcity of fuel, and perfect ignorance of cooking, to say nothing of the absence of all culinary apparatus, the beef and pork is swallowed usually, just as it is served out, and in many cases, I have known even the coffee has been eaten, without so much as being roasted." "Every man his own cook" has, we know, been long the rule of the Service, but we think it is high time for us to take exception to it. Its effect is simply to make many do the work of one, which, to say the least, is bad economy of labour, and indeed in culinary matters is proverbial for ill success. We own we have not placed much faith, as yet, in the Foreign Enlistment, but we believe the Service would do well to enlist a few French Cooks into it. Let M. SOYER be empowered at once to raise a Legion of them, and proceed forthwith to the Crimea with his culinary corps. We are sure our Army would be much more strengthened by getting, regularly, well-cooked food to eat, than by having any number of fresh forces sent them, to become, in short time, as they now do, weaknesses. By having their dinners well-dressed, our troops will doubtless be the better able to extend that process to the enemy, and if we really mean to carry on the war to the knife" (and fork), we question if a better plan than this could be devised for doing so. A PRESENT FOR THE CRIMEA. દ We have sent out presents and hampers in profusion for our brave Army, and it is time, we think, to consider what is the best hamper we can send out to the Russian Army. If we had the packing of this hamper, we would have it to consist of1st, the very best Commander-in-Chief, that could be found in the kingdom; 2nd, of the very best Staff, that could be selected out of our military schools; 3rd, of the very best Commissariat, that could be formed upon the French plan; and 4th, of the very best troops, that could be spared out of the country. That is the kind of hamper we should like to give the Russian Army, and we would warrant that its contents would give every Cossack, the moment they attacked it, such a jolly good bellyful, that they would never forget it as long as they lived-that is to say, if they happened to survive it at all. A Teetotal Waistcoat. A TAILOR Somewhere in the north is trying to tack himself on to the teetotal interest by advertising what he calls his alliance vest," which he says is "particularly adapted for ministers and lecturers." We cannot imagine any peculiar cut in a waistcoat to adapt it to a teetotaller, and as to the quality of the article, its best recommendation would consist in its being waterproof-an attribute that the bosom of a Teetotaller would revolt against. WATERLOO AVENGED. "GENERAL CANROBERT has placed at the disposal of LORD RAGLAN Joint perils, common ends. Twin laurels Victory blends- And if at length each English heart The curse to every tongue- By our own sting we're stung. To bless French aid what man was slow Debts of the sword brave souls may owe, For pauper dole should pray- And this, while proffering all her gold, And these gone, to give more: The means, that they who have fought and bled One memory, it hath been said, Rankles each French heart through, Paid by the charity that runs To clothe shamed England's starving sons! Arouse,-Oh England!-rouse for shame- Enough of Lords in name-find out Clear brains, and undistraught with doubt, Pluck forth thy hand from red-tape gyves, Perceptive Child. "MAMMA, DEAR! WHY DO THOSE GENTLEMEN DRESS THEMSELVES LIKE THE FUNNY LITTLE MEN IN MY NOAH'S ARK?" PUNCH'S ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. who thirsteth for office, and say (with the other SIDNEY) "thy necessity is greater than mine." With these melancholy anticipations, by way of prologue, Mr. Punch proceeds to narrate that on EALLY it is with no Tuesday the 23rd the Houses met. Divers threats were held out as to the wonderful things which Members intended to do, but the solemnest warning came from the stern ROEBUCK, who announced in the Commons that on the next night but one he would arraign the Government for their mismanagement of the army in the Crimea. That worthy man will have cause for much uneasiness between this and Easter, and though it is sought to "let him down gently" by means of a riband, it is apprehended that he will finally descend with a severe plump. Coals will be carried to NEWCASTLE, but they will be the coals of fire which unkind persons desire to heap on their enemies' heads. The CLARENDON Press will not be able successfully to defend its patron, and whoever "blesseth the good DUKE OF ARGYLL," it will not be JOHN BULL, when he comes to the scratch. GRANVILLE, were he both GRANVILLE SHARP and GRANVILLE PENN, would not find his pen sharp enough to protect him, and that eminent lawyer, irreverently called CRANNY, will be glad to retire into himself, or any other cranny he can find. Neither in the Nether House will there be more consolation. The Leader of the coach has bolted, and may be called the off-leader, but he is not out of the reach of the "whip," and HAYTER is no longer a lover of his policy, PALMY must not expect palmy days, unless an early Date marks his separation from helpless colleagues, and even those who are prepared to vote that black is white, hesitate when their vote is asked for GREY. Punch classically marked the day with a white stone when GLADSTONE came into office, and will always be ready to back that Bill, but fears that its days of grace are numbered. WOOD will be cut up, despite his good-natured smiles, and GRAHAM will have few more Read-Letter-days. SIDNEY will not go to the Scaffold, nor even to Sydney Cove, but he will have to go to another cove SIR BENJAMIN HALL introduced into the Commons two bills for amending the public health, and removing public nuisances. As they have the Hall-mark, it is to be hoped they will be found of sterling value. Wednesday. Nothing particular, except the reading of a letter of thanks, from LORD RAGLAN, for the complimentary vote of the House of Commons. His lordship's note was not specially grammatical, (though the SOMERSETS are not in the habit of neglecting their relatives) but what is written under canvas should not be over-canvassed. Thursday.-Terror and dismay. The Globe THE DIRTY DOORSTEP. P-Im-rst-n (an active lad). "WELL! THIS IS THE GREATEST MESS I EVER SAW AT ANYBODY'S DOOR." Little Jack R-ss-ll. "AH! I LIVED THERE ONCE-BUT I WAS OBLIGED TO LEAVE-IT WAS SUCH A VERY IRREGULAR FAMILY." FEBRUARY 3, 1855.] [PUNCH, No. 708. |