British Matron (to her daughters). "OF COURSE, MY DEARS, IT IS NOT BEHAVIOUR I WOULD FOR ONE MOMENT COUNTENANCE IN LONDON, BUT IN ROME, AS THE SAYING IS, ONE SHOULD DO AS THE ROMANS DO, AND SO I DO NOT KNOW THAT THERE WOULD BE

ANY PARTICULAR HARM IF YOU EACH THREW JUST ONE AT YOUR FATHER.

MOUNTAIN HARE.

THE UNITED POWERS. "COME OUTSIDE, YOUNG 'UN, WE'VE PREPARED A NICE LITTLE DEMONSTRATION FOR YOU."

MONTENEGRO. "OH, GO AWAY, YOU SILLY SAILOR-MEN; CAN'T YOU SEE I'M BUSY?"

one

re

comically embarrassing. Appropriated fresh effort in same direction. It cerESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. considerable portion of Question Paper tainly had the charm of the unexpected. (EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.) with a Shorter Catechism of diversified This the third session of the Member House of Commons, Monday, March interest. Had as usual, necessarily in for Altrincham; as far as 31.-Looking round more than half- ignorance of nature of Ministerial reply, members, his maiden speech was made empty benches at Question-time it drafted in manuscript sheaf of Supple- to-day when he suddenly fell upon seems impossible that the Session, but mentary Questions arising out of that CHANCELLOR OF THE EXCHEQUER and a few weeks old, can hold out to answer." These he prefaced by ad- tried to rend him. His acquirements Whitsuntide. As a rule, whatever may dressing "Mr. Speaker." Correcting as a linguist are among the proudest befall as an average sitting drones along, himself with grave deliberation he sub-appanages of the Liverpool provision there is full attendance at Question- stituted the formula, "Mr. Deputy- market. Since he came to Westminster time. Treasury Bench is thronged by Speaker." This, regularly repeated he has been silent in five languages. Ministers eager to give as little information as possible in adequate number of words. LEADER OF OPPOSITION and his colleagues are temporarily united in. search for opening to trip up Government. Through the Question-hour (which, by the way, lasts only forty-five minutes), no one knows what may turn up. Consequently all are in their places ready to be interested or amused.

Peculiarity of to-day's situation is singular absence on part of Leaders. The hungry sheep look up and are not fed. To begin with, SPEAKER is represented by Deputy. Two Members on Front Opposition Bench represent flower of the ex

slaves.

This afternoon burst forth in one, and straightway made a Parliamentary reputation.

Began with inquiry set forth on paper desiring to know from the CHANCELLOR OF THE EXCHEQUER "whether there are any emoluments or allowances attached to his office other than his salary."

On face of it question suggested to penetrating mind of DENISON FABER that suspicion of there being "something behind" which stirred its self-confessed vacuity when he came across the ATTORNEY-GENERAL'S cable message to his brother in New York, "I hope that by the time you come back the Coal Strike may be

known. He contented himself with short rejoinder in the negative.

Ministry. The PREMIER, to whom through a course of interrogation, finished." Whether the mind of CHANcustomary bunch of Questions are ad- occupied some time. But time is CELLOR OF THE EXCHEQUER was disdressed, is out of hearing. CHANCELLOR matter for slaves and, true Britons turbed by similar suspicion is not OF THE EXCHEQUER is engaged in all, House of Commons never will be apostolic work recorded by St. Paul, Ephesus being represented by the Marconi Committee - room upstairs. The POSTMASTER-GENERAL is in the same arena. Even MASTERMAN, whose Tuesday. The measure of success after long period of quiesence, broken capacity for answering Questions de- attendant on eruption of KEBTY- forth in flames and streams of boiling signed with baffling intent is super- FLETCHER was not such as to encourage lava, the immediate neighbourhood human, extends his week-end.

HICKS-JOYNSON-or is it JOYNSONHICKS? In the early days of Ministerial colleagueship the late MARKIS used to complain that he never knew whether Old Morality was H. W. SMITH or W. H. However precedence runs, the Member for Brentford was all over the shop. The SPEAKER, who cannot be accused of niggardliness in the matter, has drawn the line at six Questions as a maximum allowance for a single Member. HICKS-JOYNSON, subtlely grouping four under two headings, managed to evade the regulations and put eight. His activity did little to relieve depression that settled down upon House. As one swallow does not make a summer, so a hyphen linking two surnames does not involve double capacity for commanding attention.

Effect of situation upon Mr. GINNELL

Business done.-Report Stage of the Navy Estimates agreed to without division.

"Self-confessed vacuity."
(Mr. DENISON FABER.)

It was here that KEBTY-FLETCHER, to the amazement of House, erupted. Had Vesuvius on a summer evening,

could not have been more astonished.

"Arising out of that reply," he said, "is not the right honourable gentleman's salary sufficient to prevent him wrongfully and improperly gambling?"

Evidently more to follow, but whether KEBTY meant to finish the sentence in German, Latin, or a dialect of the Slav tongue, no one knows. Loud shout of "Order! Order!" boomed from Ministerial benches. SPEAKER interposed with obvious remark that the further question did not, as alleged, "arise out" of Minister's reply and was therefore not in order. LLOYD GEORGE leapt to his feet and, regarding his assailant with flashing eyes, invited him to "come outside." Of course didn't put invitation in this precise form. That its plain meaning.

KEBTY rose respondent to the chal

lenge. SPEAKER on his feet again Business done.-Alarums and excur-
insisting that if Member for Altrincham sions. Incidentally motion that House
had further questions to ask he should should go into Committee on Civil
put them on the Paper. Evidently Service Estimates agreed to. At end
didn't think a man with such com- of eight hours SPEAKER left the Chair.
mand of language was to be trusted Two minutes later everybody left the
to speak on spur of moment. KEBTY House. Sitting adjourned.
bobbed up and down like parched pea
in frying-pan. Whenever he rose a
howl of execration came from benches
opposite. "Snob! Snob!" they shouted.
"Cad! Cad!" Whereto well-wishers
on Opposition benches, with fuller
command of syllables, responded,
"Marconi!" "Whitewashing!"

Worse than the uproar was attitude of the SPEAKER. KEBTY'S pale lips moved as if he were translating a select passage from a foreign classic. That all right, since not a syllable could be heard. But whenever, after contact with the frying-pan, the parched pea

HICKS-JOYNSON.

popped up, the SPEAKER was also on his legs and KEBTY dropped down. Strangers in the Gallery, brought up to respect what they were taught to regard as "the first body of gentlemen

THE VERNAL EQUINOX.
WHEN I have got a song to sing,

No power on earth can stop it;
And this, you must admit, is Spring
When bluebells do (or ought to) ring
And Edwin whispers "Ting-a-ling!"
And Angelina, "Drop it!"
When songsters ought to have their
fling,

And lovers ought to pop it.
For are not questions things to pop
And is a song a thing to stop?
Ten years ago I loved a piece

Whose Christian name was Mary;
She was a stout attorney's niece
And swore our love should never cease;
But oh! when uncles are obese

Then are they most contrairy.
When this one whistled for the p'lice
Myself, becoming wary,
Remarked, upon a second thought,
To cease, perhaps, was what it ought.
The constable was big and blue,

Another man bespoke her,
Whom she, upon her wedding day,
Was pledged to honour and obey
And even love him in a way,

Although he was a Broker. But as for him, I've heard him say in Europe," looked round uneasily. He's half a mind to choke her. Began to think that by some strange" But what has this," you ask again, mistake they had strayed into what "To do with Spring?" I will explain. ALBERT MARKHAM last week described Though Spring's the time when love

as "a pothouse crowd."

SARK, who is reaching the status of one of the oldest Members and reveres the

memories of forty years of close intimacy, refrains from habit, sometimes perhaps obtrusive, of interposing frivolous remarks on the episode. Jealous for the dignity and high traditions of the House he discerns in it fresh testimony to the deplorable decadence that has marked its proceedings during recent months. Eruption subsided as suddenly as it had broken forth. Business went on as if nothing out of the way had happened.

is ripe

And ready for the gleaning,
And, giving it a thoughtful wipe,
When Corydon assumes his pipe
Croons lays of an erotic type

But little inner meaning-
'Tis then that husbands feel the gripe
And misery of cleaning.
That one is best without in Spring.
A wife, they tell me, is a thing

Notice outside Oxford :

"Bear left at centre of town for Banbury." Sir FREDERICK should claim it at once.

ROMEO TO RAG-TIME. SHAKSPEARE ON THE CINEMA. Romeo and Juliet' in eight pieces, half-a-mile long. Comedy, tragedy, love, pathos, crime."-Hoarding.

[A weekly paper asks our serious dramatists to turn their attention to the cinema stage. Why not Romeo and Juliet on the filmsas, of course, a cowboy drama?]

Scene 1.-Cowboy "scrap" in Dead Man's Gully, Ohio, U.S. Gilead J. Capulet's boys engage Samuel P. Montague's gang. Bowie-knives, shootingbroncho-busters, sheepskin

ircus,

trousers, etc. Music (mechanical piano), "Ragging the Ragtime," with chorus of nigger minstrels. Enter Old Man Capulet and Old Man Montague and get busy with their guns. They break

up.

Scene 2.-Moonlight dance on Gilead J. Capulet's ranch. Cowboys and cowgirls Boston. Music, "Hitchy, Koo." Enter Romeo S. Montague with Benvolio (comic entry, disguised). Old Man Capulet, not recognising them, gives them the glad eye. Romeo sees Juliet (Sadie) Capulet and they fall in love. Conversation cards shown on film

What's wrong with her?
She's a beaut!-eh?

Say! He's top-notch !

Nephew Tybalt Capulet recognises
Rome Montague and gets shirty. Con-

versation cards shown-

Gee Whiz! A darned Montague!

Another of them Capulet critters!
Well, I'm jiggered!
They pull out their guns, but Old Man
Capulet calls it off.

Scene 3.-Under Julie's windowmoonlight. Rome draws hand across forehead, stamps, and hits himself on brisket to show he is in love with Jule. She (on verandah) leans chin on one hand and saws the air with the other to show she accepts him. Nigger coonsong heard off" Linger longer, Lucy." Cards

Is it a deal, my Jule?

Waal, you 're It! What's wrong with getting hitched right away?

Whoopee, it's a cinch!

Scene 4.-Parson Lawrence's shanty. Wedding service on. Rome and Jule stand on and off while Parson Lawrence yanks a book and shoves his